Popular jokes (23326 to 23340)

Yo momma is so fat she went to

Yo momma is so fat she went to church with heels on and when she came back home they were flats.

Very Bad Private Eye

The Top Signs That You've Hired A Bad Private Eye

1. Considers reading "The Hardy Boys Mysteries" actually helpful reasearch.
   
2. He has a pet basset hound named "Flash" that acts as his trusty assistant.
   
3. His best disguise is wearing a hat.
   
4. Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time.
   
5. Won't read any messages without his trusty decoder ring.
   
6. Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from "Murder She Wrote" when he thinks he's caught the suspect.
   
7. Well, he's blind.
   

Q & A

A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car...

Who is driving the car?

A police officer!

Tomato in Training

Q: What did the sergeant tomato say to the slacker tomato?

A: "You better ketchup!"

This guy's walking down t...

This guy's walking down the road minding his own business when he hears a little voice say:

"excuse me"

He looks around and can't see anything until his eyes rest on a small frog.

"hello" says the frog, "pick me up."

So the guy picks up the frog.

"take me home" says the frog.

So the guy takes the frog home.

When they get in, the frog tells the guy to sit down. After the guy takes a seat, the frog explains that it is not really a frog at all but a beautiful princess. All the guy has to do is give the frog a kiss and it'll turn back.

"I'll think about it" says the guy.

"What's there to think about? Wouldn't you like a beautiful princess?" asks the frog.

The guy replies, "Oh yeah, a beautiful princess would be nice - but a talking frog, that's pretty damn cool as well!"

A lady walks into her doctors office ...

A lady walks into her doctors office screaming.

She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"

The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"

The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"

“Soup operas were the...

“Soup operas were the big winners at the Cans Film Festival.”

The Trained Scientist

First Mouse: I finally got that scientist trained.
Second Mouse: How so?
First Mouse: Every time I go through the maze and ring the bell, he gives me something to eat.

A man on a business trip was s...

A man on a business trip was sitting in first class. During the flight, he was given gourmet brownies and cookies for dessert. Not hungry after his meal, he decided to save them for later, so he placed them in an airsickness courtesy bag.

After the plane landed, he got up to leave, and a stewardess approached him and asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?"

He said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

What Makes Men and Women Happy

What a man should do to keep his wife happy:

1. Make her dinner.

2. Take her out.

3. Send her chocolate and roses for no reason.

4. Tell her how much he loves her.

5. Help around the house.

6. Spend money for no reason except that he loves her.

What a Woman should do to keep him happy:

1. Show up naked.

2. Bring food.

Nurse: Good morning Mr. S...

Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.

Mr. Smith: That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.

 The Problem Is At Your End

One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

A man takes his dog to the vet...

A man takes his dog to the vet.

“My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him?

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he is cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy.”

When Jim walked into the offic

When Jim walked into the office, he knew something was up.
There was a message on his desk that the boss wanted to see him as soon as he arrived. The boss didn't look very happy when Jim reported to his office. The older man didn't say anything, he just pointed at the newspaper on his desk. It was opened to the sports page, and there was a picture of a smiling Jim, holding up the trophy for winning the local golf tournament the day before.
"I just checked. You called in sick yesterday!" the boss said. "What if everybody just claimed to be sick and took off whenever they wanted to? What do you have to say for yourself?"
There was a moment of silence in the big corner office, until Jim finally spoke up, "I was really surprised to win the tournament, sir. I have never played that well. Think of the score I could have had if I hadn't been sick!"

Problem With Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."