Popular jokes (23536 to 23550)

The Perfect Poem...

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I cannot sea;
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please to no;
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

Mysterious Hole at the N*dist Camp

Q: What are they doing about the mysterious hole discovered at the Carefree N*dist Camp?
A: Nothing -- the police wont look into it.

Before going to Europe on busi...

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Heckling in the courtroom had ...

Heckling in the courtroom had constantly interrupted the trial, and the judge had had enough.

�The next person who interrupts this proceeding will be thrown out of my court!� he said severely, at which the defendant yelled, �Hooray!�

Brain Transplant

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

The golf shot...

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit theblasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Commandment 1. Marriages are m

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Ghost Fibbers

Why are ghosts bad at lying?
Because you can see right through them.

Burglar and an Elderly Woman

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

The counter-lunch

There once was this guy who walked into a bar and ordered a counter-lunch. When his meal arrived he noticed a pile of peas on his plate. The man stares at them for a moment and than proceeds to tell the barman, "Gee, I haven't had a pea in forty years."

The barman then yells to the entire pub, "Quick, anyone who can't swim grab a chair!"

The boss was concerned that hi...

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

 An Engineer And A Programmer

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

A "blondie" named Ni...

A "blondie" named Nina is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire with Regis Philbin...

Regis: "Nina, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left...phone a friend. The next question is worth one million dollars if you get it right. If you get it wrong you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

Nina: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it... A.-Robin B.-Sparrow C.-Cuckoo D.-Thrush."

Nina: " I think I know who it...but I'm not 100%. I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call my sister, Carol."

Carol (a newly turned blonde) answers the phone:"Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Carol, its Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire - I have your Sister Nina here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Nina's ..."

Nina: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A.-Robin B.-Sparrow C.-Cuckoo or D.- Thrush"

Carol: "Oh geez, Nin. That's simple...it's a Cuckoo."

Nina: "Are you sure? Are you REALLY sure?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Nina: "HOW sure are you?"

Carol: "So sure that I am getting ready to pop open a bottle of champagne and reserve the airline ticket that you are going to buy me to come up and celebrate."

Regis: "Nina, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"

Nina: "I want to play! Carol is very dramatic and likes attention, but she HATES to be wrong! I'll go with C-Cuckoo."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Nina: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."

Regis: "So C is that your final answer?"

Nina: "Yes."

Regis: "You said C-Cuckoo...and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

To celebrate, Nina flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Nina looks at Carol and asks her,"Tell me, how did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

Carol: "Nina, it was easy.... Everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

“Long after a barrage

“Long after a barrage of eggs is ova, smashed pumpkins remain gourd offal.”

The manager of a large corpora

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the poop of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.
The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with poop, but now you ask me to make decisions."