Popular jokes (23371 to 23385)

I got this e-mail today. It ha

I got this e-mail today. It had a diferent title, but it may offend some, so I changed it.
On a Sears hairdryer --" Do not use while sleeping."
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos-- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer BreadPudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning:May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

 Fishermen Killed

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

A woman is a complicated creat...

A woman is a complicated creature. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

Business one-liners 62

If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.

If anything can go wrong, it will.

If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor.

If at first you don't succeed, cheat!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

“The doctor told the

“The doctor told the patient to use a Q-tip. It went in one ear and out the other.”

Assorted 1

What's the difference between a man and a condom?

Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.

What do UFOs and caring men have in common?

You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.

Why is sex like a game of cards?

Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?

Whisky improves with age.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?

Because it is unused.

What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?

Divorced.

Did you hear about the stupid man who wanted to be a chef?

He thought coq au vin was sex in the back of a lorry.

Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?

Because they always dribble before they shoot.

Did you hear about the man who used to complain about the decorating while having sex?

He was destined to a life of DIY.

What are the three types of men?

The handsome,

the caring and the majority.

What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?

Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.

What is a man?

A life-support machine for a penis.

What's the nicest thing about a n*dist wedding?

You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?

Slow down.

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

What should you do with your old mates after a good night in?

Tie them in knots and throw them in the bin.

What do you call a Spanish streaker?

Senor Willy.

 Business One-liners 42

The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.
The one who does the least work will get the most credit.
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The one you want is never the one on sale.
The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
The only real errors are human errors.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.

Why did the teacher have to we...

Why did the teacher have to wear sunglasses?

Because his pupils were so bright!

My financial advisor warned me

My financial advisor warned me about Varsol. He said if I went near it I'd end up in solvent.

Old Man: "Are you the young fe...

Old Man: "Are you the young fellow who sold me this tube yesterday and told me it was toothpaste?"
Clerk: "Yes sir."
Old Man: "Well, I tried for half an hour this morning and I couldn't get my teeth to stick in."

A blonde girl was going on her...

A blonde girl was going on her first date and her grandmother gave her some advice:

"The boy may try to kiss you -- it will feel good, but don't do it. He may try to go up your skirt -- but don't let him. He may try to try to take your clothes off -- but don't do it. He may try to get on top of you -- but don't do it. If you do any of these things, you'll disgrace your family."

The girl said she understood and went on her date.

The girl came home at about 11pm and her grandmother was waiting for her and said, "Well, did you disgrace the family?"

"No", said the girl, "Instead of letting him do those things to me, I did them to him and now it's his family that's disgraced!"

The lucky old man!

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."

The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"

So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

What is the difference between...

What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A hematologist pricks your finger.

A waitress walks up to one of

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."
The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?"
One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

 Lightbulb Joke Collection 71

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 24 1/8, but that's down 3/8 from yesterday.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "And that's magic !"
Q: How many Will Rogers' does it take to change a dead light bulb?
A: None. He never met a dead light bulb he didn't like.
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.