Popular jokes (21991 to 22005)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A priest and a rabbi operated ...
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.
The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.
A man hasn't been feeling wel
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."D.L. Hughley: When Does Life Begin?
The whole argument is -- when does life begin? Does it begin at conception, or does it begin when the baby is an embryo? Anybody with children knows life with them dont begin til they can pay their own damn bills.“Never ask a podiatri
“Never ask a podiatrist for conversions to metric - he only knows feet.”
Top Ten Things Not To Say On Your Anniversary
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
The confession...
Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."
The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."
If I could rearrange the alpha...
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together!One Good Deed
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be
admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to
see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his
brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you
ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did
anything really good either. If you can point to even one
REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this
one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant
group of Biker Gang
Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to
see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about
50 of 'em ripping the
clothes off this terrified young woman.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of
my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy
with a studded leather
jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I
walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a
circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his
face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed
him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave
this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you
all a lesson in pain!'
St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'
'Oh, about two minutes ago.'
I want my baby back ribs
God was talking to Adam one day when Adam begins to lament. God Im lonely, I need a companion? God replies, Adam, I have the perfect person for you, shes beautiful, shes generous, and shell be yours forever Adam, excited about the news begins to thank God over and over.sound great, but then stops and asks God, Wait a minute, how much is she going to cost me? An arm and a leg, God replied jokingly. Thats pretty steep said Adam, What can I get for a rib?Perfect Tee Shot
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, Whats taking so long? Hit the damn ball!The guy answers, My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.
Forget it, man, says his partner. Youll never hit her from here.
Chuck Norris' lucky number is ...
Chuck Norris' lucky number is one, because that's how many tries it takes him to accomplish any task.“I don't trust these ...
“I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.”
A couple had been married 50 y
A couple had been married 50 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows. They were discussing the details of their second wedding with their friends. She wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with her dress.
She replied, "Silver."
At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep, silver... to match her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at his bald spot, her friend shot back, "So I guess you're going barefoot."
Three guys died and when they ...
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"
St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"
The guy replied, "24 years."
St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."
The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."
The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong, he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"
