Popular jokes (23911 to 23925)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A New Hampshireman stops by a
A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe forbreakfast. After paying the tab, he checkshis pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies.As he strides toward the door, his waitressmuses, only half to herself: "You know, youcan tell a lot about a man by the tip heleaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting thebetter of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, whatdoes my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thriftyman." Barely able to conceal his pride, theman utters "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well,that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your fatherwas one, too."
#joke
A Swiss man, looking for direc
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting."Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
#joke
Shortage Of Parachutes
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
#joke #blonde
Each Man Gives A Story
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
#joke #sport #exercise
A doctor and a dentist fell in...
A doctor and a dentist fell in love with a same girl. One day, the dentist had to go abroad for one week to fulfill his work, so he gave the girl seven apples and asked her to eat one apple everyday.Know why? An apple a day keeps the doctor away!
A man knows that shopping with...
A man knows that shopping with his girlfriend and her friends can be slow as mall lasses.#joke #short
Why did the teacher have to we...
Why did the teacher have to wear sunglasses?Because his pupils were so bright!
#joke #short
A candidate for Congress from
A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington."I am a practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse--in fact, I should like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can not do."
Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"
Did You Hear
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married...
A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
#joke #short
A visitor once asked, "Does it
A visitor once asked, "Does it ever rain in Arizona?"A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does. Do you remember in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."
"Well," the rancher puffed up, "We got about two and a half inches of that."
#joke
I love you
How to say....."I Love You"in Different Languages
English.........I Love You
Spanish........Te Amo
French.........Je T'aime
German........Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese......Ai Shite Imasu
Italian...........Ti Amo
Chinese........Wo Ai Ni
Swedish.......Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo.........Nagligivaget
Greek...........S'Agapo
Hawaiian.......Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish.............Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew.........Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian........Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian.......Une Te Dua
Finnish.........Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish.........Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian....Se Ret Lay
Persian........Du Stet Daram
Maltese........ien Inhobbok
Catalan........Testimo Molt
Redneck ......Nice Tits
#joke #redneck
“When the train condu
“When the train conductor got unfairly railroaded by his boss, his life immediately began going down the wrong track.”
#joke #short
Ponderings Collection 18
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
One on EVERY corner!
In the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.
"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."
At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. Using an emissions detector, they followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater.
"Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.
"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."
#joke
A young boy stopped by the cor...
A young boy stopped by the corner grocery store and read his list to the clerk: "10 pounds if sugar at $1.25 a pound; 4 pounds of coffee at $1.50 a pound; 2 pounds of butter at $1.10 a pound and 2 bars of soap at 83 cents each. How much does that come to?""Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents," replied the clerk.
"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?"
"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents."
"Thanks! That's my arithmetic homework for tomorrow."
