Popular jokes (23416 to 23430)

Business One-liners 125

Schemmer's Law (Organization & Programs): When an organization faces a 20 year threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations.
Simmons's Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.
SNAFU Equations: 1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns. 2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least available. 3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. 4) Interchangeable devices won't. 5) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6) Badness comes in waves.
Thoreau's Theories Of Adaptation: 1) After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new command structure. 2) After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug" taken away, and you're left with a useless routine. 3) Efforts in improving a program's "user friendliness" invariable lead to work in improving user's "computer literacy". 4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature!
Thyme's Law: Everything goes wrong at once.
Universal Technical Document Units Law: Characteristics, specifications, dimensions, and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in exotic units, such as "tenth of troy once per barn" for pressures, or "acre times atmosphere per kilogram" for speeds.
Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed.

Writers Block

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils confused him... "2B or not to 2B?"

Annoying Phone

Irritated Boss: "Can't you hear that the phone is ringing? You must answer the telephone!"
New Secretary: "All right, but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you."

“His beard is so thic

“His beard is so thick, when he eats food he mustache some of it away for later.”

“What are aging Werew

“What are aging Werewolf barbers most afraid of? Silver mullets.”

The counter-lunch

There once was this guy who walked into a bar and ordered a counter-lunch. When his meal arrived he noticed a pile of peas on his plate. The man stares at them for a moment and than proceeds to tell the barman, "Gee, I haven't had a pea in forty years."

The barman then yells to the entire pub, "Quick, anyone who can't swim grab a chair!"

Top 10 things MEN would do if...

Top 10 things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do a split.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
1. Finally find that damned G spot!

A woman was on the witness sta

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.
"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."
"And when was that?"
"When he asked for his second cup."

Really funny jokes-Stuck under the bridge

Ponderings Collection 28

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is the word big so little and the word little so big?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 Humor About Ireland

Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan.
"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.
"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."

Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

#joke #animal #pet

“Long after a barrage

“Long after a barrage of eggs is ova, smashed pumpkins remain gourd offal.”

A businessman met a beautiful

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his
secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

Mike and Bill, are hanging out...

Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.

"Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand.

After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, "What was that all about?"

The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it.

Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints came onto my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop.

Ol' Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped.

So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."

Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves.

After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt.

Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look."

"Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."

Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you *really* ought to see this."

"Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?"

Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!"

Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops.

Mike takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my God... We're gonna be rich!"

Watch What You Order

Two men walk into a bar. The first guy says he wants some H2O.
The second guy says he wants some H2O too.
The second guy died.