Popular jokes (23341 to 23355)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Scary Collection 44
A vampire joke
What happened at the vampires race?
It finished neck and neck!
A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite drink?
A bloody mary!
A ghost joke
Why did the car stop when it saw a ghost?
It had a nervous breakdown!
A vampire joke
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
"Auld Fang Syne"!
A ghost joke
How do ghosts learn songs?
They read the sheet music!
A vampire joke
Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
He had fang decay!
A witch joke
What's the best way of seeing a witch?
On the television!
Three mice are sitting around ...
Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths.The first mouse says, "Mouse traps, Ha! I do pushups with the bar."
The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin, "D-Con Rat Poison."
The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table, and starts to leave.
The first mouse says, "Where do you think you're going?�
"Time to go home and chase the cat."
One day, a young girl is walki...
One day, a young girl is walking through a park when she hears a faint "help me, help me." She looks around and follows the quiet voice to a bush near the path. Looking under the bush she spies a little green frog trapped under a log. The girl moves the log and picks up the frog."Oh, thank you, thank you," says the frog. "Take me home and put me on your pillow and in the morning I'll be a handsome Prince."
So the girl takes the frog home and puts him on the pillow and there in the morning is a handsome prince...
You don't believe that?
Neither did her mother!
TV control
“When my wife asked me where the TV control was, I had to tell her that I did not have the remotest idea.”
What Obama suffered from after
What Obama suffered from after the holidays: Presidential eggnog-urination.Through the pitch-black night,...
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: �Change your course 10 degrees east.�The light signals back: �Change yours, 10 degrees west.�
Angry, the captain sends: �I�m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!�
�I�m a seaman, second class,� comes the reply. �Change your course, sir.�
Now the captain is furious. �I�m a battleship! I�m not changing course!�
There is one last reply. �I�m a lighthouse. Your call.�
A man enters the hospital for
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed."Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis."
"What?!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"
"Oh, you might, " the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."
IRS Visit
A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
Saved By Buddha Nature
A Buddhist and a Hindu went skydiving together. As they prepared to jump, the Buddhist said, "If anything should go wrong--"
"Nothing will go wrong," said the Hindu. "But if it does, God will save me."
"Not a chance," the Buddhist said, "Because there IS no God. There is only your Essential Buddha Nature." The Hindu scoffed at this.
The pair leaped out of the plane. Halfway down, they discovered that their parachutes wouldn't open."My God!" screamed the Hindu. "Save me!" But he continued to plummet.
Just then he heard the Buddhist say, "I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature." Immediately, a giant hand came out of nowhere, cradled the Buddhist in its palm and gently began lowering him toward the ground.
The terrified Hindu too cried out, "I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature!" With that, another giant hand appeared, cradled the Hindu in its palm and gently lowered him toward the ground.
"Whew! That was a close one!" said the Hindu, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Thank God!" whereupon the giant hand turned over.
Tough times
A group of friends get together every Friday after work for a drink. One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp.
He then turned to his pal Bob and said: "Times are getting tough, my friend. Earlier today my wife told me she's going to cut me back to only two times a week. I can't believe it!"
"You think you've got it bad?" Bob retorted: "She's cut some of us guys out altogether!"
Tacks
A guy walks into the drug store and asks for a package of condoms.The pharmacist says, "That'll be $5 with the tax."
"Tacks!?" the guy exclaims, "I thought you rolled them on!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
