Popular jokes (23716 to 23730)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Two soldiers were having a cha...
Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time. The first soldier asked the second, "Why did you join the army?" The second soldier replied, "I didn't have a wife and I loved war -- so I joined. Why did you join the army?"To which the first soldier answered, "I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined."
Customer: I have problems prin
Customer: I have problems printing in red...Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah... thank you.
A tourist walks into a pet sho...
A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please."The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000."
The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper. "That was a very expensive monkey - most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
"Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looks at the monkeys in that cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000 dollars! What does it do?."
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff."
The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
"Well, I don't know if it does anything, but it says it's a Consultant."
Christmas Scottish Divorce
A man in Scotland calls his son in Edinburgh the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; thirty years of misery is enough.""Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in Aberdeen and tell her "
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls home immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
Really funny jokes-Laws of Auto Racing
10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said "I think it will go ok today".
9) You only get the lead when you need fuel.
8) If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will.
7) A part will never break during a test session, only during a race.
6) The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week.
5) The part you left at the shop is the one you need.
4) The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel left in the car.
3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race, two laps down.
2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at.
1) A 10-car pileup will never happen behind you!
The Chaplain had been assigned
The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line."A smile, a cheerful comment, and a willingness to serve, will all reap great benefits," he told them.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.
The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"
The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."
The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
Airplane ride...
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.
The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Buckle Up
Buckle up - it's harder for the aliens to abduct you!What do you call a dude in a l...
What do you call a dude in a leather jacket? A rebel without a clue!Your friend the computer
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing 'com' after every period when using a word.
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows 'no new messages' and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to 'Netscape' before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say 'LOL, LOL'.
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
