Popular jokes (23776 to 23790)

doctor - affair - meatballs

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting hiswife to know, he gave the nurse

a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and

have the baby there. "But how will I let you

know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write

'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the

money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's

wife called him at the office and explained,

"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in

the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand

what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until

I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home,

read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart

attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The

lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac

arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti,

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage

and meatballs, two without.'"

 Answering Machine Message 125

Sorry... I'm far too depressed to come to the phone. If you can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot, and maybe somebody will call you I guess... (BANG!)

You can trust a skeleton

You can trust a skeleton. They are bonified.

“Canus Major was the

“Canus Major was the original alpha dog.”

Why did the jazz musician like...

Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?

Routine physical

A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics.

“How much do you weigh?” she asks.

“Oh, about 165.” he says.

The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, “Your height?”

“Oh, about six feet,” he says.

The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.

“High!” The man explains, “Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, I'm short and fat!”

Early one morning, a mother we...

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"


"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."


"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."


"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"


"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."


"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."


"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

What di

What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when Dorothy spilled beer on her?

“A magician got so an

“A magician got so angry that he hit the man in the juggler and then pulled his hare out.”

A college physics professor wa...

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” one young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued.
“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps certain people out of medical school.”

 Answering Machine Message 160

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

I always get drunk on my birth

I always get drunk on my birth daze.

Essential NEW WORDS FOR editio

Essential NEW WORDS FOR editions for the work-place vocabulary:
BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded"administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
404Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.

Lost

A drunk man was walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth.

A policeman came up to him and asked, “Sir, what are you doing?”

The drunk replied, “I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys.”

The police officer said, “Sir, do you know your zipper is down?”

The drunk replied, “Damn, I lost my wife too!”

A couple of jokes about marriage...

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Husband wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' And the father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'