Popular jokes (22681 to 22695)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
In the fields, oxen just do th
In the fields, oxen just do their job. They care not for a plow's.Scary Collection 44
A vampire joke
What happened at the vampires race?
It finished neck and neck!
A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite drink?
A bloody mary!
A ghost joke
Why did the car stop when it saw a ghost?
It had a nervous breakdown!
A vampire joke
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
"Auld Fang Syne"!
A ghost joke
How do ghosts learn songs?
They read the sheet music!
A vampire joke
Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
He had fang decay!
A witch joke
What's the best way of seeing a witch?
On the television!
Answering Machine Message 234
Thank you for calling, no doubt,
As you can guess, we're out.
When we get home,
We'll call on the phone.
Until then, just hang about.
Passport...
An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.
Until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please. "The old gal raised her right hand.
"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.
The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"
Matt was on vacation in Atlant
Matt was on vacation in Atlantic City, playing the slot machines. It was his first time in a casino, and wasn't sure how the machines operated."Excuse me," he said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"
The worker showed him how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.
"And where does the money come out?" asked Matt.
"Usually at the ATM."
Tips from the holy man
A group of boys were going to confession one sunday. Thefirst boy, John, says:
Father, I've done something terrible.
What have you done, John?
I fucked a girl.
Who was it?
I can't tell you, father, she would never permit it.
Well, John, was it Mary M?
No, father, I can't tell you.
Was it Heather S, John?
No father I can't tell you.
Well, John, was it Meghan C?
I can't tell you father.
Alright, John, your penence is 5 Our Fathers.
Thank you father.
Upon this he leaves the confessional, and the second boy
asks him:
What did you get, John?
5 Our Fathers and 3 Good Leads!
Death once had a near-Chuck-No...
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.Through the pitch-black night,...
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: �Change your course 10 degrees east.�The light signals back: �Change yours, 10 degrees west.�
Angry, the captain sends: �I�m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!�
�I�m a seaman, second class,� comes the reply. �Change your course, sir.�
Now the captain is furious. �I�m a battleship! I�m not changing course!�
There is one last reply. �I�m a lighthouse. Your call.�
A nursery school driver was de...
A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dogs duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said Tommy.
"No," said Billy, "hes just for good luck."
Peter brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants ."
Actual newspaper headlines....
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down JaywalkersSafety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
What Was Its Name?
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
The Burned Ears
A guy burned both of his ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''
''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.
''They called back.''
