Popular jokes (211 to 225)

Crayon jokes and puns

Today is National Crayon Day! Have some fun with crayons.

Crayons are just like M&Ms...
They taste the same no matter what colour they are.

I heard in the news that thay've found harmful materials in cosmetics and childrens crayons, but in the defense of the big corporations...
They're doing asbestos they can.

My wife accused me of being unsympathetic and not listening, so I bought her a GI Joe coloring book...
Now she'll always have a soldier to crayon.

Fill out job applications in crayon...
...and if you don’t get hired, just blame it on your color.

I just can't draw blood
With this orange crayon...
It isn't sharp enough.

This orange does not taste right...
I think I'm gonna put it back in the crayon box.

A woman goes to a doctor named...

A woman goes to a doctor named Dr. Wong. "Doctor, I can't get a date, no one will go out with me." In a very thick Asian accent, Dr. Wong says, "Take off clothes and get on all four hands and knees." She does. "Now crawl to wall." She does so and looks back at him. "I know what wrong." “What is it Doctor! What do I have?" "You have Ed Zachary disease." "Ed Zachary disease? What is that?!" "You face look Ed Zachary like you ass!"

Different ways to say your not so bright...

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off her cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

24 cents short of a quarter.

Something In Her Eye

"Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she had to go to the doctor. It cost me fifty dollars."
"That's nothing, last week a fur got in my wife's eye and it cost me five hundred dollars."

His Favorite Is Luke Skywalker

My friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favorite Star Wars character.
You should've seen the Luke on his face!

A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game...

A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.'

The blonde politely declined and tried to get some sleep. The lawyer made another offer: 'Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $1000' The blonde agreed.

The lawyer asked the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'

The blonde silently reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill, and handed it to the lawyer. Then she asked the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' And went back to sleep

The lawyer did research on his iPhone, called his buddies etc, all to no avail. After over an hour, he gave up. He woke the blonde up and handed her $1000 and asked 'Well, so what is the answer?'

Again, without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.

Missing fingers....

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, heck, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

Hope It's A Boy

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Doctor, what's going on?" asked the concerned father-to-be.
"Don't worry," said the doctor, "those are just contractions."

The Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?" 

15 Funny Dog Jokes

Q: Why do dogs make terrible dance partners?
A: They’ve got 2 left feet!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make ends meet.

Q: What did the Dalmatian say after he ate his dog biscuits?
A: “Ahh, that really hit the spots.“

Q: What happened to the dog who went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Q: When a dog has a fever, what’s the best thing to feed him?
A: Mustard—it’s the best thing for hot dogs.

Q: What do dogs do after they complete obedience school?
A: They get their masters.

Q: Why couldn’t the dog get the apple?
A: He was barking up the wrong tree!

Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
A: Ruff!

Did you hear about the dog who was fined for delivering puppies on the side of the road?
She was given a ticket for littering!

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dog and a tree?
A: By their bark!

A large number of dogs escaped the SPCA today. Police are looking for leads.

Beware of dog? A woman walks into a shop and sees a cute dog by the counter. She asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?” The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.” The woman pets the dog, who barks and nips her. “Ouch!” she shouts. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The shopkeeper replies, “I did! That’s not my dog!”

Q: Are dogs good at science?
A: Well, Labs are!

Q: Why do dogs float?
A: Because they’re good buoys!

Q: Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
A: He knew how to paws for dramatic effect!

Forever Friends

On New Year's Eve, Patty stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted everyone to be standing next to the one person who made their life worth living.
As the clock struck 12, chaos erupted as the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Caught Stealing Groceries

I saw a man stealing groceries the other day while on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
He got charged with shoplifting on two counts.

Bear Hunting

A hunter ventures into the forest to hunt a bear, armed with his trusty 22-gauge rifle. After some time, he spots an enormous bear, takes aim, and fires. The smoke clears, but the bear has vanished.
Moments later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "Nobody shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two options: I can tear out your throat and eat you, or you can drop your pants, bend over, and I'll do as I please." The hunter, fearing death, drops his pants and bends over, allowing the bear to do as he said.
Once the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his pants and hobbles back into town, bow-legged and furious. He purchases a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He spots the same bear, takes aim, and fires. The smoke clears, and the bear is gone.
The bear taps the hunter on the shoulder once more and says, "You know the drill." Humiliated, the hunter pulls up his pants, drags himself back to town, and buys a bazooka. Now seething with rage, he returns to the forest, spots the bear, aims, and fires. The blast from the bazooka sends him sprawling onto his back.
As the smoke clears, the bear looms over him and says, "This isn't really about hunting for you, is it?"

A man boards a flight and is l...

A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" !! Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???