Popular jokes (23761 to 23775)

Men Are Like Bank Accounts

Most men are like bank accounts...
When they don't have a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

These two little boys are sitt...

These two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs.

The father "gets the message", and they both get up and head towards the stairs.

The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "we're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV we'll be right back, Ok?".

The two boys nod 'OK', and the parents take off upstairs.

The eldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks
into his mom and dad's bedroom and just shakes his head.

Back downstairs he goes back to his little brother. "Come with me", he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this Is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumbs."

No mice at hotel

Waiter: You know there are no mice at our hotel.
Customer: Why, is your hotel so clean and well maintained?
Waiter: No sir, the food is so bad.

Race me to that glass of veget

Race me to that glass of vegetable juice, and I will beet you to a pulp.

Responsible Employee

Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job."
Applicant: "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."

Professional soccer is the mos...

Professional soccer is the most hard score sport there is.

This joke is toast

Q: What does a slice of toast wear to bed?

A: Jammies

“What do you call it

“What do you call it when a bad-tempered old baker goes bankrupt? A curmudgeonly crumble.”

Dwarves make excellent mathema

Dwarves make excellent mathematicians, gnome adder how small they are.

Q: Why are Je...

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?


A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.

The mailperson rings the doorb...

The mailperson rings the doorbell and as says: I have a parcel here, but the name on its obliterated.
Smiths says: Can’t be for me, then. My name is Smiths.

A man was traveling by bus

Minding his own business, wen a gorgeous
woman, sitting next to him started to breast feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it 2 this nice man here"

5 mins later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said,
"Cum on, honey. Take it or I'll give it 2 this nice man here"

A few min later the anxious man blurted out,
"Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

Pearly gates

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it.

After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl.

I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy, 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.

As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.

Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

Q: How can you tell if a fax c...

Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.
Q: Why do blondes have "TGIF" on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"
Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

An American woman of 40 wants ...

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"