Popular jokes (23506 to 23520)

One day an employee came in to...

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?" "They called back!"

Everyone joins in

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.

But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Tantilazing

A new bride went to her doctor

A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor, "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"
The doctor replies, "We call that the penis."
The new bride then asks, "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"
The doctor replies, "We call that the head of the penis."
The bride then asks, "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"
The doctor replies, "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

Finding a bottle on the beach,

Finding a bottle on the beach, Jake uncorks it and releases a genie.
"Ah, now you get three wishes," says the genie.
"Great!" Jake replies. "First, I want one billion dollars."
Poof! There's a flash, and a paper with Swiss bank account numbers appears in Jake's hand.
"Next, I want a nice ocean-side house in Hawaii."
Poof! Another flash, and he is holding the deed to an ocean side property in Hawaii.
"Finally," Jake says, "I want to be irresistible to women."
Poof! There's another blinding flash ...and Jake turns into a box of chocolates.

A fresh-faced lad on the...

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mum, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

The teacher said; “Take a penc...

The teacher said; “Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’” Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly.
“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”
“I’m waiting for my secretary,” Joe replied.

California jury

The trial of Saddam Hussein is beginning.

They say the evidence against Saddam Hussein is so strong that even a California jury might convict him.

A woman decided to have her po...

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

Corporate Lesson 1

A ...

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Easy pick up

Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?

A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Murder by Numbers

Three men walk into a room.
Two get shot.
How many are left?
Three—its not like the two that were shot could get up and walk out!

Caskets

Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket?
A: Is that you coughin?

A blonde went into a world wid...

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: " I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

"Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees". She did. "Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead take it out....." he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands... then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well... go ahead".

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, she said...

"HELLO MOM... CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

My girlfriend and I had been d...

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

John had been working for an A

John had been working for an Advertising Firm for almost three year, and was getting a promotion,when his boss called him into his office.
"John, I'm sorry I'm gonna have to let you go, when I put you up for promotion, the company did a background check, and we found out that you got kicked out of Yale, for lying about getting your diploma. I'm sorry, but I need you out within the hour."
"But I've been working so hard, I've been doing such good work," John said.
"I'm sorry John, but we can't have liars working for us."
"But this is an advertising firm!"