Popular jokes (23896 to 23910)

At the height of a political c...

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

 Knock Knock Collection 060

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Enid!
Enid who?
Enid some more pocket money!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Enoch!
Enoch who?
Enoch and Enoch but no one answers the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Esau!
Esau who?
Esau down the road!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ethan!
Ethan who?
Ethan me out of house and home you are!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Essen!
Essen who?
Essen it fun to listen to these jokes!

A guy meets a childhood pal. &...

A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.

"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.

"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."

After the telephone was instal...

After the telephone was installed in her home, the lady called the operator.
“My telephone cord is too long,” she said. “Would you please pull it a little from your end?”

Chemistry Song 08

Test Tubes Bubbling
(to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire")
Test tubes bubbling in a water bath
Strong smells nipping at ypur nose.
Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow
Will find it hard to be inert tonight.
They know that Chlorine's on its way
He's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh
And every student's slide rule is on the sly
To see if the teacher really can multiply.
And so I offer you this simple phrase
To chemistry students in this room
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry molecules to you.

Speedy comeback

The police officer got out of his car and the man who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

“I've been waiting for you all day,” the officer said.

The man replied, “Well, I got here as fast as I could.”

When the officer finally stopped laughing, he sent the man on his way without a ticket.

Celebrity jokes-Tomkat and Bragelina

“Apparently, there ar

“Apparently, there are now law groups forming around the cannabis industry. They are known as grass roots lawyers.”

 Answering Machine Message 217

(Strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.

It is said that looking into C...

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

Lightbulb Joke Collection 90

Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 15--One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.
Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What light bulb?
Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
Q: How many Reaganists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.
Q: How many election canvassers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They'd just go round telling everyone that it's time for a change but the only way this can come about is if everyone votes for "New lightbulb."
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's a military secret.

Intimate Cellmates

These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you."

Joe replied.

"Are you crazy?!!" Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?"

Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing."

Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River...

First Experience Horse Riding

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

The Making of a Gunfighter

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. ‘Do you think you could give me some tips?’ he asked.

Fire Engine Red

Why are fire engines red? Youd be red too if somebody picked up your hose and dragged it across the street!