Popular jokes (23926 to 23940)

Six months...

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

Irishman declares war

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."

So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So

Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will."

"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"

Good weekend

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday, you may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave.

On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Tantilazing

Americans are taking on too mu...

Americans are taking on too much debt, and it's putting kinks in the economy. They love state-owe-masochism, getting fiscaled, bondage, and other stimulus measures. This is why they are being punished on the S&M 500.

Knock Knock Collection 107

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juno!
Juno who!
Juno what time it is!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jupiter!
Jupiter who!
Jupiter fly in my soup!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jussi!
Jussi who!
Jussi fruit!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Justice!
Justice who!
Justice as I thought, no one home!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Justin time for tea!

 Business One-liners 120

Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, because nobody listens.
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Mason's First Law of Synergism: The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
May's Law: The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)

Solving A Problem

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Really funny jokes-Potato family

Lightbulb Joke Collection 06

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she is familiar with.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the problem to the previous question.
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since statisticians are not normal.
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.
Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with the yuppies.

Not Enough Allowance

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their
wives went along as their caddies.
While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's three pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."

Watermelons

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"

An aspiring actor calls his ag

An aspiring actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career. “How’s it going?” the agent asks. “It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider two films with me.” “Two?” he agent replies. “Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

Giving Very Odd Excuses

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

 A Tight Travel Budget

All workers please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy.
Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Headquarters
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines
Date: June 16, 2000
Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.
Transportation
If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips.
Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives should be exploited.
Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.
Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and "Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner.
Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of, indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially valuable to employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever group.
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.
Entertainment
Entertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.
Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.
Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

An acupuncturist kee...

“An acupuncturist keeps you on pins and needles.”