Popular jokes (196 to 210)

Definition of Nutella

Nutella: Noun
God's favourite spreadable condiment; typically manufactured by pixies in the magical Land of Yum.

April Fools’ Day Jokes - prank or get pranked

April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of which animal?
The silly goose!

April Fools’ Day is a great day to pull pranks.
Except on me, if you’re smart.

Believe nothing and trust no one this April Fools’ Day.
So it’s just like any other day.

You are here for pranks, not jokes? Check some classic April Fools’ pranks on our April Fools’ archives page

Excuse me, sir. Do you think they named April Fools’ Day in your honor?

How is April Fools’ Day like a huge open mic night?
Millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

I’m going to pull an April Fools’ Day prank on my landlord by not paying rent.
Just kidding—rent isn’t due today!

Joke’s on you, April Fools’ Day.
I can be fooled any day of the year.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good April Fools' joke?

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just an April Fools' joke.

Who needs April Fools’ Day when your whole life is a joke?
April fools.

Who needs a day for the fools?
I’m surrounded by them all year.

Why can April jump so high?
It’s spring!

Why should you avoid the stairs on April Fools' Day?
Because they're always up to something.

Why shouldn't you tell ducks jokes on April Fools' Day?
They'll quack up.

Why was everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.

Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.

What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.

What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.

What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.

What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.

What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.

What do you call an overflowing toilet on April Fools' Day?
A septic prank.

What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.

What do you call a stepladder’s favorite holiday?
April Stools’ Day.

What do you call an open-toad's favorite holiday?
April Fools’ Day.

What do you call an umbrella's favorite holiday?
April Showers Day.

Some April Fools’ Day pranks never get old!
Check these Pranks you can play on people to make this one of the best April Fools’ Days ever!

What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.

What did April Fools’ Day say after it won an award?
Prank you very much!

What did the calendar say after April Fools' was declared a holiday?
"Prank you, prank you very much."

What did you say when it’s raining chickens and ducks on April Fools’ Day?
It’s fowl spring weather.

What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.

What's the April Fool’s lucky card in the deck?
The Joker.

What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fools’ Day?
On one you’re thankful, and on the other you’re prankful.

Why do omelettes love April Fools' Day?
They enjoy practical yolks.

Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.

Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.

You should know that no one understood it was an April Fools’ joke.
No one expected you to have a sense of humor.

Driving Me Out of my Mind

Mindy: "I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car."
Missy: "Really? How did you do it?'
Mindy: "I opened the door and pushed him out."

Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Edinburgh Fringe

I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.
- Mark Simmons

I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back.
- Alec Snook

Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful.
- Alex Kitson

I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it.
- Arthur Smith

I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.
- Mark Simmons

My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes.
- Olaf Falafel

British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons?
- Chelsea Birkby

I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it.
- Masai Graham

My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had.
- Zoë Coombs Marr

The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati.
- Olaf Falafel

I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’.
- Sarah Keyworth

I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard.
- Roger Swift

Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply.
- Lou Wall

Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher.
- Sophie Duker

Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people.
- Olga Koch

38 Rock jokes to celebrate International Rock Day

International Rock Day, celebrated on July 13 every year, is all about paying tribute to rocks. Have some fun with jokes that Rock!

What do you call it when two carbons are in a relationship?
Carbon dating.

Why were the rock couple breaking up?
Because they took each other for granite.

Why did the rock couple break up?
Because they couldn't comet to each other.

My wife told me she is thinking about selling Egyptian rocks.
It sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

What do you call a criminal rock?
Scum of the Earth.

Why did the rock decide to hit the gym?
Because he wanted to be bigger and boulder.

Where do the posh stones live?
Rockefeller Street!

Why did the rock sleep all day?
He was a bedrock.

How did the rock feel about going to jail?
He was petrified.

How did the rock feel when he got covered in algae?
He was lichen it.

You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.

Why did the rock shower every morning?
He wanted to start with a clean slate.

What did the stone want to be when it grew up?
A rock star.

What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.

Why was the rock unprogressive?
Because it was stuck in the Stonehenge.

Why was the rock hesitant to start his work?
Because he was stuck in corundum.

What did the rock do when it rolled down the road?
It rock 'n' rolled.

How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs.

Who is a geologist’s favorite comedian?
Chris Rock.

What is a geologist’s favorite treat?
Rock candy.

Why did the rock take English lessons?
To help it talk boulder.

What did the rock order at the bar?
Soda on the rocks.

Did you hear about the drunk geologist?
He finally hit rock bottom.

