Popular jokes (2326 to 2340)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Cal was out driving in the cou...
Cal was out driving in the country, seeing how his new car handled the curvy roads at high speeds. As he rounded a corner, one of his tires blew. When he got out of the car to change the tire, he noticed that he had stopped in front of the state mental asylum. There was also a man sitting on the brick wall in front of the facility.
The driver went about his business, not paying any attention to the guy on the fence. He first took his tire iron and jack out of the car, and got the car jacked up. Then, he removed the hubcap. Next, he removed the six lug nuts, and placed them in the hubcap for safekeeping.
About this time, the guy on the fence decided to start a conversation. This startled the driver, and he reeled around quickly, knocking over the hubcap, and the lug nuts fell into the sewer drain.
The driver gets angry with the guy on the fence, shouting, "Now look what you made me do. Now I'm going to have to walk to town to buy some new lug nuts. Just go back inside and leave me be."
The guy on the fence says, "Why don't you just take one lug nut from each of your other three wheels, and use them on this one. That should hold it steady enough for you to drive the car to the auto parts store."
The driver asks, "That's a brilliant idea...then why are you here?"
The guy on the fence replies, "I'm just crazy, not stupid."
Safe Sex
Every time I go on vacation my wife gets pregnant...
This year I'm taking her with me!
Two Old Drunks
Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
A man was having premature eja
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."An older man walks into a bar...
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?""Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
Camping in the woods
I went camping in the woods, but my tent smelled like feet. It was a big musky toe problem. Too Much Time at the
Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer. Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the grocery? Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morning Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife : What about my new TV? Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters ...
Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are useless. Husband : It's by Default.
Wife : What about your Salary? Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.
Wife : What is my value in the family. Husband : Unknown Virus
Position to pray
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.
“No,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You're both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
“Gentlemen,” he interrupted, “the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole.”
Dan Cummins: Greeting Card Writer
I dont just write jokes. You know what Im best at? Greeting cards. Im a really good greeting card writer. And Im going to prove it with a little sample of my work Im going to share for you: As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. Ive been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Fathers Day
The toilet at my local police...
The toilet at my local police station has been stolen. The cops have nothing to go on. I'm not drunk
A recovering alcoholic is downtown to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside, promising himself he'll only have a couple of beers and then leave. Well, he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears, sobbing: "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone."
The guy sitting next to him turns and says: "It's not that bad. You can get out of this. Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on
you. Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt."
The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says: "That just might work. You're a saint!"
The drunk guy goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate.
She takes one look at him and screams: "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out."
The drunk says: "Stop, Honey. Let me explain. It's true I did have a couple of beers, but I'm not drunk."
She says: "Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt."
He replies: "It wasn't me! A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself."
She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says: "This is a $10 bill"
He looks at her and says: "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too."
Corporate Story
At a meeting, the Boss told a joke.
Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.
The Boss asked him, 'Didn’t you understand my joke?'
The guy replied, 'Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.'
We all have times when life feels hard
We all have times when life feels hard; when we’re frustrated and tired and just want to hide away. If that’s you right now, don’t worry – every caterpillar has to rest to become a butterfly and you’ll soon find your wings again. In the mean time, let your Angels wrap you in theirs. You are so loved.
