Popular jokes (241 to 255)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
The Trouser Snake
=> NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake) => LOCATION: Throughout the world=> DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.
=> SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!
=> HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
=> ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
=> WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
=> CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
Why I spoke so softly in the house?
My wife asked why I spoke so softly in the house.I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Author SandipGarg.
NOTE:Many sharing this joke, but SandipGarg's tweet is the oldest post I found.
That wife of mine is a liar
That wife of mine is a liar said the angry husband to a sympathetic palseated next to him in the bar."How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'dbeen, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
April Fools’ Day Jokes - prank or get pranked
April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of which animal?
The silly goose!
April Fools’ Day is a great day to pull pranks.
Except on me, if you’re smart.
Believe nothing and trust no one this April Fools’ Day.
So it’s just like any other day.
You are here for pranks, not jokes? Check some classic April Fools’ pranks on our April Fools’ archives page
Excuse me, sir. Do you think they named April Fools’ Day in your honor?
How is April Fools’ Day like a huge open mic night?
Millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
I’m going to pull an April Fools’ Day prank on my landlord by not paying rent.
Just kidding—rent isn’t due today!
Joke’s on you, April Fools’ Day.
I can be fooled any day of the year.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good April Fools' joke?
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just an April Fools' joke.
Who needs April Fools’ Day when your whole life is a joke?
April fools.
Who needs a day for the fools?
I’m surrounded by them all year.
Why can April jump so high?
It’s spring!
Why should you avoid the stairs on April Fools' Day?
Because they're always up to something.
Why shouldn't you tell ducks jokes on April Fools' Day?
They'll quack up.
Why was everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.
Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.
What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.
What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.
What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.
What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
What do you call an overflowing toilet on April Fools' Day?
A septic prank.
What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.
What do you call a stepladder’s favorite holiday?
April Stools’ Day.
What do you call an open-toad's favorite holiday?
April Fools’ Day.
What do you call an umbrella's favorite holiday?
April Showers Day.
Some April Fools’ Day pranks never get old!
Check these Pranks you can play on people to make this one of the best April Fools’ Days ever!
What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.
What did April Fools’ Day say after it won an award?
Prank you very much!
What did the calendar say after April Fools' was declared a holiday?
"Prank you, prank you very much."
What did you say when it’s raining chickens and ducks on April Fools’ Day?
It’s fowl spring weather.
What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.
What's the April Fool’s lucky card in the deck?
The Joker.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fools’ Day?
On one you’re thankful, and on the other you’re prankful.
Why do omelettes love April Fools' Day?
They enjoy practical yolks.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.
Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.
You should know that no one understood it was an April Fools’ joke.
No one expected you to have a sense of humor.
Bear Hunting
A hunter ventures into the forest to hunt a bear, armed with his trusty 22-gauge rifle. After some time, he spots an enormous bear, takes aim, and fires. The smoke clears, but the bear has vanished.
Moments later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "Nobody shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two options: I can tear out your throat and eat you, or you can drop your pants, bend over, and I'll do as I please." The hunter, fearing death, drops his pants and bends over, allowing the bear to do as he said.
Once the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his pants and hobbles back into town, bow-legged and furious. He purchases a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He spots the same bear, takes aim, and fires. The smoke clears, and the bear is gone.
The bear taps the hunter on the shoulder once more and says, "You know the drill." Humiliated, the hunter pulls up his pants, drags himself back to town, and buys a bazooka. Now seething with rage, he returns to the forest, spots the bear, aims, and fires. The blast from the bazooka sends him sprawling onto his back.
As the smoke clears, the bear looms over him and says, "This isn't really about hunting for you, is it?"
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased...
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.
I think my family might be racist
I think my family might be racist.I brought my new asian girlfriend home to meet my family and i couldn't believe how rude my wife and kids were to her.
Bills To Pay
A man asked me for a dollar.
I told him I only carry big bills.
He said give him one of those.
So I gave him my electric bill.
Chihuahua at the vets
A man brings his Chihuahua to the vet.They’re immediately taken to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in sniffs the Chihuahua, and leaves.
Then a cat comes in, stares at the dog, and leaves.
Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine, and hands the man a $250 bill.
"This must be a mistake," the man says.
"I’ve only been here 20 minutes!"
"No mistake," the doctor says.
"It’s $100 for the Lab test,
$100 for the cat scan,
and $50 for the medicine."
Short jokes to start weekend with laughs
My fiancé and I wanted to get married at the public library.
But they told us it was all booked up!
I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong.
I mean it's not rocket surgery!
My son picked his nose and wiped it on me.
He said it was funny. I told him it was snot.
I tried to order some tennis balls online but the site keeps crashing…
I guess the server must be down!
My wife told our son not to play with electricity.
Now he’s grounded.
A six-year-old boy asks his dad to take him to McDonald's...
A six-year-old boy asks his dad to take him to McDonald's, but the dad is not interested, so he says, 'Only if you can spell the name of the restaurant.' The boy tries but fails.The next day, he asks again, 'Can we go to Burger King?' But once more, his dad asks him to spell the name before they go, and boy tries again without success.
On the third day, the boy comes home eagerly from school and says, 'Dad, can we eat out tonight, please? Can we go to KFC?'"
(original joke told to me by my 10 year old son)
Do It When You Can
If you want to change the world, do it when you are single!
Once you' re married, you can't even change the TV channel.
Where I Come From
"Those are fighting words where I come from!"
"Well, then why don't you fight?!?!"
"Cause I ain't where I come from!"
