Popular jokes (2386 to 2400)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A young blonde was on vacation...
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Why did the mermaid cross the sea?
It is International Mermaid Day!
Why did the mermaid cross the sea?
To get to the other tide.
The senility prayer...
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference...Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat - cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.... (That's an oldie!)
A very shy guy goes into a pub...
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will not pay $200!"
My Boss Won't Stop Flirting
My boss won't stop flirting with me.
It makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
Mainly because we're a family run business.
Late one night a mugger wearin...
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money." A stingy old lawyer who had be...
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
From Dust to Dust
After church, Robbie tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family."Pastor," Robbie says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
British top 20 funniest new Christmas cracker jokes for 2020
The TV channel Gold’s eighth annual ranking, which is chosen by a panel chaired by the comedy critic Bruce Dessau, was put to 2,000 UK voters. Check out top 20 jokes.
1. Q: What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song?
A: Driving Home for Christmas
2. Q: Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop?
A: Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate!
3. Q: Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem?
A: All Virgin flights were cancelled
4. Q: Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?
A: They have herd immunity
5. Q: Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown?
A: Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen
6. Q: Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto?
A: Because eventually, it's behind you
7. Q: Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call?
A: Because there was no Zoom at the inn
8. Q: Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute?
A: He doesn't know how many tiers it should have
9. Q: What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner?
A: They put on a super spread
10. Q: Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time?
A: Home Alone
11. Q: How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly?
A: Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail
12. Q: Why won't Santa lose any presents this year?
A: He's downloaded Sack and Trace
13. Q: How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas?
A: It'll take ages to flatten the curve
14. Q: How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year?
A: Fine. No sweat
15. Q: Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials?
A: Because they only wanted guinea pigs
16. Q: Which government scheme supports Christmas dinner?
A: Eat Sprout To Help Out
17. Q: How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party?
A: Put him on mute
18. Q: How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited?
A: He keeps a logbook
19. Q: Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas?
A: Marcus Rashford
20. Q: Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem?
A: Because they couldn't book a home delivery
Dumb Horse
A guys car broke down. He pulled over to the side of the road.Luckly there was a farm near by.He asked the farmer if he could help. The farmer said "sure just let me get my horse, Bruce. So they hooked the car up. The farmer called out to his horse,giddyup Sonya!
The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Tonya! The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Bruce! The horse moved. So when they got back they fixed the mans car. The man said thank you and then asked the farmer why he called different names."
Well" the farmer started, "Bruce won't do anything if he knows he's the only one doing it."
There were three little boys v...
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"
Myq Kaplan: Long Distance Relationship
The best part about dating someone who is overweight is, if its long distance, the distance is slightly less long. And gravity pulls you even closer. So, science really working for you. 
