Popular jokes (23131 to 23145)

What To Do Or Say If You Wa

What To Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex
1. "Ooooooo" (the obvious)
2. "That would work better the other way around..."
3. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?"
4. "Damn, that's complicated."
5. "Wait, wait, use my pillow."
6. "Alright already, I came."
7. "You guys need a value pak."
8. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say "Good show, old bean."
9. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"
10. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."
11. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."
12. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions.
13. "You know, they say that three's a charm."
14. Suggest your favorite position.
15. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest,assume the position."
16. "Bring in the Gimp."
17. "Hold that pose."
18. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing with joy.
19. Start signing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."
20. Sing "Shake your bootie."
21. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??"
22. Charge admission at the door.
23. Make and hold up score cards.
24. All of them should read 6. 9.
25. "I think you dropped something."

Dogs' Views on Changing Light ...

Dogs' Views on Changing Light Bulbs
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on the dog's point of view....
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid bulb!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.
BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and..........
POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?

The local sheriff was looking ...

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

“Scientists have fail

“Scientists have failed to get pandas to eat synthetic food, because they are hard to bamboozle.”

A man and a woman are having s

A man and a woman are having some drinks and they get into a discussion about who enjoys sex more. The man says, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That does not prove anything," says the woman. "Think about this; when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?"

What's a morse code expe...

What's a morse code expert's favourite tech website? Dashdot.

“I like wool gatherin...

“I like wool gathering for the shear joy of it.”

A man walks into a doctor’s of...

A man walks into a doctor’s office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose. Confused, the man asks: "Doctor what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at the man and replies: "You're not eating properly!"

The Penguin

A penguin was driving his car down the highway when steam began to pour out of the hood. He pulled into a repair shop and asked the mechanic to fix his car. The man said to come back in half an hour. So while he waited the penguin went across the street to the bar, and ordered a glass of milk. Since penguins dont have hands to hold glasses, he spilled some milk on his beak. When he returned to the mechanic, he asked what was wrong with his car. The mechanic said it looked like he blew a seal.

A traveling salesman was held

A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: “Delayed by storm. Send instructions.”
His boss e-mails back: “Start vacation immediately!”

A guy walks into a bar and ord...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.
Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."
The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."

The new addition to...

“The new addition to the team is a real plus.”

Did Snoop Dogg admire Mussolin...

Did Snoop Dogg admire Mussolini? Fascizzum.

Strudel

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: “I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!”

“No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now.”

“I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?”, the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

“Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?” the old man plaintively queries.

“I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral.”

“I've just read a boo...

“I've just read a book about a bean growing up in Southern USA. It's called The Adventures of Tom Soya.”