Popular jokes (23881 to 23895)

Two dumb fishermen decided to ...

Two dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake. After fishing for hours at various spots and catching nothing, they decided to try one more time before calling it quits. Suddenly, fish started biting and they caught their limit inside of 20 minutes.

"Hey, we should mark this spot so next time we'll know where to fish," the first man told his buddy.

"Good idea," the second man replied, taking out a can of spray paint and making a large X on the floor of the boat.

"Why'd you do that?" his friend asked.

"Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish."

Redneck Custody

You might be a redneck if, your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan!

You might be a redneck if, you refuse to slide during a softball game because you don't want to crush your cigarettes!

You might be a redneck if, you're mowing your lawn and find a car.

You might be a redneck If, you were shooting pool when any of your children were born!

You might be a redneck if, you were conceived, born and taught on a pool table.

You might be a redneck if, the interviewer asks, '"Did you know that we are a Fortune 500 Company?'" And you answer, '"What track do y'all sponsor that race at? I ain't been to that one yet."

You might be a redneck If, you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog!

You are a redneck if your prom date is your brother, or if you went to the prom in your father's pickup truck!

You might be a Redneck if you use the same tree your dog does!

A man was driving and saw a tr

A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!" The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."

Governors mansion

Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Arkansas burned down?

Almost took out the whole trailer park.

The farmer met his kin at the ...

The farmer met his kin at the railroad station. “Uncle, I’m mighty glad to see you, he greeted. “That crate of chickens you sent me bust open just as I was going to take ‘em out and they ran all over the place. I chase ‘em through my neighbor’s yard and only got back eleven.” “You did okay,” said uncle. “I only sent you six.”

Buying Stamps for Hanukkah

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman replies, "Oh my. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

Microsoft Buys Church

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

A woman at a department store ...

A woman at a department store ask a clerk: Will you help me out, please?
“Certainly, just go through that door” replied the clerk.

The Sin

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of a church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

 Gift For A Birthday

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

“I was going to tell

“I was going to tell you a joke about infinity, but I can't find the end.”

Many environmentalists are als...

Many environmentalists are also writers. They have many litter rarely qualities.

Two ministers

Two ministers died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says," I'd like to get you in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to earth until it's ready, but you can go back as anything you want.

The first minister says, "I've always wanted to be a eagle soaring above our beautiful earth."

"And I have always wanted to be a stud!" said the second.

"So be it " says St. Peter and "POOF", the ministers disappear.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and St. peter asked his assistant to recall the two ministers.

"How will I find them?" the assistant askes.

"One is easy, he's soaring over the Grand Canyon right now" says St. Peter.

"The other may be tough to locate though, he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."

I foolishly mixed two food gro...

I foolishly mixed two food groups. The results were, at best, meaty yogurt.

Real Saddam Please stand up!

This is parody of eminem's song "Will the real Slim Shady plz stand up!" the saddam hussein version.

May I have your attention please?

Infidels,

May I have your attention please?

Will the real Saddam please stand up?

I repeat! Will the real Saddam please stand up?

We gonna have a problem here...

You all act like you've never seen a dictator before

Jaws all on the floor

Like Hitler and Stalin just walked in the door

I started terrorizing years before the 1st gulf war,

Now I plan to even the score

I've got so many body doubles, Its True! No Kidding!

I don't go to the streets. They All do my bidding.

And Chemical Ali said...

Nothin you Idiots, Chem Ali's dead. I'll find a replacement.

Yeah I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose

But it's no worse than what's going on in the U.S war room

Sometimes I wanna go on Al Jazeera and let loose, but can't

But it's OK for the U.S to destory my statues.

Osama's down with this. Osama's down with that.

And if he's lucky he might get weapons from Iraq.

And thats the reason why my regime got attacked.

If I react with chemicals, I'll sure get jacked!

Of course you're gonna bomb me and my forces

By the time you fly warplanes

I'll be in Tikrit sippin' on champagne.

And when you miss me, please don't start to complain.

You've got so many soldiers tearing up my terrain.

I am like cockroach cuz you can't kill me.

The guy you're bombing now isn't the real me.

My information minister goes on TV,

So he can say I wasn't found in the debris.

And there's a million of us just like me

Who dress like me, walk, talk, oppress like me

Mustache like me, a big piece of trash like me

And just might be a piece of sh*t, but not quite me!

I'm Saddam. Yes, I'm the real Saddam.

All you other Saddams can all kiss my bottom.

So won't the real Saddam please stand up?

Please stand up? Please stand up?