Popular jokes (23941 to 23955)

 Business One-liners 120

Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, because nobody listens.
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Mason's First Law of Synergism: The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
May's Law: The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)

Procreation is crazy, aka a ...

Procreation is crazy, aka a zygotic episode.

There's a lot to be said abou

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.
The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

What is the longest word in th

What is the longest word in the English language? SMILES - There is a mile between the first and last letters!

Not Enough Allowance

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their
wives went along as their caddies.
While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's three pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."

Knock Knock Collection 141

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you even going to open the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange juice!
Orange juice who?
Orange juice going to talk to me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orson!
Orson who?
Orson around again!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orson!
Orson who?
Orson buggy is about your speed!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Osborn!
Osborn who?
Osborn today - it's my birthday!

Signs And Notices 13

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
Sign at fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"
Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
Sign from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
Sign in an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
Sign in a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

“I didn't smoke the

“I didn't smoke the weed, it was just a toke in gesture.”

Lost

A drunk man was walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth.

A policeman came up to him and asked, “Sir, what are you doing?”

The drunk replied, “I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys.”

The police officer said, “Sir, do you know your zipper is down?”

The drunk replied, “Damn, I lost my wife too!”

Do You Know Me?

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness

to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He

approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've

known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've

been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your

wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their

backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't

the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more

than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he

pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you

know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley

since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his

parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me.

He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't

build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice

is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know

him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and

called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice,

he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows

me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Grass Sandwich

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

Vegetarian - Defined

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter

R.I.P. Seamus

This joke is really just an excuse to use a ridiculous Irish accent.

Mary Mcready was at home boiling potatoes for dinner, and one of her neighbors came up to the window.

"Mary," he said, "I've got horrible news about your husband Seamus. He's dead."

"Oh lord, my Seamus, how did it happen?" said Mary.

"Well," the neighbor said, "we went on a tour of the Guinness brewery, and Seamus fell into one of the vats and drowned".

"Did he at least go quickly?" asked Mary, looking for some degree of solace.

"I'm afraid not, Mary. He got out three times to pee"

"While speaking to conser...

"While speaking to conservationists this week, Dick Cheney made it clear that he plans to deal with the rising gas prices by drilling in our federal wildlife refuge in Alaska. Cheney tried to sway his opponents saying trust me, there's enough oil up there to last us the rest of my natural life." -- Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

You can't win a fight wi

You can't win a fight with Monsanto. You just have to agri.