Popular jokes (23686 to 23700)

What Is One Billion?

According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.

“The hamburgers had s

“The hamburgers had so little beef that even a microscopic tektite would be a little meteor.”

Q: Why can't idiots make Kool-...

Q: Why can't idiots make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't get a quart of water to stay in the envelope

More Corny Pick-up Lines...

More Corny Pick-up Lines

So... How am I doing?

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. Would you smile for me?

I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today, and your name was there.

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

Do you like short love affairs? I hate them. I've got all weekend.

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

I'm like American Express; you don't want to leave home without me.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Excuse me, Ms, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?

If you cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Is your dad a thief? Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes?

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

Hi, my name is . That's so you'll know what to scream.

Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?

Pull my finger.

The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

The first time is always the hardest.

Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

You know what would look good on you? Me.

Two cows are standing around w...

Two cows are standing around when one cow says to the other: "So what do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other replies, "What do I care, I'm a hellicopter!"

Lucky dogs

Why do dogs put their noses in women's crotches?

Because they can.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

My prayers are answered...

A grandmother who took her little grandson to the beach. They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept the boy out to sea. She fell down on her knees and pleaded to the heavens, "Please return my grandson, that's all I ask! PLEASE!!!"

A moment later, lo and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the wet, yet unhurt child, at her feet. She checked him over to make sure that he was okay. He was fine. But still she looked up to the heavens angrily and said, "When we came he had a hat!"

Minimum Wage

A man owned a small Ranch In Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

An Antartian named Babbette fi...

An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

“Canus Major was the

“Canus Major was the original alpha dog.”

Good weekend

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday, you may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave.

On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Tantilazing

Florist Mistake

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
"Oh, it's all right." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."
"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."
"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.
"Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

Knock Knock Collection 107

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juno!
Juno who!
Juno what time it is!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jupiter!
Jupiter who!
Jupiter fly in my soup!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jussi!
Jussi who!
Jussi fruit!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Justice!
Justice who!
Justice as I thought, no one home!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Justin time for tea!

 Answering Machine Message 160

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

First Class Blondie

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."