Popular jokes (23701 to 23715)

Dinner speaker: Why did you wr...

Dinner speaker: Why did you write me such a long speech? The people were bored! Secretary: Sir, I gave you a 20-minute speech, plus the two extra copies you wanted.

My girlfriend and I had been d...

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

Dentist bill

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. “I'm shocked!” she complained. “This is three times what you normally charge.”

“Yes, I know,” said the dentist. “But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients.”

“Why was Zeus so angr

“Why was Zeus so angry? Someone stole his thunder.”

Bear Jokes 02

Q: How do you hire a teddy bear?

A: Put him on stilts!

Q: What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A: A polo bear!

Q: Why do polo bears like bald men?

A: Because they have a great, white, bear place!

Q: What do polo bears have for lunch?

A: Ice burger!

Q: What's a teddy bears favorite pasta?
A: Tagliateddy!

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

A: They both have 'the' as their middle names!

Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?

A: It lives on ice!

Q: Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?

A: Because they'd rather go to the cinema!

Q: What is a bear's favorite drink?

A: Koka-Koala!

Q: Why was the little bear so spoiled?

A: Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!

Hilarious jokes-Parrot in plane

A man at the airline counter t...

A man at the airline counter tells the rep. “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.
The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”
The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.

Check Up

So I went to the doctor last week for a check up, and the doctor was like "you have GOT to stop masturbating!" and I was like "oh no Doc! Why?!?"

And he said "because I'm trying to examine you!"

A woman at a petrol station no

A woman at a petrol station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump petrol into it.
The woman noticed the letters "U.F.O." printed on the side of the ship.
She turned to the alien and asked, "Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object?"
The alien answered, "No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!"

Mouse Droppings

An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagles butt and asks, How high up are we?
About 2,000 feet, the eagle replies.
The mouse replies, You aint sh*ttin me, are you?

Another Saturday Night

Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes? Gives em something to do on Saturday night!

Great To Be A Woman

Reason's why it's great to be a woman

1. Free drinks.
   
2. Free dinners.
   
3. Free movies.
   
4. Speeding ticket? What's that?
   
5. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
   
6. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
   
7. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
   
8. You can sleep your way to the top.
   
9. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
   
10. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
    
11. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
    
12. Brad Pitt.
    
13. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
    
14. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
    
15. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
    
16. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
    
17. You have the ability to dress yourself.
    
18. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
    
19. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
    
20. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
    
21. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
    
22. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
    
23. You've never had a goatee.
    
24. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
    
25. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
    
26. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
    
27. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
    

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth ...

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

We all get stung, after the st

We all get stung, after the stock market has piqued.

Twenty-one reasons why Engl...

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?