Popular jokes (23686 to 23700)

Three Irishmen discussing the ...

Three Irishmen discussing the best invention in the history of mankind. "The wheel", says the first one, "definitely, the wheel, everywhere you can go now due to the wheel!"

"No, wrong you are", says the second. "'Twas fire, aye fire, now we can cook our food better by far."

"Both of ya are wrong" says number three. "Sure it be the thermos, aye, the thermos sure enough!"

Astounded his mates reply, "The bloody thermos??! All that does is keep hot things hot an' cold things cold!!"

"Yup," says number three. "But how does it bloody know?

When I was at school, I was as...

When I was at school, I was as smart as the next fellow. Too bad the next fellow was such an idiot.

Four people are in an airplane...

Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him. The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it." "That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."

Good jokes-Long sunny day

Confucius says

Confucius says:

'Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.'

'Virginity like bubble. One prick and all gone.'

'Man who run in front of car get tired.'

'Man who run behind car get exhausted.'

'Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.'

'Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.'

'Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.'

'Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.'

'Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.'

'Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk.'

'Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.'

‘War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.'

'Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.'

'Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.'

'It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.'

'Man who drive like hell bound to get there.'

‘Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.'

'Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.'

‘He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.'

'Man who farts in church sits in own pew.'

'Man with one chopstick go hungry.'

Chuck Norris doesn't look both...

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

 Answering Machine Message 29

Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

A doctor is doing the rounds o...

A doctor is doing the rounds of a maternity ward. "And when is Mrs. Smith's baby due?" he asks the nurse.

"The 5th of September," replies the nurse.

"I see," says the doctor, "And how about Mrs.Jones?"

"She's due on the 5th too," replies the nurse.

"And Mrs.Evans?" says the doctor.

"She's also due on the 5th," says the nurse.

"And, don't tell me Mrs. Brown is due on the 5th as well," says the doctor.

"I don't think so," replies the nurse. "She didn't go to the company picnic."

Two happily married 60 year ol...

Two happily married 60 year olds were on vacation when they came across a magic lamp. They rubbed it three times and a Jeanie came out. The Jeanie was willing to grant each person a single wish. The wife wished to travel around the world. Then "poof" a bunch of airline tickets showed up in her hands. The man thought about what he wanted to wish for.
Hesaid to the Jeanie,” I wish my wife was thirty years younger than me." Then "poof" he turned into a 90 year old man.

Standing on the tee of a relat

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.
The golfer was insulted and proceeded to berate the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under estimate his game.
So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.
He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it folled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt..."

A teenager comes home from sch...

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would.

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

Lottery Winner

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care...Just get the hell out!"

“What do you call a p...

“What do you call a person rabid with wordplay? An energizer punny.”

Horse for sale...

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.

"Before you start" the preacher said,"you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is praise the lord and stop is amen."

So the man on the horse says " Praise the lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says "Praise the lord," and the horse starts to gallop.

Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells "Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.

The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the Lord."

“The use of drones to

“The use of drones to deliver magazines will certainly raise some issues.”