Popular jokes (23161 to 23175)

I feel the Death Star blows up

I feel the Death Star blows up planets for Alderaan reasons.

Converting to Hinduism has ...

Converting to Hinduism has dharmatic consequences.

Yo momma is so fat she went to

Yo momma is so fat she went to church with heels on and when she came back home they were flats.

Very Bad Private Eye

The Top Signs That You've Hired A Bad Private Eye

1. Considers reading "The Hardy Boys Mysteries" actually helpful reasearch.
   
2. He has a pet basset hound named "Flash" that acts as his trusty assistant.
   
3. His best disguise is wearing a hat.
   
4. Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time.
   
5. Won't read any messages without his trusty decoder ring.
   
6. Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from "Murder She Wrote" when he thinks he's caught the suspect.
   
7. Well, he's blind.
   

Q & A

A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car...

Who is driving the car?

A police officer!

What does a spy do i...

“What does a spy do in the rain? He goes undercover.”

A man is walking past this hou

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

Wedding night

A guy on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife "geez, I never realized you had such big breasts."

The wife gets all upset and throws him out.

While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. "What happened?" asks the first man.

"Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was "Geez, I didn't realize you had such a big Butt..." then she threw me out.

Just then a third guy comes storming out into the hall.

"Hey" says the second guy "Did you put your foot in it as well?"

"No" says the third guy, "But I bloody well could have."

“The wine cask maker

“The wine cask maker had nothing to do. He was bordeaux.”

Shortage Of Parachutes

A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"

Adam was hanging around the Ga

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be awoman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, andwhen you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had adisagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passionwhenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Greg Fitzsimmons: Medical Research

These are the big breakthroughs in science and technology in the last 10 years: we have Rogaine, Prozac, now we have Viagra. You get a sense for whos bankrolling medical research in this country. Its just depressed, balding, white guys who cant get erections anymore. God forbid they cure something important, like muscular dystrophy. Its like, Sorry, little Johnny, you cant get up, but look -- I can.

Q: What's red and smells like ...

Q: What's red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red paint.

Two Lost Husbands

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide. The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. 'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

 I Get No Respect 06

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."
"My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD."
"I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once... Doctor...every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."
"My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."
"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... Alright...you're ugly too!"
"I was so ugly...my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"