Popular jokes (23326 to 23340)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Shoulda taken the elevader?
Shoulda taken the elevader?
#joke #short
Explosion
A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."
Insomnia cures are so common;
Insomnia cures are so common; they're a dime a dozin'.Fairy tales...
When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked Chelsea, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""
"No, dearest," replied Hillary, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"
Ouch
I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
Little Johnny and the Pastor
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
The Top Ten Differences Betwee...
The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
Visit to the museum...
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
What Do I Look Like?
There was a young couple living in an old run down house. One day the man gets home from work and his wife says, “Honey, look at the walls. They haven't been painted as long as we have lived here. It's peeling and cracking; couldn't you please just paint them?”“Who do I look like? Michelangelo?” the man replies.
“I guess not”, says the wife.
The next day the man gets back from work again. Again his wife starts to complain. “Oh sugar, couldn't you just please at least repair the stairs? They're falling apart and they're really unsafe to walk up.”
The man says, “Who do I look like? Frank Lloyd Wright?”
“Well, maybe not,” says the wife.
The next week the man returns from his job. He walks into his house and is suddenly amazed. The stairs are fixed, the walls were painted and the house looked superb. “Honey…..How did you do this? It looks great!” he says. “Well I met up with a handyman down the street. He offered to repair our house if I either bake him a batch of brownies or sleep with him” says the wife.
“Well, honey, you baked the batch of brownies, right?”
The wife replies, “Who do I look like, Sara Lee?”
“There's no definiti
“There's no definitive way to tell if someone is completely colour-blind. There's a lot of grey area.”
Visiting the modern art museum...
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby."This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
Geography Lesson
So many items are no longer made in America...
I just bought a new tv and the box said “built in antenna”...
I don’t even know where that is!
