Popular jokes (241 to 255)

Stand outside

I'm gonna go stand outside,

so if anybody asks you can just say i'am outstanding.

Photo by Jay Sadoff on Unsplash

Pee in the pool....

Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," insisted Little Johnny.

"That may be," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

Boy Scout on the plane

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also.

The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said "Not to worry, Preacher. 'The smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my back pack."

Use this one yourself

3 top surgeons are sitting in a bar in _fill_in_your_city_.
One triumphantly says: “man, I still can’t believe it. Today a man came into the hospital ER with his hand completely cut off and we were able to put it all back together and his hand is fully functional.”
The second one says: “dude, that’s nothing… yesterday a woman came in with her entire leg amputated, carrying the leg under her arm. We stitched her back together and she walked right out of the hospital.
The third one, stares a bit.. then says: “pfft, bunch of losers, last week the police found an enormous humongous d*ck besides the road, they brought it in. We found a couple of arms and legs and stitched them to the sides. Sort of functional again, we gave him a name and he even found a job.”
“No way”, the others said.
The third says: oh yea, _fill_in_co-workers_name_, now works at _fill_in_company_name_ as _fill_in_job/function/position_.

God's Other Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her second graders if anyone knew another name for God. She was picturing answers like 'Lord' or 'Almighty'.After a long moment of silence a little boy raised his hand and said, "Howard." "Howard?" replied the confused teacher. "You know," continued the boy, "Howard be thy name."

My therapist said to write letters to people ...

My therapist said to write letters to people I hate and then burn them.

I did that but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

When We Were Kids

It was different when we were kids.
In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts...
To make ashtrays for Mother's Day.

14 Jokes to brighten your day

A termite walks into a bar and asks
- Is the bar tender here?

What do you call a caveman's fart?
A blast from the past.

I was having a bad day, and my friend said,
'At least you're not stuck in a hole in the ground full of water.'
I knew he meant well.

A guy walks into a doctor's office, butt ass naked, but wrapped head-to-toe in cellophane.
The doctor takes one look at the guy and says,
'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'

- Why couldn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?'
- Because he was too far out, man.

The chicken and the egg are in bed.
The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette, and the egg says,
'Well, I guess that answers *that* question.'

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Why don't anteaters ever get sick?
Because they are full of little anty-bodies.

A tire thief is at large ...
and the police are working tirelessly to catch him.

A man went to see his doctor and the doctor said to him,
'I have some bad news and some worse news for you.'
So the man asks, 'OK, so what’s the bad news?'
The doctor says, 'You only have 24 hours to live.'
The man, obviously shocked by this, says, 'Oh my god, that’s terrible!'
Then he says, 'Wait a minute — what’s the worse news?'
Doctor: 'I should have told you yesterday.'

Two men are standing by the roadside when a tractor drives past.
The driver is ranting and shouting, 'The end of the world is nigh!'
One guy says, 'Oh no, we’re all gonna die, what shall we do?'
His friend replies, 'Don’t worry about him, that’s just Farmer Geddon!'

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.

How do ghosts go through locked doors?
AWith a skeleton key!

What did the zero say to the eight?
'Nice belt.'

Pig In A Bar

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

A man is transporting a coffin when his car breaks down...

A man is transporting a coffin when his car breaks down.

He pulls over and after messing about with the engine trying to fix it, covering himself in oils and grime, he calls for a mechanic, they tell him they can come in just under an hour to asses the situation.

Dismayed, he also calls his boss to let him know what has happened. His boss informs him that the destination of delivery is simply up the road and asks him to carry the coffin the rest of the way. Upset but recognising the fact that he has nothing better to do, he picks up the coffin and starts dragging it with him up the road. A police officer sees this and approaches him, asking "what are you doing with that coffin? Where are you going?".

Already upset with the situation, the man responds, "I didn't like where they buried me, so I'm moving!"

29 Halloween Jokes to make you laugh hard

Halloween Q/A Jokes

1. Q: Why don't skeletons like Halloween candy?
A: They don't have the stomach for it.
2. Q: Where do spiders do their Halloween shopping?
A: On the web.
3. Q: Who's in charge of the candy corn?
A: The kernel.
4. Q: Why didn't anyone want to go trick or treating with Dracula?
A: Because he’s a pain in the neck!
5. Q: What do birds give to trick or treaters?
A: Tweets.
6. Q: What do witches put on to go trick or treating?
A: Mas-scare-a.
7. Q: What did one piece of hard candy say to the other after it helped it escape from being eaten?
A: “Thanks! You're a real lifesaver.”
8. Q: What type of plants like Halloween the most?
A: Bam-Boo
9. Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no body to go with.
10. Q: What did the skeleton bring to the dinner party?
A: Spare-ribs.

