Popular jokes (21376 to 21390)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Dating Hints For Men
Dating hints for gentlemen
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
Very Hostile Farmer
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
Little Johnny was lost at a la...
Little Johnny was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"The cop asked, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits"
Golfing on Sunday
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who's he going to tell?”
So I was driving around the we
So I was driving around the west of Ireland when my car broke down.Right up the road was a little farm, and farmer Séamus was kind enough to make me some tea and let me stay at the farm while I waited for a mechanic. We were walking around the farmstead for a bit when I spotted this tiny little pig cheerfully limping about on three legs.
"Hey! That pig has got only three legs!" I blurted out, surprised.
And Séamus said, "Ooh, that's Róisín right there. And what a special pig she is."
He continued, "Once I was out in the field on my combine harvester, and somehow my coat got caught on the door and I fell out and landed in front of the machine! Oh, if Róisín hadn't been there that day to drag me away I would have surely been mauled to death by my own machine. Ah, and what a special pig she is."
"So that's how it lost its leg?" I asked, naturally.
"Ooh, no," Seamus said. "Just last month Siobhán, my four-year old daughter, was out playing by the well. And she fell into the well! Oh, if Róisín hadn't been there that day to pull her out I don't know how I could live with myself. Ah, and what a special pig she is."
"Aha," I said. "So that's how the pig lost a leg."
"Ooh, no," Seamus said. "Only last Sunday, my son Callum was out playing on the frozen lake. But the ice cracked and he fell in the ice-cold water! Oh, if Róisín hadn't been there that day to rescue him I don't know what I would have done. Ah, and what a special pig she is."
"So... I guess that must be how it lost its leg?"
"Ooh, no," Seamus said. "But you wouldn't eat a pig that special all in one go, now would ya."
Really funny jokes-You know you are living in 2011
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go home and get it !!
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your tea or coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message to.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list !!
A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alas
A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil. The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas".The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what...you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it...I'll buy it".
Chuck Norris doesn't shower; h...
Chuck Norris doesn't shower; he only takes blood baths.Change machine
I came up with a great way to never lose money when I go to Las Vegas...I keep playing the change machine!
An act of kindness....
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
