Popular jokes (23446 to 23460)

During his ‘bestiality y

During his ‘bestiality years' Elvis recorded several hits: Not just ‘Hound Dog', of course, but also ‘Love Me Ten Deers', ‘Viva Las Wolverines', and ‘In the Gecko.'

Heads or tails

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes for heads, and no for tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

If ignorance is bliss, why are...

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

 Answering Machine Message 09

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

Knock Knock Collection 045

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Deena!
Deena who?
Deena hear me the first time!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Delhi!
Delhi who?
Delhicatessen!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Delores!
Delores who?
Delores is on the side of the good guys!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
De Niro!
De Niro who?
De Niro I am to you, the more I like you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Denis!
Denis who?
Denis anyone?

Top Signs You're Bored at Work

You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2000.

You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

A couple walking in the park n...

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.
"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

A Prayer Upon Waking

Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you! Amen.

“The chefs argued abo

“The chefs argued about the flatbread until they realized it was a naan issue.”

Doctor I Swallowed A Pillow

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.

Mary's List

Mary's list for the throughout the ages...

What I Want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. He doesn't miss the toilet.

Sad!

There was once a hillbilly who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat back and thought about it.

Suddenly he thought - "I have never seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am a hillbilly and make fun of me."

He went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said, "I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini."

Immediately, the man behind the counter said "Are you a hillbilly?" This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The man behind the counter said, "Are you a hillbilly or not?"

This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which he asked, "But how did you know?"

The shopkeeper replied, "This is a hardware store!"

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by Glaci

“'There is no presen

“'There is no present like the thyme,' said the cook.”

A.J. Jamal: After Christmas

My mama was so cheap, she waited til after Christmas. Baby, Santa Claus missed our house. I called him, and he coming back tomorrow. She was waiting for the stuff to go on sale.

A senior citizen was clearing

A senior citizen was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be valued.
After studying them, the appraiser said, "Mr Cooper, I have good news and I have bad news."
"What's the good news?" the senior asked.
"The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso," replied the appraiser.
"Fantastic! What's the bad news?"
"Well sir, the bad news is that Stradivarius was a very bad painter and Picasso was no good with violins."