Get more of holiday fun ideas at our Halloween Jokes.

11. Q: Why do skeletons love to drink milk?
A: It's good for the bones.
12. Q: What is a skeleton's favorite snack?
A: A cinnabone.
13. Q: What do you call a fat jack-o-lantern?
A: A plumpkin
14. Q: Who rules the pumpkin patch?
A: The pump-king.

Pumpkin Jokes are importan part of Halloween, but also part of many Thanksgiving Jokes.

15. Q: How does a pumpkin listen to Halloween music?
A: On vine-yl.
16. Q: What to ghosts add to their morning cereal?
A: Booberries
17. Q: What is a ghost's favorite kind of drink?
A: Ghoul-aid.
18. Q: What does a ghost put on his turkey?
A: Grave-y.
19. Q: What kind of cereal does a ghost have for breakfast?
A: Rice Creepies
20. Q: Where do ghosts shop for all of their meals?
A: The ghostery store.
21. Q: Why do witches wear name tags?
A: To tell which witch is which.
22. Q: What do witches study in school?
A: Spelling.
23. Q: Why did the angry witch leave her broom at home?
A: She didn’t want to fly off the handle.
24. Q: Where do witches park?
A: In the broom closet.

Halloween Knock, Knock Jokes

25. Knock, Knock!
Who's there? Orange.
Orange who? Orange you glad it's Halloween.
26. Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who? Don't cry, it's only Halloween.
27. Knock, knock!
Who’s there? Al.
Al who? Al go home after trick-or-treating.
28. Knock, Knock!
Who's there? Witch.
Witch who? Witch one of you has the candy?

Halloween Statement Jokes

29. Did you hear about the gloomy jack-o'-lantern? It needed to lighten up.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit...

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Guy with a cat wins the lottery

So he gets extended leave from his job, packs his things and buys a ticket for South America. Problem is, he needs someone to take care of his cat. So he calls a friend.

"Hey John, I need you to take care of my cat for 3 months".

"Three months?!"

"Yeah, but don't worry, all you need to do is feed her a 3 times a day, change her sand, play with her a bit and, god forbid, take her to the vet if she needs anything".

"Damn, so... what if she..."

"I have a plan for that too. Call me and say-"

"That she died?"

"No! Heavens no! I could not take that! You need to let me down easy. Just call me and tell me she climbed on the roof".

"On the roof?"

"Well... then tell me everything is fine. Remember: let me down easy! So say 'The fire department came and is trying to get her down, but all is good, no worries'".

"Okay?"

"After 20 minutes, call me and say 'She fell off the roof but she is fine. I'm taking her to the vet just in case. All is good, no worries'". "THEN, after an hour call me and say 'The doctor says she is fine other than a broken rib, so we'll run a few tests. All is good, no worries.'" "When 30 minutes pass, call me and say 'She needed surgery, her rib caused some bleeding, but she is recovering nicely. I'll talk to you when we get home. All is good, no worries'".

"Oh boy, are you-"

"Then wait for 30 minutes, call me and say 'Hey man, I don't know how to say this but, she didn't make it. I'm so sorry'".

"Dude, are you done? I got it. If your cat dies, I'll let you down easy. No worries".

The man says goodbye to his cat and leaves. Upon arriving in South America, he gets a call from John. Visibly worried, he answers "What is it, is my cat okay!?"

"What? Yeah, she's fine."

"Really? Do you mean that?"

"Yeah man, all is good. No worries. It's just that... Your mother climbed on the roof."

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro rol...

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro roll up to an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, halts them and sternly declares, "It's illegal to cram five people into a Quattro. 'Quattro' means four."
The Englishman, incredulous, retorts, "Quattro is just the name of the car! Check the papers: it's designed for five."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You've got five folks in there; it's against the law."
The Englishman, now irate, demands, "Get your supervisor! I need someone with more intelligence!"
Paddy quips back, "Sorry, Murphy's tied up with two blokes in a Fiat Uno.

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