Popular jokes (226 to 240)

Jokes about Mexicans to celebrate Cinco de Mayo

Cinco de Mayo, (Spanish: “Fifth of May”), also called Anniversary of the Battle of Puebla is holiday celebrated in parts of Mexico and the United States

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto!

What do you call a Mexican with a lowered car?
Carlos!

What do you call a Mexican drowning in mayonnaise?
Sinko De Mayo.

What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?
Cuatro, sink-o.

What do you call a mexican with a bottle of vermouth?
A dry Martinez.

What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer?
Arriba McEntire.

What do you call two mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three?
Because there is no tres-passing.

Why did the Mexican sign up for Tinder?
For a Juan night stand.

What do you call a Mexican jedi apprentice?
Pada Juan.

My Hearing

After completing his annual physical on a patient, the doctor asked if there was anything that was bothering him. Joe replied, "Yeah, my hearing."
The doctor examined Joe's ear and removed some ear wax. He then asked Joe if his hearing was better.
Joe said, "I don't know, the hearing isn't till next Tuesday."

Bills To Pay

A man asked me for a dollar.
I told him I only carry big bills.
He said give him one of those.
So I gave him my electric bill.

Light and hard

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can sleep with a light on.

Missing Taxi Driver

Magistrate: "What was he doing when you arrested him?"
Policeman: "He was arguing with a taxi driver, Your Honor."
Magistrate: "That is no proof he was drunk."
Policeman: "Well, Your Honor, there was no taxi driver there."

Corn maze for ...

I Need A Raise

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.
My boss asked, "What companies?"
I replied, "Gas, water, and electricity."

The Trouser Snake

=> DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

=> SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

=> HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

=> ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

=> WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

=> CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

Paint my house

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

Ham Dinner

My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.
"Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."

We Need A Doctor

A girl was walking on the side walk. She sees a man lying on the street, needing immediate help. The victim says that he is having a heart attack. The girl asks people around the street. And a man approached.
Girl: Help, are you a doctor?
Man: I am a doctor. What’s going on?
Girl: A Heart Attack!
Man: I am doctor in mathematics.
Girl: He is going to die.
Man: Prove it!

World Cotton Day Jokes

On 7th October it's World Cotton Day! Let's have some cotton-themed humor:

I’m allergic to cotton
I would take medicine for it, but I can’t get it out of the bottle

I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist
They said it wasn’t fair

My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...
...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point."

"Why is that cotton candy talking?"
"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj"

Scientists have created a cotton plant resistant to boll weevils.
When asked about it, they replied, "It's unbollweevible."

Pearly gates

After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl.

I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy, 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.

As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.

Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

Unputdownable Laughs: Jokes for Book Lovers Guaranteed to Elicit Giggles

Short book Jokes

A book fell on my head.
I can only blame my shelf.

I found a foolproof way to avoid sunburns.
It’s called ‘stay inside all day and read.’

I’ve spent all day reading.
It was bound to happen.

My TBR pile is out of control:
I have no shelf control.

After watching me read War and Peace, my son asked me,
“Dad, why is your book so thick?”
I said, “Well, it’s a long story.”

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can’t put it down.

It’s so easy to get lost in a book about mazes.
I like big books and I cannot lie.

You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy books, and that’s practically the same thing.

That book about Mt. Everest
had quite a cliffhanger.

Dystopian novels
are so 1984.

Never read Fitzgerald?
You Gatsby kidding me!

I got my friend to read Jane Austen.
She just needed a little Persuasion.

Have you heard about Waldo? He went abroad and found himself.

ISBN thinking about you.

Past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.

Did you hear about the author in jail?
They put him in the writer’s block.
Couldn’t get past his first sentence.

Witches are the best editors because they always run spell-check.

I’ve written a book about falling down a staircase.
It’s a step-by-step guide.

Talk wordy to me.

Q/A Book Jokes

Q: Why are books so afraid of their sequels?
A: Because they always come after them.

Q: Why do bookworms break up?
A: Because they’re not on the same page.

Q: Why are books so brave?
A: They have the spine for it.

Q: What do you call 2,000 mockingbirds?
A: Two kilo mockingbird.

Q: Why did the kid always sit in his wardrobe when reading a book?
A: Narnia business!

Q: What is Bigfoot’s favorite book?
A: Hairy Potter.

Q: What did the librarian say to someone who checked out over 100 books?
A: “Are you sure you want to borrow all those books? You don’t want to overdue it.”

Q: Why did Dracula go to the library?
A: He wanted to sink his teeth into a good book.

Q: Why can’t you go to the world’s biggest library?
A: It’s always overbooked.

Q: How do libraries make sure novels stay warm?
A: They give them book jackets.

Q: Why was the library so tall?
A: Because it had a lot of stories.

Q: Why are writers always cold?
A: Because they’re surrounded by drafts.

Q: What is the spookiest kind of author?
A: A ghostwriter.

50/50

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him.

The young man felt sorry for them and asked "I'm sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don't have to split your food?"

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we've been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50."

The young man said, "Wow! That's commendable." He then turned to the wife and asked, "Aren't you going to eat your share?"

The wife replied "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."