Which rock group is made up of four men who can’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

Why was the criminal rock acquitted?
Because his alibi was rock solid.

What is a geologist’s favorite type of music?
Hard rock.

Which magazine do rocks subscribe to?
The Rolling Stone.

Why didn’t the stone get back together with the rock?
He had too many faults.

What did Ariel say when she met the rock pool?
You have nice mussels.

Why is a moon rock tastier than an earth rock?
Because it’s a little meteor.

What is rock's favorite fruit?
A pome-granite.

Why do hipsters like rocks?
They’re underground.

Where do you take an injured rock?
To the Rocktor.

Why did the judge find the rock guilty?
The lawyers had concrete evidence.

How do stones get to outer space?
By rock-et.

What kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean?
Heavy rock.

What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.

What did the young rock say about failing his tests?
I don't want to talc about it.

8 Funny jokes to make Monday more bearable

Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, walked into a pub and crossed a road…
My whole life has become a joke!

I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today.
Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me.
I am really concerned after I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities.

I thought it was a real question when the teacher asked me if I knew any words that had all the vowels in order
Turned out it was facetious.

I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe.
.hings were going well but there was just one problem.
I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertized as
"The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank."

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner and when it came time to pay
The skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck. So they put it on the duck's bill

I recently paid $1 for a wig.
It was a small price toupee.

I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese…
She was a cracker!

A 70-year-old man has never be...

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

Water into Wine

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

The minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

God's Other Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her second graders if anyone knew another name for God. She was picturing answers like 'Lord' or 'Almighty'.After a long moment of silence a little boy raised his hand and said, "Howard." "Howard?" replied the confused teacher. "You know," continued the boy, "Howard be thy name."

Hickory dickory dock

A girl is complaining about the size of her breasts to her girl friend. She said, "I know I many be shallow, but they're so small. I just can't stand them!"

Her girl friend replied, "Look, don't get an operation or anything like that. I had the same problem and I went to Dr. Michaels and he helped me a lot. Make an appointment."

"You do look good. OK, I'll do it."

She makes the appointment and after the examination Dr. Michaels said, "Look all you need is an exercise program and the improvement will be amazing.

Here's what you do. Stick your chest out and bring it back in. Do that for ten minutes every day.

To help you with the rhythm, do it in time with this poem, Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow. If I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She did her exercise faithfully everyday, until one day when she forgot. She was on the bus going to work when she remembered that she hadn't done them that morning.

She looked around, and very gently stuck her chest out and back and quietly said, Mary had a little lamb his fleece was white as snow. if I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She was startled when a fellow came up and said, "Hey, you go to Dr. Michaels, don't you?"

"Why yes," she said, "but how did you know that?"

He stood up and began gyrating his hips while reciting, Hickory dickory dock.......

Three priests...

Three priests went to the train station to take a trip to Pittsburgh. The senior father looked to the youngest and said, "Will you go to the booth and buy the tickets for us?"

The young priest timidly replied, "Yes Father." And he headed for the ticket booth. When he gets to the window, he sees that the young woman selling tickets is wearing a VERY low cut neckline and is VERY endowed.

"Could I have three pickets to Titsburg?" he blurted. And, embarrassed, he ran back to the other two priests and told them what had happened.

The senior father then asked the middle-aged father if he would go to get the tickets. "And would you please get me two nickels for a dime while you are there?" he added.

"Certainly!" the middle-aged priest replied, "I'll be right back." When he arrived at the booth, he said "I'd like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and give me two nipples for a dime." And, embarrassed, he ran back to the other two priests and told them what had happened.

The senior father was angry and said, "You two wait here, I'll go and get them myself!" And he stormed off to the ticket booth. "I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and two nickels for a dime." he told the young woman, "And you should be ashamed of yourself, young lady. Dressing that way in a public place! Why....I'm sure that Saint Fingers is shaking his Peter at you right now!"

And he ran away......

Close Friends

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...
I don’t know 'y'.

Ice Cream

What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."

Going To A Nude Beach

My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach.
It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.

No seat on train

A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.
He can’t find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked “ma’am may I use your seat?”.
The British lady responded with “can’t you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.” .
The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks back up to the lady and says “please, ma’am, may I have your seat. I am very tired.” .
The woman says “how inconsiderate of you to ask me again” the man then calmly walks up and throws the dog out of the train window and sits dow. The woman starts screaming and demanding that the man be punished
, her husband walks up and says “you Americans are doing everything wrong
you drive on the wrong side of the road
you use the wrong utensils to eat,
and now
you’ve thrown the wrong bit** out of the window.”