Popular jokes (2326 to 2340)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Jimmy Carr: Teasing
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. I said, 'Alright, fatty.'
Fool in love...
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
Life keep teaching me lessons
Why does life keep teaching me lessons i have no desire to learn. Brian Regan: New Baby Greeting Cards
They have a section called, New Baby. I dont think you need the word new. Theyd have to clear up confusion. Do you have an Old Baby section? Cause my friends had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and hes 12. Pain reliever
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient shouted.
The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected.
"I can't do the gas thing!” the man protested. “The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill.
"No," the patient said. "I am fine with pills."
The dentist said, "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient replied: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra works as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."
My wife and I went to the Coun...
My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,"That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.
Two girls....
Two girls were having coffee when one noticed that the other girl seemed troubled and asked her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll really miss me."
Little Johnny returns from sch...
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an "F" in arithmetic."Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6.'"
"But that's right!" The father replied.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What the heck's the stupid difference?" asked the father.
"That's what I said!"
One Monday morning a postman i...
One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I.'"
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Unexpected cold snaps had dest...
Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on a man's peach tree for two years in a row. This spring, he was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.One warm April day, the man was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and he stopped to give his dog a drink from the garden hose.
A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"
A Barbie Doll
One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.
After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll".
The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."
The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"
"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
