Popular jokes (23941 to 23955)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
I'm your best friend!
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"
A man was looking to hire a dr...
A man was looking to hire a driver for a bus tour business. Three men applied for the job.He calls one into his office to interview him. The man says that he can put the wheels right on the edge of a bridge, drive, and not fall off. The employer is very impressed.
He calls another man in. This man says that he can put the wheels halfway off of a bridge, drive, and not fall off. The employer is again very impressed.
He calls the last man in. He says, "I heard what the other two guys said, and I don't think I could match them. I usually drive in the middle of a bridge."
The key...
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in seven years."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
The Good, The Bad & The ...
The Good, The Bad & The UglyGood: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections!
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He is wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
Two men, moderately proficient...
Two men, moderately proficient in Yiddish, were lamenting the fact that there are Yiddish expressions that you can't translate well into English. Furthermore, there were some English words that cannot not be easily translated into Yiddish. One man said to the other, I have difficulty finding a Yiddish word that adequately conveys the concept of of the English word "disappointed." His friend said, "My mother speaks only Yiddish. I'll find out from her how to say disappointed in Yiddish."The man goes to his mother's house and say's "Mama, you know that I always come over for Shabbos dinner every Friday night. How would you feel if, one Friday, I called and said I wouldn't be coming over for Shabbos?"
The mother replied, "Oy! Ich'll zein zayer disappointed!"
A blonde woman decides that sh...
A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."Sense of Direction
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
A little boy comes down to bre...
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores."Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
A man shows up for his doctor'...
A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." Whereupon the doctor replied," Perhaps you're not eating right."In court
The following questions from attorneys were taken from official court records.
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A. He said, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q. Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q. I show you exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A. That's me.
Q. Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Do you know how far along in your pregnancy you are now?
A. I'll be three months on October 16.
Q. Apparently, then, the date of conception was July 16.
A. Yes.
Q.: What were you doing at that time?
So you were gone until you returned?
Q. She had three children, right?
A. Yes.
Q. How many were boys?
A. None.
Q. Were there girls?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q. You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A. Yes.
Q. And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q. Have you lived in this town all your life?
A. Not yet.
An attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.”
Source: MarriageJokes.com
A woman went to the doctor's
A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the firstdoctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
