Popular jokes (21646 to 21660)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A woman goes to the local psyc
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, You're Italian, when did you learn to speak English?"
#joke
Two Indians were riding across...
Two Indians were riding across the plains on their ponies. They pulled to a stop to check if they were being followed. The first one climbs down off of his pony and puts his ear to the ground.The second one asks the first one what he hears.
The first one says "buffalo come."
The second one says "I see nothing moving for miles, how do you know this?"
The first one replies, putting his hand to his cheek: "face all sticky"
#joke #animal #buffalo
The fussy customer
Peter, the baker was about to call it a day when a man rushes into his bakery.
"I want to have a cake made right now!" the man exclaims.
"Well, I'm sorry," replies Peter. "But I was just closing shop. My staff has left, all my machines have been turned off. I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow."
The man insisted, "I cannot wait till tomorrow. It's absolutely essential that this cake be made right now!"
Now, Peter hated to turn a customer back, so he says, "Let me see what I can do." He goes inside and turns all his machinery back on. He then comes back to the counter and ties on his apron. "Okay, what do you want?"
The man takes out a sketch from his pocket and shows it to Peter. There is a nicely drawn image of a cake." It has to look just like this," says the man. "Exactly one foot wide, eight inches long, and six inches tall. White frosting, light blue icing, and a green cursive "R" in the middle. Just like this."
Somewhat taken aback, Peter ponders the sketch for a few moments and replies. "I think I can do that. I will have it ready in about an hour."
"An hour!" exclaims the man. "That's will be a problem. I need this in 30 minutes."
"30 minutes?" responds Peter. "I'm not sure I can do that. I suppose I might be able to get it done that fast if I used some pre-made dough. The taste will not be as good though..."
The man replies while checking his watch frantically "I don't care. Just get it done."
So Peter goes back and makes the cake. He works harder and faster than he ever done before, and manages to produce the cake in just about half an hour. He presents it to the man fresh out of the oven. "Will this be adequate?" he asks.
The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket. He checks the length, width, and height very carefully. He then compares it to the sketch. Suddenly, a look of horror comes across his face. "Oh no!" he exclaims. "The 'R' is the wrong shade of green! It has to be the same shade as the sketch. Oh, what will I do now?"
"Relax," says Peter. "If the shade really is a problem I think I can re-ice it. It may take a few more minutes."
"You think you can?" asks the man anxiously. "Well then, please do it fast!"
So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new "R". A few moments later, he brings it back to man. "There you are. Is this what you wanted?" he asks.
Once again the man examines the cake, checking every detail. He compares the shades of green, and this time decides they're all right. "Okay" says the man quickly, "this is good. Can I pay you now."
"Of course," says Peter, quickly readying the cash register. "The boxes we have available are all over here. You can take your pick."
"Oh no, that won't be required," answers the man. "I'll eat it here."
"I want to have a cake made right now!" the man exclaims.
"Well, I'm sorry," replies Peter. "But I was just closing shop. My staff has left, all my machines have been turned off. I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow."
The man insisted, "I cannot wait till tomorrow. It's absolutely essential that this cake be made right now!"
Now, Peter hated to turn a customer back, so he says, "Let me see what I can do." He goes inside and turns all his machinery back on. He then comes back to the counter and ties on his apron. "Okay, what do you want?"
The man takes out a sketch from his pocket and shows it to Peter. There is a nicely drawn image of a cake." It has to look just like this," says the man. "Exactly one foot wide, eight inches long, and six inches tall. White frosting, light blue icing, and a green cursive "R" in the middle. Just like this."
Somewhat taken aback, Peter ponders the sketch for a few moments and replies. "I think I can do that. I will have it ready in about an hour."
"An hour!" exclaims the man. "That's will be a problem. I need this in 30 minutes."
"30 minutes?" responds Peter. "I'm not sure I can do that. I suppose I might be able to get it done that fast if I used some pre-made dough. The taste will not be as good though..."
The man replies while checking his watch frantically "I don't care. Just get it done."
So Peter goes back and makes the cake. He works harder and faster than he ever done before, and manages to produce the cake in just about half an hour. He presents it to the man fresh out of the oven. "Will this be adequate?" he asks.
The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket. He checks the length, width, and height very carefully. He then compares it to the sketch. Suddenly, a look of horror comes across his face. "Oh no!" he exclaims. "The 'R' is the wrong shade of green! It has to be the same shade as the sketch. Oh, what will I do now?"
"Relax," says Peter. "If the shade really is a problem I think I can re-ice it. It may take a few more minutes."
"You think you can?" asks the man anxiously. "Well then, please do it fast!"
So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new "R". A few moments later, he brings it back to man. "There you are. Is this what you wanted?" he asks.
Once again the man examines the cake, checking every detail. He compares the shades of green, and this time decides they're all right. "Okay" says the man quickly, "this is good. Can I pay you now."
"Of course," says Peter, quickly readying the cash register. "The boxes we have available are all over here. You can take your pick."
"Oh no, that won't be required," answers the man. "I'll eat it here."
#joke #food #cake
“If you are too busy
“If you are too busy to fix a flat tire, you need to find some spare time.”
#joke #short
The most credulous people are
The most credulous people are from La Paz, aka the Believians.#joke #short
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched.
He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!!"
#joke
Wayne was returning home from
Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."Startled, Wayne took a step backward. "Ah... no thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself."
"No!" the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. "Get In!"
Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.
Just then, the driver's face softened...
"Please," he said, "I've been driving up and down for two hours. I can't find a space to park and I want yours."
#joke
The Teacher had asked the clas...
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in the well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
#joke
Men's jockstraps can be ...
Men's jockstraps can be purchased at a nardwear store.#joke #short
Graveyard Salon
Q: What was the name of the hair salon next to the graveyard?
A: "Curl Up and Dye."
#joke #short
One day a blonde woman named S...
One day a blonde woman named Sally finally got tired of everyone assuming she was stupid because of her hair color. She decided to go to the hairdressers and have her hair dyed brown.Feeling quite proud of her new look she decided to go for a drive in the country. After a while she came upon a shepherd. Trying to test out her new look she walked over to him and asked, "If I can guess how many sheep you have may I take one for a reward?"
The shepherd thought that she would never guess the exact number of sheep, so he took her bet and let her try. Amazingly she guessed 98, the exact number of sheep he owned.
Feeling rather good about herself, she picked up her reward and started walking back to her car. Before she got there the shepherd tapped her on the shoulder.
"If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"
What do you call a crate of du...
What do you call a crate of ducks ?A box of quackers !
#joke #short
