Popular jokes (23431 to 23445)

One day in New York City, a ba...

One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets.

He parked it and opened the door to get out.

Suddenl, a taxi went by and ripped the door off.

The driver reported this to a nearby police officer.

The officer saw the whole thing, and said, "You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well."

The banker stared at where his arm used to be, and said, "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"

Mr. Johnson walked anxiously t...

Mr. Johnson walked anxiously to the house and knocked.

When a nice old lady answered, he said sadly, “I’m sorry, madam, but I have some bad news. I’m afraid I have run over your cat. I… I would like to replace it.”

The little lady looked him up and down and said, “I’m game, but how good are you at catching mice?”

Try to explain women #joke #humor

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

Matt Goldich: School Assemblies

We had a lot of assemblies when I was growing up at my school, and they were all the same. Every assembly we had they would always bring in some former drug addict, and hed be like, Yeah, you know, I was addicted to drugs for 20 years, and I almost died, and thats why you shouldnt do drugs. And Id be like, Well, uh, you didnt die, and you got to do all those drugs!

Having a rough day?
R

Having a rough day?
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already.

Mitch Hedberg: Emergency Brake

A lot of times, Ill drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesnt say a lot for me, but it really doesnt say a lot for the emergency brake.

There were three women who alw...

There were three women who always hang their laundry out in the backyard.

When it rains, of course, the laundry always gets wet - all the laundry,

...except for the redhead's.

The other two women wonder why the redhead never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to the redhead, "How come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says the redhead, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at my husband. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if it is pointed up?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says the redhead, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"

Smart Alex

Alex was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" Alex said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

Up For Grabs

Three ministers are talking over lunch and before long find themselves discussing how much of the weekly offering is appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord.
The first minister says, "I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on both sides, and throw the money into the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line is God's and whatever lands on the left is mine."
The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but "I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine."They both contemplate each other's answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything. "Well, how do you do it?" asks the first to the third.
"Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, he'll grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor."

Tattoos

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?'
'Why of course!'
'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.' 'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.
'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.'
With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!'

Q: Why did the computer lose i

Q: Why did the computer lose its trust relationship with the domain?
A: Because it was corrupted in active directory and needed to be removed and re-added again!!!!

That dead

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.

He called in his receptionist to show her.

She took one look and said, "That's just like my Harry's."

"You mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.

"No," she replied. "That dead."

A man receives a call from his

A man receives a call from his credit card Company, "Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright."
"Yes," replied the man. "My card was stolen over a month ago."
"Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?" asked the card company representative.
"Why would I?" replied the man. "Whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!"

Three Wishes from a Genie

The pastoral associate, the associate pastor, and the pastor are taking a shortcut to a meeting. As they walk through a vacant lot, the trio stumbles on an ancient oil lamp. On a lark they rub it, and to their amazement a genie appears and offers to grant them each one wish.
The pastoral associate cries out, “I want to be on an island paradise, lolling in the sun without a care!” The genie waves his hand and she disappears in a puff of smoke.
The associate pastor jumps up and says, “I want to be walking through the halls of the Vatican, marveling at all the artwork and never have to go to another meeting as long as I live.” He too disappears.
Scowling, the pastor says to the genie,” I want t hose two back in time for the meeting.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

 Telling Some Stories

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.
A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."