Popular jokes (23881 to 23895)

“How do trains drink?

“How do trains drink? They chug.”

Yo Mama Is So Stupid

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends

Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon

Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read

Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!

Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.

Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.

Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.

Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.

Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.

Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

Remote control...

The clerk asked me, "Cash, check or charge?" after ringing up my purchase.

As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote when you go shopping?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the best way to get even with him!"

Top Ten Shows on the New Gay C...

Top Ten Shows on the New Gay Cable Network

10. "Everybody loves Raymond....especially Steve."

9. "CSI: San Fransisco"

8. "Inside the actor's studio apartment in the West Village"

7. "Law and Order: Special Antiquing Unit"

6. "King of Queens"

5. "Desperate Houseboys"

4. "Stone Phillips-Unleashed"

3. "Malcolm in the Middle"

2. "My wife and kids....have no idea"

1. "Press the meat"

Business one-liners 62

If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.

If anything can go wrong, it will.

If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor.

If at first you don't succeed, cheat!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A New Hampshireman stops by a

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe forbreakfast. After paying the tab, he checkshis pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies.
As he strides toward the door, his waitressmuses, only half to herself: "You know, youcan tell a lot about a man by the tip heleaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting thebetter of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, whatdoes my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thriftyman." Barely able to conceal his pride, theman utters "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well,that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your fatherwas one, too."

My friend speared a midget in ...

My friend speared a midget in the eye with her new boobs. I guess that's what happens with imp-lants.

To impress his date, the young...

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said. "Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That"s the owner."

 Each Man Gives A Story

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

A doctor and a dentist fell in...

A doctor and a dentist fell in love with a same girl. One day, the dentist had to go abroad for one week to fulfill his work, so he gave the girl seven apples and asked her to eat one apple everyday.

Know why? An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

Answering Machine Message 240

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.

 Old Doc Geezer

Don't You Think....

Contributed by Harvey Beemer

Father: Don't you think our son gets his brains from me?

Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.
 

Three blondes were taking a wa...

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"
The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

My financial advisor warned me

My financial advisor warned me about Varsol. He said if I went near it I'd end up in solvent.

Biblical Babysitter

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David. He rocked Goliath into a very deep sleep.