Popular jokes (23776 to 23790)

Mouse Droppings

An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagles butt and asks, How high up are we?
About 2,000 feet, the eagle replies.
The mouse replies, You aint sh*ttin me, are you?

Another Saturday Night

Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes? Gives em something to do on Saturday night!

Great To Be A Woman

Reason's why it's great to be a woman

1. Free drinks.
   
2. Free dinners.
   
3. Free movies.
   
4. Speeding ticket? What's that?
   
5. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
   
6. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
   
7. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
   
8. You can sleep your way to the top.
   
9. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
   
10. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
    
11. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
    
12. Brad Pitt.
    
13. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
    
14. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
    
15. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
    
16. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
    
17. You have the ability to dress yourself.
    
18. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
    
19. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
    
20. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
    
21. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
    
22. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
    
23. You've never had a goatee.
    
24. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
    
25. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
    
26. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
    
27. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
    

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth ...

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

We all get stung, after the st

We all get stung, after the stock market has piqued.

Twenty-one reasons why Engl...

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

On a recent Canadian TV show t...

On a recent Canadian TV show there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
and
Number 3 - He screwed ugly white women.

Even now - Look at him..
His wife works and he don't;
And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Moses on His Walkie Talkie

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. "When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. "Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Camel time

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.

The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.

One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"

The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.

"It's about 2:00", he says.

The tourist can't believe what he just saw.

He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story,

"The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!"

One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.

He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done.

He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.

The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air.

Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."

Harold was an old man. He was

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold hadbreakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand.He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!

A man goes into his doctor...

A man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical. After awhile, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."

"But doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly, Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

A couple of jokes about marriage...

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Husband wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' And the father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

Debate about the box

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution.
"No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:
"I define myself to be on the outside."

The Politician and the Woman #joke #humor

The politician said to a woman, "You sure do look beautiful today!!!!"
The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same to you."
"Sure you could!!" said the politician, "if you could lie as well as I do!"

An organization is like a tree...

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.