Popular jokes (241 to 255)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Ex-wife jokes
my ex-wife still misses me
but her aim is getting better!
i tried to remarry my ex wife
she figured I was only after my money
I swapped my wife's lipstick with super glue
She's still not talking to me
Christmas tree and an iPad
Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple.
8 new jokes for Happy Friday
1. A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him.
I know the drill.
2. Never fall in love with a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
3. Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
4. 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants
Now they're tenants
5. What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?
An Uber.
6. How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They know what grams are.
7. A man sees his buddy carrying a box.
"What's that?" he ask.
"Oh, I got a case of beer for my wife."
Man nods sagely, "Good trade."
8. Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!
4. 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants
Now they're tenants
5. What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?
An Uber.
6. How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They know what grams are.
7. A man sees his buddy carrying a box.
"What's that?" he ask.
"Oh, I got a case of beer for my wife."
Man nods sagely, "Good trade."
8. Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!
No Tobacco Day jokes
The annual World No Tobacco Day campaign (31 May) is an opportunity to raise awareness on the harmful and deadly effects of tobacco use. Raise awareness with these jokes.
The bus driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars.
Suddenly, a baby starts crying.
"Come on kid," the bus driver said "you're only 6 months old, you can make it without a cigarette."
Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes?
To get a breath of filtered air.
Why don't vampires like to smoke?
They always end up coffin.
A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12-year-old holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.
The sales guy is stunned and asks,
"Is your dad home?"
The kid replies,
"What do you think?"
"You know, lady, you don't actually smoke.
The cigarette does all the smoking, you are just the sucker!"
I want to open a Christian tobacco store.
I'm going to call it Holy Smokes.
My best friend tried to hide his drug dealing through a fake tobacco company and glass manufacturer.
It was all just smoke and mirrors.
Tobacco companies kill their best customers
And condom companies kill their future customers.
Smoking cigarettes helps the environment...
...because it kills humans.
What’s another name for time off from work to have a smoke?
Taking a coughy break .
World Hypertension Day jokes
World Hypertension Day is observed every May 17th in order to raise awareness and promote hypertension prevention, detection and control. Raise awareness with these jokes.
Why did the skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?
He was taking everything with a grain of salt.
My doctor just prescribed me blood pressure medication
it was a tough pill to swallow
Russian health tips
-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds Vodka. "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness....
A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting all of the bed charts.
A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.
"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"
Ignoring the doctor again, the man then begins to take everyone's blood and starts processing it through the hospital's examination equipment.
"Right!" Shouts the doctor. "Now you're testing my patients!"
Circle Flies
An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."
"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."
20 Best dad jokes of all time
The funniest dad jokes ever told.
This 20 are voted as The best Dad jokes ever told but you can find also more Jokes for Father's Day to share with your father.
1. This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
3. Dad, can you put my shoes on?
No, I don't think they'll fit me.
4. I used to hate facial hair…
but then it grew on me.
5. Can you put the cat out?
I didn't know it was on fire.
6. Wife said are you ever going stop singing Wonderwall.
I said maybe…
7. Ah, this takes me back when
putting the car into reverse.
8. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
9. What do you call a magician who lost their magic?
Ian.
10. How do I look?
With your eyes.
11. Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut!
12. I'm afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.
13. Wanna hear a joke about a pizza?
Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
14. I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey,
but I turned myself around.
15. I am terrified of lifts.
I'm going to take steps to avoid them.
16. What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner.
17. I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
18. How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
19. Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
20. Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.
The Accident That's About to Happen
Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.
Wife: Who is Sabrina?
Cat Scan
A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when ...
I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."
25 jokes that blend well with coffee
A customer walks into a coffee shop. She asks the barista, “How much for a cup of coffee?”
The barista points to the menu and says, “Five dollars for a cup of coffee and refills are free.”
The customer responds, “Thanks. I’ll have a refill.”
Don’t ever let anyone tell you fairy tales aren’t real. I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans that brings me back to life.
Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror.
Q: What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
A: A mugging!
Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
A: Because he was pressed for time.
Q: What did the coffee addict name her cats?
A: Cream and Sugar.
Q: What did the coffee say about its late assignment?
A: Better latte than never!
Q: What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A: A depresso
Q: What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee?
A: Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Q: How are coffee beans like teenagers?
A: They are always getting grounded.
Q: What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
A: Déjà brew.
Thanks a latte for me being my friend
You mocha me very happy.
You’re brew-ti-ful.
A woman walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under her arm. At the counter she says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”
There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.
If you replace your morning coffee with green tea ….You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you feel in the morning.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.
Coffee and I are the perfect blend.
If the coffee is decaf, we’re gonna have a latte problems.
A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The blonde says, “You have a drink named Susan?”
Procaffeinating (n). – the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had your coffee.
I like my men like I like my coffee…Tall, dark and rich
23 'What do you call' Jokes to start week with some laugh
1. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny
2. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic
3. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff
4. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
5. What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso!
6. What do you call a dinosaur with a bandage on?
Dino-sore.
7. What do you call an old snowman?
Water
8. What do you call something that’s easy to get into, but hard to get out of?
Trouble
9. What do you call a woman with a screwdriver in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors between the toes on her left foot, and a corkscrew between the toes on her right foot?
A Swiss Army wife
10. What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran
11. What do you call the wife of a hippie?
A Mississippi!
12. What do you call a meditating wolf?
Aware wolf!
13. What do you call an American bee?
A USB!
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!
15. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URL-ologist
16. What do you call a destroyed angle?
A rect-angle!
17. What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto!
18. What do you call the security guards who work for Samsung?
The Guardians of the Galaxy
19. What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law!
20. What do you call a woman with her briefcase stuck in a tree?
A branch manager!
21. What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud!
22. What do you call a man wearing a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time!
23. What do you call your daughter’s boyfriend when he brings her home late?
An ambulance
Pee in the pool....
Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," insisted Little Johnny.
"That may be," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
Golf on Christmas...
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early on Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I patted my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'Take your sweater, looks like it might be windy out there'."
