Popular jokes (23701 to 23715)

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an ...

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

 Dog Jokes 02

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde?
A: A jet setter!

Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has?
A: Puppy dogs!

Q: Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle?
A: Because he was short and couldn't reach any higher!

Q: Where do Eskimos train their dogs?
A: In the mush room!

Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
Because frost bites!

Q: What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog?
A: An animal that barks at low flying aircraft!

Q: What do you call an alcoholic dog?
A: A whino!

Q: What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog?
A: Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!

Q: When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house?
A: When the door is open!

Q: Why don't dogs make good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!

Blonde And a Turtle

What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?

Once their on their back there screwed.

Did you hear about the two rad...

Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

 Farmer Has Problems

There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. H sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.
Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask." In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.
So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees, saying "Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens." The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work.
Moral of the Story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming' ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."

Two Viagra pills walked into a

Two Viagra pills walked into a bar. They sat down next to two marijuana plants who were engrossed in an animated discussion.
"I don't get it," one marijuana plant said to the other, "Why aren't we legal? Nobody's being hurt by us."

One of the viagra pills scoffed at them.
The marijuana plant turned to him and asked, "What's your problem, don't you think we should be legal?"

"No", the viagra pill replied. "We're hard-on drugs."

My mom is amazing. She told me...

My mom is amazing. She told me, “Some women slow down in their fifties, but me no pause.”

Applying For A Job

A blonde was filling out a job application form. She quickly filled out the columns entitled: Name, Age, Address, etc.

Finally, she came to the column: Salary Expected.

She wrote, "YES."

Lessons Learned from Geese

When you look to the sky this fall and see the geese migrating South, remember the following:

When you see geese flying in a “V” formation, you might be interested in knowing what scientists have discovered about why they fly that way.

FACT: As each bird flaps its wings it creates an uplift for the bird immediately following. By flying in a “V” formation, the whole flock adds at least 71 percent greater flying range than if each bird flew on its own.

TRUTH: People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they are going quicker and easier because they are traveling on the trust of one another.

2. FACT: Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to go it alone and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird immediately in front.

TRUTH: There is strength and power and safety in numbers when traveling in the same direction with whom we share a common goal.

3. FACT: When the lead goose gets tired, he rotates back in the wing and another goose flies point.

TRUTH: It pays to take turns doing hard jobs.

4. FACT: The geese honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.

TRUTH: We all need to be remembered with active support and praise.

5. FACT: When a goose gets sick or is wounded and falls out, two geese fall out of formation and follow him down to help and protect him. They stay with him until the crisis resolves, and then they launch out on their own or with another formation to catch up with their group.

TRUTH: We must stand by each other in times of need.

Kick the habit

Letter from Men to Women

FROM MEN TO WOMEN

GENERAL DISCLAIMER FOR ANY WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS WHO HAPPEN

UPON A COPY OF THIS:

1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage

location.

2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I

will come home with the wrong thing.

3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can

still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during

timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to

this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an

immediate response.

4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels

during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to

change the channel back. I always know when the timing is

right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go

back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.

5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than

willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my

mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to

the couch.

6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do

something it is not necessary for you to call his

wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

7) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes.

And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making

that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything

yet and if I do it will be your fault.

8) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

9) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get

dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten

minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am

getting dressed, not getting ready.

10) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a

certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a

no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get

dressed while watching TV.

11) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished

then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's

only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the

bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of

its own.

12) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

13) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like

stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

A man goes to the dentist and

A man goes to the dentist and says, "My teeth are kind of yellow, what do you recommend?"
The dentist replies, "A brown tie!"

"A Horse goes into a bar and t...

"A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says,
""Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"" "

A police recruit was asked dur...

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

Tired of having to balance his...

Tired of having to balance his wife Lucy’s checkbook, Bob made a deal with her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise.

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, the woman said proudly, “There! I’ve done it! I made it balance!”
Impressed, Bob came over to take a look.

“Let’s see … mortgage 550.00…electricity 70.50…phone 35.00.” His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. “It says here ESP, 615.00. What the heck is that?”

“Oh,” she said, “That means, Error Some Place.”