Popular jokes (23491 to 23505)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Lost His Buttons
NOTE: Possibly Offensive Joke
DO NOT READ if you are easily offended.
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A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his
pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell
into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole,
so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes
without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the
man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and
the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along
with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a mirror at the
holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the
trash as well.
A policeman observed all this and asked the man for
identification.
The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister
of the gospel. So, of course, the policeman promptly
escorted him to a mental institution.
The minister protested violently, asking why he was
receiving such unjust treatment.
"Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman
replied, "Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't
save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his
buttons."
School Collection 28
Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
I'm learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
“Did you hear about t
“Did you hear about the little girl who went upstairs to get some medicine? I think she's coming down with something.”
Silly Collection 05
I'd tell you another joke about a pencil.
But it doesn't have any point!
Why do idiots eat biscuits?
Because they're crackers!
What was the gangsters last words?
Who put that violin in my violin case!
Did you hear about the little boy that they named after his father?
They called him dad!
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir!
Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot?
He flew 57 missions!
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over!
If you take the Noah's A
If you take the Noah's Ark story literally, you may be deluging yourself.I Don't Deserve an 'F'
A student burst into his professor’s office and says, "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this 'F' grade that you've given me!"
To which Professor Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
An Antartian named Babbette fi...
An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
Lord, Don't Let Me Be Late!
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off,and started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either."
The local sheriff was looking ...
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job."Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Grass Sandwich
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
A young naval student was bein...
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain."What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
A police recruit was asked dur...
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"He said: "Call for backup."
Shoe Repair
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked.
“Not very likely,” his wife said.
“It's worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.
With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I'll have to look for these.”
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!”
“No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time.”
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.
“They'll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.
