Popular jokes (241 to 255)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Peanut butter puns
I don't think any would stick. I shouldn't be spreading such bad puns and drive everyone nuts. Any one butter than me?
Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter? I`m not teling you. You might spread it!
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? Because she`s nuts!
How is a dumb blonde like peanut butter? They spread for the bread.
I told my girlfriend I was breaking up with her because she had peanut butter legs. She asked, "What do you mean?" I said, "Your legs are nice and smooth and easy to spread like peanut butter."
What`s the feepng you get after popshing a peanut? Post nut clarity.
Why are peanuts afraid of going out? They`re afraid of getting a-salted.
When can peanuts laugh? When you crack them up!
What kind of sandwiches do sharks eat? Peanut butter and Jellyfish
Where do peanut drivers go to fill their tanks? The Shell station!
What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit? An astro-nut!
What did applesauce say to peanut butter? You`re Nutty!
Photo by Corleto Peanut butter on Unsplash
Paint my house
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
No Tobacco Day jokes
The annual World No Tobacco Day campaign (31 May) is an opportunity to raise awareness on the harmful and deadly effects of tobacco use. Raise awareness with these jokes.
The bus driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars.
Suddenly, a baby starts crying.
"Come on kid," the bus driver said "you're only 6 months old, you can make it without a cigarette."
Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes?
To get a breath of filtered air.
Why don't vampires like to smoke?
They always end up coffin.
A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12-year-old holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.
The sales guy is stunned and asks,
"Is your dad home?"
The kid replies,
"What do you think?"
"You know, lady, you don't actually smoke.
The cigarette does all the smoking, you are just the sucker!"
I want to open a Christian tobacco store.
I'm going to call it Holy Smokes.
My best friend tried to hide his drug dealing through a fake tobacco company and glass manufacturer.
It was all just smoke and mirrors.
Tobacco companies kill their best customers
And condom companies kill their future customers.
Smoking cigarettes helps the environment...
...because it kills humans.
What’s another name for time off from work to have a smoke?
Taking a coughy break .
Unputdownable Laughs: Jokes for Book Lovers Guaranteed to Elicit Giggles
Short book Jokes
A book fell on my head.
I can only blame my shelf.
I found a foolproof way to avoid sunburns.
It’s called ‘stay inside all day and read.’
I’ve spent all day reading.
It was bound to happen.
My TBR pile is out of control:
I have no shelf control.
After watching me read War and Peace, my son asked me,
“Dad, why is your book so thick?”
I said, “Well, it’s a long story.”
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can’t put it down.
It’s so easy to get lost in a book about mazes.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy books, and that’s practically the same thing.
That book about Mt. Everest
had quite a cliffhanger.
Dystopian novels
are so 1984.
Never read Fitzgerald?
You Gatsby kidding me!
I got my friend to read Jane Austen.
She just needed a little Persuasion.
Have you heard about Waldo? He went abroad and found himself.
ISBN thinking about you.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
Did you hear about the author in jail?
They put him in the writer’s block.
Couldn’t get past his first sentence.
Witches are the best editors because they always run spell-check.
I’ve written a book about falling down a staircase.
It’s a step-by-step guide.
Talk wordy to me.
Q/A Book Jokes
Q: Why are books so afraid of their sequels?
A: Because they always come after them.
Q: Why do bookworms break up?
A: Because they’re not on the same page.
Q: Why are books so brave?
A: They have the spine for it.
Q: What do you call 2,000 mockingbirds?
A: Two kilo mockingbird.
Q: Why did the kid always sit in his wardrobe when reading a book?
A: Narnia business!
Q: What is Bigfoot’s favorite book?
A: Hairy Potter.
Q: What did the librarian say to someone who checked out over 100 books?
A: “Are you sure you want to borrow all those books? You don’t want to overdue it.”
Q: Why did Dracula go to the library?
A: He wanted to sink his teeth into a good book.
Q: Why can’t you go to the world’s biggest library?
A: It’s always overbooked.
Q: How do libraries make sure novels stay warm?
A: They give them book jackets.
Q: Why was the library so tall?
A: Because it had a lot of stories.
Q: Why are writers always cold?
A: Because they’re surrounded by drafts.
Q: What is the spookiest kind of author?
A: A ghostwriter.
50/50
A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him.
The young man felt sorry for them and asked "I'm sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don't have to split your food?"
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we've been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50."
The young man said, "Wow! That's commendable." He then turned to the wife and asked, "Aren't you going to eat your share?"
The wife replied "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."
Cat Scan
A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
25 jokes that blend well with coffee
A customer walks into a coffee shop. She asks the barista, “How much for a cup of coffee?”
The barista points to the menu and says, “Five dollars for a cup of coffee and refills are free.”
The customer responds, “Thanks. I’ll have a refill.”
Don’t ever let anyone tell you fairy tales aren’t real. I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans that brings me back to life.
Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror.
Q: What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
A: A mugging!
Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
A: Because he was pressed for time.
Q: What did the coffee addict name her cats?
A: Cream and Sugar.
Q: What did the coffee say about its late assignment?
A: Better latte than never!
Q: What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A: A depresso
Q: What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee?
A: Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Q: How are coffee beans like teenagers?
A: They are always getting grounded.
Q: What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
A: Déjà brew.
Thanks a latte for me being my friend
You mocha me very happy.
You’re brew-ti-ful.
A woman walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under her arm. At the counter she says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”
There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.
If you replace your morning coffee with green tea ….You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you feel in the morning.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.
Coffee and I are the perfect blend.
If the coffee is decaf, we’re gonna have a latte problems.
A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The blonde says, “You have a drink named Susan?”
Procaffeinating (n). – the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had your coffee.
I like my men like I like my coffee…Tall, dark and rich
My Hearing
After completing his annual physical on a patient, the doctor asked if there was anything that was bothering him. Joe replied, "Yeah, my hearing."
The doctor examined Joe's ear and removed some ear wax. He then asked Joe if his hearing was better.
Joe said, "I don't know, the hearing isn't till next Tuesday."
Missing Taxi Driver
Magistrate: "What was he doing when you arrested him?"
Policeman: "He was arguing with a taxi driver, Your Honor."
Magistrate: "That is no proof he was drunk."
Policeman: "Well, Your Honor, there was no taxi driver there."
World Cotton Day Jokes
On 7th October it's World Cotton Day! Let's have some cotton-themed humor:
I’m allergic to cotton
I would take medicine for it, but I can’t get it out of the bottle
I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist
They said it wasn’t fair
My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...
...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point."
"Why is that cotton candy talking?"
"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj"
Scientists have created a cotton plant resistant to boll weevils.
When asked about it, they replied, "It's unbollweevible."
I Need A Raise
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.
My boss asked, "What companies?"
I replied, "Gas, water, and electricity."
When I was 14, all I wanted wa...
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
At 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.
Caught Stealing Groceries
I saw a man stealing groceries the other day while on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
He got charged with shoplifting on two counts.
