Popular jokes (23581 to 23595)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Funny jokes-Airlines humor
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Had Any Stiff Ones
A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"
Lightbulb Joke Collection 42
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They're never in the dark.
Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to change the bulb, three to watch him work, one to supervise, one to make the tea, and two to phone in to say that they can't make it in to work today.
Q: How many British trades unionists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They cannot interfere with the lightbulb's inalienable right to withdraw its labour.
Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality."
Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.
Q: How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.
Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.
Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None, they're afraid there's been too much development already.
Cured...
A woman went to doctor's office for her annual examination.
Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.
A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman's doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren... and you told her she was pregnant?"
The woman's doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"
Lisa Landry: Spicing Up the Sex Life
I told him, You are not bringing home a hooker. That is inappropriate. I cant have that. Theres no way Im gonna watch my husband have sex with another woman, right in front of me, and then she gets paid cash for it -- and then she gets to leave! I dont think so, hooker. Youre gonna sit down and listen to him talk for half an hour.White Ball Poem
In my hand I hold a ball….white and dimpled, rather small….
Oh , how bland it does appear….this harmless looking little sphere….
By its size I could not guess….the awesome strength it does possess….
But since I fell beneath it's spell….I've wandered through the fires of hell..
My life has not been quite the same….Since I chose to play this stupid game….
It rules my mind for hours on end…A fortune it has made me spend….
It has made me swear and yell and cry….I hate myself and want to die….
It promises a thing called par….If I can hit straight and far ….
To master such a tiny ball….should not be very hard at all …
But my desires the ball refuses….and does exactly like it chooses….
It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies….and even disappears before my eyes….
Often it will take a whim….to hit a tree or take a swim….
With miles of grass on which to land….it finds a tiny patch of sand….
Then has me offering up my soul….if only it would find the hole….
It's made me whimper like a pup….and swear that I will give it up….
And take a drink to ease my sorrow….but the ball knows….. I'll be back tomorrow!!!!
A blonde was driving home one ...
A blonde was driving home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a bad hail storm. The hailstones were the size of golf balls. Her car was dented beyond description.The next day, she took it to a repair shop. Noticing that she was blonde, the technician decided to have some fun. He told her to take the car home and blow real hard into the tailpipe and the dents would pop out.
When she got home, she started blowing into the tailpipe as she was instructed. At that moment, her blonde girlfriend drove by and saw her puffing on the tailpipe.
Thinking the worst, the friend was startled and said, "What are you doing?"
She said that the man at the body shop told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.
Her girlfriend said, "Well, duhhhhhh! You need to roll up the windows first!"
Same Songs Again?
The church service was over. The pastor stood at the door shaking hands with the people as he left. A woman shook his hand and said, “You know what? I don’t think I’ll come back anymore. Every time I come, either you sing ‘He Arose’ or ‘Silent Night, Holy Night.’
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Cutest Baby Chicks Ever
Why do baby chicks say cheap, cheap, cheap? Because they cant say expensive, expensive, expensive!Urologist Appointment
I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients.I approached the desk and gave the receptionist -- a large, imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. In a very loud voice she repeated my name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here-----you want to see the doctor about IMPOTENCE, right?
I was stunned, but recovered my composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation---and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!!"
There was a student who was de...
There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.
"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."
"How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
Admission for the course was thus secured.
Grandpa and Grandpa...
Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
