Popular jokes (23371 to 23385)

A man and his girlfriend were ...

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

“After a few beers on

“After a few beers on the plane, Charlie was flying high into the wild brew yonder.”

 Great School Humor

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
--Groucho Marx
1890-1977

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This reminds me of the student who began his Middle Ages story with:
"He was a dark and stormy knight...."

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In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class.
Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.

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Q: What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says "Get that gum out of your mouth", where as the train says "Chew, Chew ".

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"The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people."

A judge was interviewing a wom...

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

We all get stung, after the st

We all get stung, after the stock market has piqued.

He was in ecstasy with a huge

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth... back and forth... in and out....
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed...
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder...
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "Okay, Okay! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you bastard!!!"

Kidding Me...

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

I am paranoid about pickpocket...

I am paranoid about pickpockets. I have nervous of steal.

Tom is almost 29 years old, hi

Tom is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Tom just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Tom replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Tom and his friend get together. "So Tom. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"
Tom shrugged his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."
"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my father can't stand her!"

Militarization. Now that’s all arming.

#joke #short

A Little Quarrel

A man and his wife started out in the car after a quarrel. She sat in the back seat and continued to berate him for his faults. In her excitement she pounded on the car door and it flew open. Several blocks later one of their neighbors flagged the man down.

"Your wife fell out of the car back there," he said.

The man looked over at the back seat. "Thank goodness!" he said, "I thought I had lost my hearing!"

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. It's the usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently - although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Worried Sick in Indiana

“How are you getting on with y...

“How are you getting on with your exams?”
“Not bad. The questions are easy enough – it’s the answers I have trouble with!”

Too Hot

It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"
she replied. "Probably that I married you for your money."

Just a smile