Popular jokes (23161 to 23175)

Annoying Phone

Irritated Boss: "Can't you hear that the phone is ringing? You must answer the telephone!"
New Secretary: "All right, but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you."

Tom's wife wasn't ve...

Tom's wife wasn't very attractive, but then he was no oil painting, either. After the wedding ceremony, Tom asked the pastor how much the cost was.

"Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife," replied the Reverend.

Tom looked at his wife, and handed the pastor $50.

The pastor looked at Tom's wife and gave him $45 change.

Funny jokes-First accountant

A doctor got a phone call from...

A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. “We need a fourth for poker,” the voice on the phone said. “I’ll be right over,” replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” he said gravely. “They’ve had to call in three other doctors as well.”

A woman was on the witness sta

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.
"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."
"And when was that?"
"When he asked for his second cup."

This guy's walking down t...

This guy's walking down the road minding his own business when he hears a little voice say:

"excuse me"

He looks around and can't see anything until his eyes rest on a small frog.

"hello" says the frog, "pick me up."

So the guy picks up the frog.

"take me home" says the frog.

So the guy takes the frog home.

When they get in, the frog tells the guy to sit down. After the guy takes a seat, the frog explains that it is not really a frog at all but a beautiful princess. All the guy has to do is give the frog a kiss and it'll turn back.

"I'll think about it" says the guy.

"What's there to think about? Wouldn't you like a beautiful princess?" asks the frog.

The guy replies, "Oh yeah, a beautiful princess would be nice - but a talking frog, that's pretty damn cool as well!"

 An Engineer And A Programmer

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

I tried to make a living rowin

I tried to make a living rowing cows across a river. It was just income paddle bull with my lifestyle.

A No-frills Airline

You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
   
2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
   
3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
   
4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
   
5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
   
6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
   
7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
   
8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
   
9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
   
10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
    
11. No movie. Don't need one.
    
12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
    
13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
    
14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
    

A businessman met a beautiful

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his
secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

Mike and Bill, are hanging out...

Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.

"Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand.

After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, "What was that all about?"

The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it.

Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints came onto my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop.

Ol' Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped.

So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."

Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves.

After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt.

Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look."

"Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."

Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you *really* ought to see this."

"Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?"

Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!"

Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops.

Mike takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my God... We're gonna be rich!"

A number of new Air-Force recr...

A number of new Air-Force recruits were being taken on their first training flight.

The plane had just leveled out after taking off when one of the engines seized up, and another began smoking badly.

Adjusting his parachute, the instructor strove for nonchalance as he made his way to the hatch door.

"Now I want you men to keep perfectly calm," he said, "while I go for help."

“The church insisted

“The church insisted on a new seminary graduate. They were looking for greener pastors.”

Little Johnny... Nickels and Dimes

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Dont you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickels bigger?
Johnny grins and says, Well, if I took the dime, theyd stop doing it, and so far Ive made $20!

Two cannibals caught a clown a...

Two cannibals caught a clown and decided to have him for dinner. After taking a bite, one cannibal turned to the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"