Popular jokes (23386 to 23400)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A Chick With Long Legs
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
If you take the Noah's A
If you take the Noah's Ark story literally, you may be deluging yourself.A government that despises the
A government that despises the people is democritic.An Antartian named Babbette fi...
An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
Kisses for trade #jokes #humor
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
College Dormitory
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”
One student raised his hand and asked, “How much for a season pass?”
Florist Mistake
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card."Oh, it's all right." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."
"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."
"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.
"Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
Selling at an auction was halt...
Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.00”“I didn't used to li
“I didn't used to like duct-tape at first, but then I became very attached to it.”
Do You Know Me?
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness
to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've
known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't
the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you
know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his
parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me.
He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know
him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and
called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice,
he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows
me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
A No-frills Airline
You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:
- They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
- All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
- Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
- If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
- You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
- Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
- The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
- When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
- The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
- You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
- No movie. Don't need one.
- Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
- You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
- All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
Grass Sandwich
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
Rosebuds...
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
R.I.P. Seamus
This joke is really just an excuse to use a ridiculous Irish accent.
Mary Mcready was at home boiling potatoes for dinner, and one of her neighbors came up to the window.
"Mary," he said, "I've got horrible news about your husband Seamus. He's dead."
"Oh lord, my Seamus, how did it happen?" said Mary.
"Well," the neighbor said, "we went on a tour of the Guinness brewery, and Seamus fell into one of the vats and drowned".
"Did he at least go quickly?" asked Mary, looking for some degree of solace.
"I'm afraid not, Mary. He got out three times to pee"
