Popular jokes (23596 to 23610)

Chuck Norris' tears cure cance...

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Mrs. Swanson declined to serve...

Mrs. Swanson declined to serve on the jury because she was not a believer in capital punishment and didn’t want her beliefs to get in the way of the trial.

“But, Madam,” said the public defender, who had taken a liking to her kind face and calm demeanor, “this is not a murder trial. It is merely a civil lawsuit being brought by a wife against her husband. He gambled away the fifteen thousand dollars he’d promised to spend on a chinchilla coat for her birthday.”

“Hmmm,” reflected Mrs. Swanson. “Okay, I’ll serve, I could be wrong about capital punishment.”

One wish....

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

“Dieting fraud is hig

“Dieting fraud is high weigh robbery.”

One for the Voluntee

Tennessee folks make fun of their northern Virginian neighbors with this quip:

You know why birds fly upside down over Scott County, Virginia?

"Cause there ain't nothin' worth shittin' on up there!"

T.G.I.F.

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house Wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't Realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front'

Dad's turn to feed the baby....

The first-time dad was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food all over the baby.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband, who is just staring off into space and says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm just waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

An absent-minded academic had ...

An absent-minded academic had just moved to a new house further along the same street. All too aware of his tendency to forget things, his wife took the precaution of writing down the new address on a piece of paper before he set off for work that morning.

"Here's the key to our new house," she said, "and remember, don't come back here this evening, go to the new address."

"Very well, dear," he replied, and set off for work.

Inevitably in the course of the day he mislaid the slip of paper and, forgetting all about the move, he automatically returned to the old address. When he tried the key, he couldn't get in. This prompted him to remember the move and to search in his pockets for the piece of paper, which was nowhere to be found.

In desperation, he wandered along the street and stopped the first approachable young man he came across.

"Excuse me, young man, I'm Professor Richardson. You wouldn't happen to know where I live, would you?"

The boy sighed. "Come with me Dad," he said.

A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

 Knock Knock Collection 004

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ahmed!
Ahmed who?
Ahmedeus Motzart!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alaska!
Alaska who?
Alaska my friend the question then!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aida!
Aida who?
Aida lot of sweets and now I've got tummy ache!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Al!
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open this door!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aladdin!
Aladdin who?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you!

 Knock Knock Collection 095

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irene!
Irene who?
Irene and Irene but still no one answers the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Iris!
Iris who?
Iris you were here!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irma!
Irma who?
Irma big girl now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Isaac!
Isaac who?
Isaac'ly who do think this is?

Alexander and Kermit

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
A: Their middle name.

Now that we are into renaming ...

Now that we are into renaming things like Mount Diablo, President Obama wants to rename the San Andreas Fault. His suggestion, Bush's Fault.

Try to explain women #joke #humor

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

Matt Goldich: School Assemblies

We had a lot of assemblies when I was growing up at my school, and they were all the same. Every assembly we had they would always bring in some former drug addict, and hed be like, Yeah, you know, I was addicted to drugs for 20 years, and I almost died, and thats why you shouldnt do drugs. And Id be like, Well, uh, you didnt die, and you got to do all those drugs!