Popular jokes (2401 to 2415)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Alfred Robles: Girl Like a Report Card
I want a girl that reminds me of my report card: her face has to be an A, she has to have double DDs, cause tonight I want to F.The almonds
A priest decides one day to visit one of his elderly parishoners, Mrs. Smith. He rings the door bell and Mrs. Smith appears. "Good day, Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how you are doing."
"Oh just fine Father, come on in, and we'll have some tea."
While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?" the priest says.
"Not at all, have as many as you like."
After a few hours, the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visting, says to Mrs. Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh, but dear me, I have eaten all your alomonds. I'll have to replace them the next time I visit."
Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh don't bother Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."
Dan Mintz: Science Project With Dad
When I was eight years old, I had to do a science project, but my dad just did it for me. I didnt contribute at all. I think the teacher kind of figured it out when the project was called, Is My Wife Cheating on Me? 
Problem With Gas
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"
The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Betty, the town gossip and sel...
Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.Most local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon.
Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
Too Tight and Revealing
“Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing,” I said to my wife.
She said, “Wear your own then.”
A wife went to the police stat...
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Elephant fart
Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB." The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH." The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM." The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the famers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"
No worry
A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.
"Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye."
Her husband's best friend says: "Who was it?"
"That was my husband," she replied.
The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.
"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you"
A man walks into a chemist's ...
A man walks into a chemist's and says, "Can I have a bar of soap, please?" The chemist says, "Do you want it scented?" And the man says, "No, I'll take it with me now".
Ronnie Barker (1929-2005)
Picture: Getty
A family of three was heading to Kansas, and they got...
A family of three was heading to Kansas, and they got to the airport way early. The four-year-old son, super excited, kept wandering off, so his dad had to chase him down over and over.Finally, the dad got tired and said, “If you wander off again, I’ll check you in with the luggage!”
Of course, the kid wanders off again. So the dad picks him up and takes him to the gate agent. The agent says, “Uh, sir, you can’t check in your own child.”
The dad sighs and says, “So… you’re saying I’ll have to carry on my wayward son?”
If you ever fall in love
If you ever fall in love… fall in love with someone who wants to know your favorite color and just how you like your coffee. Fall in love with someone who loves the way you laugh and would do absolutely anything to hear it. Fall in love with someone who puts their head on your chest just to hear your heart beat. Fall in love with someone who kisses you in public and is proud to show you off to anyone they know. Fall in love with someone who makes you question why you were afraid to fall in love in the first place. Fall in love with someone who would never ever want to hurt you. Fall in love with someone who falls in love with your flaws and thinks you are perfect just the way you are. Fall in love with someone who thinks that you are the ONE they would love to wake up to each day. 
