Popular jokes (22696 to 22710)

At a bar, Tom said to Bill; �U...

At a bar, Tom said to Bill; �Uncle tried to make a new kind of car. He took wheels from a Cadillac, radiator from a Lexus, and tires from a Ford.�

�What did he get? asked Bill.

�Two years,� Said Tom.

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Jesus and Moses playing golf

Jesus and Moses were teeing off on a 149 yd par 3, with water hazard.

Jesus pulled out his wedge and hit his first ball into the water;

"I don't understand", he said, "I saw Arnold Palmer hit a wedge to the green on this same hole yesterday!"

Again he dropped a ball on the ground and repeated the shot with the same results....

Moses said,"Get a longer iron or you'll never make it across"

Jesus dropped another ball to the ground and repeated the swing dropping the third ball in the water short of the green.

"That was my last ball!" Jesus remarked as he walked across the water fishing for his lost balls.

A foursome approached the green and one man replied, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses replied, "He thinks he Arnold Palmer"

 Knock Knock Collection 079

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hacienda!
Hacienda who?
Hacienda the story!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hagar!
Hagar who?
Hagar, you with the stars in your eyes....!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Haifa!
Haifa who?
Haifa cake is better than none!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hair!
Hair who?
Hair today, gone tomorrow!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Haiti!
Haiti who?
Haiti see a good thing go to waste!

There was a guy in a bar one n...

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said...

"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

Gallagher opened the morning n

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

A beautiful, sexy, good lookin...

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy on a plane......

The lady said to him, "Can you help me remove something from my breast please?"

The excited young man replied, "Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?"

"Your eyes, idiot!"

I learned to canoe i-n

I learned to canoe i-nu-tero.

Two little kids are in a hospi...

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...Couldn't walk for a year."

Answering Machine Message 46

Theme music from James Bond: Hello. My name is David, code number 324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on an international mission involving the theft of gold plated Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my mission, I'll call you back. Ciao babies!

All you need is a sick mind an

All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.
Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!
Are you stoned or just stupid?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha!
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Zen For Those Who Take L...

Zen For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously No 1

1. Save the whales. - Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. Othe other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. it wasn't familiar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. they're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines

18. Get a new car for your spouse. it'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Continued tomorrow...

The four stages of life....

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus

3. You are Santa Claus

4. You look like Santa Claus

The Prince & The Princess

Contributed by Bob Wingfield

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS. But there was a problem, everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily
ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??

October 13, 2011

What Do You Like Best About Me

Contributed by The Florida Dude

I asked the Dudette the other day what she liked best about me....

"Is it my firm, trim, athletic, body? Or, rather, is it my astounding intellect?"

She replied....

"Your sense of humor, dear."

#joke