Popular jokes (23401 to 23415)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go."

Business One-liners 102

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
When your opponent is down, kick him.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy
Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today.
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.

Adding Blonde

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

Panicking when her toddler swa

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

Converting for $500

Two old Jewish guys are walking down the street. They pass a

church. A sign on the church says "Convert with us, and we

pay you $500."

One of the guys says to his friend, "I could sure use the

money. I'll go for it."

His friend declines, and goes off.

The first guy sees the priest and asks about this offer.

"Yes," the priest says, "Take our conversion classes. At the

end of the classes, you convert, and we pay you $500."

The Jewish guy agrees, goes through the process, and gets

his $500.

Weeks later, he sees his old buddy. "How're you doing?" asks

his friend. "Did you convert?"

"Yes, yes," says the converted Jew.

"And? Did you get your five hundred dollars?"

The converted Jew stares at his old friend. "Money, money,

money," he sneers, "is that all you people think about?"

My daughter asked to go tobogg

My daughter asked to go tobogganing. I said “Not with that sleddy outfit!”

After numerous rounds of, &quo...

After numerous rounds of, "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked Canada's RCMP for help. The RCMP cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"

The children were lined up in ...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

“I want to start a bu

“I want to start a business selling artificial leather. I just need to know what a nauga is and how do I get its hide?”

Blind Skydivers

Why don't blind people skydive more often?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

How does a blind skydiver know the ground is near?

The leash goes slack

Prison guard job

“He turned down a prison guard job to become a prize fighter. Later he moaned, 'I could have been a con tender.'”

Clean St. Patrick's Day Humor

In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.

"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.

"Next?"

"Two glasses of whiskey."

"Next?"

"One glass of brandy."

"Next?"

"A fight."

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

President Bush can't find...

President Bush can't find WMD in Iraq, and can't do anything about gas prices, so he's come out for "Intelligent Design".

I guess that shows that religion, not patriotism, is the last refuge of a politician.

Mexican gas

What's a "feel-up"?

It's what you get at a Mexican gas station.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Really funny jokes-Chewing gum