Popular jokes (21451 to 21465)

 Knock Knock Collection 068

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frances!
Frances who?
Frances hello!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Francie!
Francie who?
Francie that!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Francis!
Francis who?
Francis on the other side of the Channel!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frank!
Frank who?
Franks and beans!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Franz!
Franz who?
Franz, Romans, Countryman...!

“When the farmer died

“When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder. They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.”

Knock Knock Collection 025

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Beryl!
Beryl who?
Beryl of beer!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bette-lou!
Bette-lou who?
Betty-lou a few pounds!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Betty!
Betty who?
Betty ya don't know who this is!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Betty!
Betty who?
Betty-bye!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bibi!
Bibi who?
Bibi gun!

Church Bulletin Bloopers

If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

#joke #animal #sheep #wedding

Eating Pickles

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?

A: Because they can't

get their head in the jar.

You Must Admire His Honesty

His girlfriend’s father was interviewing Young Charles.
“So,” said the father, “you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"
“No, not particularly,” said Charles tactlessly, “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?”

Chuck Norris once punched a ma...

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Rules Of The South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.

6. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

8. People walk slower here.

9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

12. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

17. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

21. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

23. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Lost In Translation

Contributed by John Roderick

In Texas , there is a town called New Braunfels , where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window, and shouted, "Sehr angenehm! Trink das wasser nicht. Die Kuehe haben hinein geschissen." Which means: ("Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have pooped in it.")

The man shouted back, "I'm from New York , and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please
speak in English."

The rancher replied, "Use both hands. You'll get more."

At a party of professionals, a...

At a party of professionals, a Doctor was having difficulty socializing. Everyone wanted to describe their symptoms, and get an opinion about diagnosis. The Doctor turned to a Lawyer acquaintance, and asked, "How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?"
"Simple," answered the Lawyer, "I send them a bill. That stops it."
The next day, the Doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just finished doing, opened his mailbox to send the bills; there sat a bill from the Lawyer.

“If I want to gamble

“If I want to gamble online, do I use betcoins?”

The Christmas gift...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

An Albertan's favourite ...

An Albertan's favourite movie? Tarsand.

One student fell into a cycle

One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
He didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

Jim was annoyed when his blond...

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number.

"What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.

"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."

At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"