Popular jokes (23536 to 23550)

Redneck quickies 27

You might be a rednack if...

Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.

You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.

You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.

You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.

It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.

You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.

You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.

You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.

You've ever shoplifted Spam.

You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.

Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.

You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.

Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.

You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.

Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.

You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.

None of your zippers have all their teeth either.

You are driving the car you were conceived in.

You've ever used scissors on food.

Hilarious jokes-Lawyer speak

A couple walking in the park n...

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.
"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

Raven & Mad Dog

Q: What do you get when you cross a raven with a mad dog?

A: A ravin' lunatic.

Do Not Drink

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilet. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!”. After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

 Big Ethical Dilemma

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.
She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.
On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

Do overprivileged children go

Do overprivileged children go online for their social networthing?

Yo Mama

yo mama is so ugly that when she walked into the kitchen, rats jumped on the table and started to scream

The Boreal is a forest to be reckoned with.

#joke #short

A man walked into the office o

A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.
"Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."
"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

A student burst into his profe...

A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

A woman was watching her husba

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."
"Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."

Walking up to the bar and orde...

Walking up to the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so ticked off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damn husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room, he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And the lazy son of a bitch urinated out the window right onto my head."

"Yuck!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my damn forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. What really ticked me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his butt out the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ticked me off? When I looked down, I noticed that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Question: If you could live fo

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, former New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland

"So I rang up my local sw...

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"