Popular jokes (196 to 210)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Edinburgh Fringe
I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.
- Mark Simmons
I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back.
- Alec Snook
Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful.
- Alex Kitson
I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it.
- Arthur Smith
I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.
- Mark Simmons
My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes.
- Olaf Falafel
British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons?
- Chelsea Birkby
I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it.
- Masai Graham
My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had.
- Zoë Coombs Marr
The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati.
- Olaf Falafel
I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’.
- Sarah Keyworth
I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard.
- Roger Swift
Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply.
- Lou Wall
Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher.
- Sophie Duker
Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people.
- Olga Koch
23 'What do you call' Jokes to start week with some laugh
1. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny
2. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic
3. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff
4. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
5. What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso!
6. What do you call a dinosaur with a bandage on?
Dino-sore.
7. What do you call an old snowman?
Water
8. What do you call something that’s easy to get into, but hard to get out of?
Trouble
9. What do you call a woman with a screwdriver in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors between the toes on her left foot, and a corkscrew between the toes on her right foot?
A Swiss Army wife
10. What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran
11. What do you call the wife of a hippie?
A Mississippi!
12. What do you call a meditating wolf?
Aware wolf!
13. What do you call an American bee?
A USB!
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!
15. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URL-ologist
16. What do you call a destroyed angle?
A rect-angle!
17. What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto!
18. What do you call the security guards who work for Samsung?
The Guardians of the Galaxy
19. What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law!
20. What do you call a woman with her briefcase stuck in a tree?
A branch manager!
21. What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud!
22. What do you call a man wearing a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time!
23. What do you call your daughter’s boyfriend when he brings her home late?
An ambulance
The Diving Board
A man was on the very top diving board of a swimming pool.
He was poised, he lifted his arms, and was about to dive in when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive, there’s no water in that pool!”
“That’s all right!” said the man. “I can’t swim!”
Jokes about Mexicans to celebrate Cinco de Mayo
Cinco de Mayo, (Spanish: “Fifth of May”), also called Anniversary of the Battle of Puebla is holiday celebrated in parts of Mexico and the United States
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto!
What do you call a Mexican with a lowered car?
Carlos!
What do you call a Mexican drowning in mayonnaise?
Sinko De Mayo.
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?
Cuatro, sink-o.
What do you call a mexican with a bottle of vermouth?
A dry Martinez.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer?
Arriba McEntire.
What do you call two mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three?
Because there is no tres-passing.
Why did the Mexican sign up for Tinder?
For a Juan night stand.
What do you call a Mexican jedi apprentice?
Pada Juan.
April Fools’ Day Jokes - prank or get pranked
April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of which animal?
The silly goose!
April Fools’ Day is a great day to pull pranks.
Except on me, if you’re smart.
Believe nothing and trust no one this April Fools’ Day.
So it’s just like any other day.
You are here for pranks, not jokes? Check some classic April Fools’ pranks on our April Fools’ archives page
Excuse me, sir. Do you think they named April Fools’ Day in your honor?
How is April Fools’ Day like a huge open mic night?
Millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
I’m going to pull an April Fools’ Day prank on my landlord by not paying rent.
Just kidding—rent isn’t due today!
Joke’s on you, April Fools’ Day.
I can be fooled any day of the year.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good April Fools' joke?
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just an April Fools' joke.
Who needs April Fools’ Day when your whole life is a joke?
April fools.
Who needs a day for the fools?
I’m surrounded by them all year.
Why can April jump so high?
It’s spring!
Why should you avoid the stairs on April Fools' Day?
Because they're always up to something.
Why shouldn't you tell ducks jokes on April Fools' Day?
They'll quack up.
Why was everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.
Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.
What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.
What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.
What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.
What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
What do you call an overflowing toilet on April Fools' Day?
A septic prank.
What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.
What do you call a stepladder’s favorite holiday?
April Stools’ Day.
What do you call an open-toad's favorite holiday?
April Fools’ Day.
What do you call an umbrella's favorite holiday?
April Showers Day.
Some April Fools’ Day pranks never get old!
Check these Pranks you can play on people to make this one of the best April Fools’ Days ever!
What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.
What did April Fools’ Day say after it won an award?
Prank you very much!
What did the calendar say after April Fools' was declared a holiday?
"Prank you, prank you very much."
What did you say when it’s raining chickens and ducks on April Fools’ Day?
It’s fowl spring weather.
What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.
What's the April Fool’s lucky card in the deck?
The Joker.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fools’ Day?
On one you’re thankful, and on the other you’re prankful.
Why do omelettes love April Fools' Day?
They enjoy practical yolks.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.
Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.
You should know that no one understood it was an April Fools’ joke.
No one expected you to have a sense of humor.
Pearly gates
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it.After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl.
I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy, 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.
As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
I'm Still Standing!
With Elton John being 76, now when you hear him saying "I'm Still Standing!"
That means he's waiting for someone to bring him a chair.
8 Funny jokes to make Monday more bearable
Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, walked into a pub and crossed a road…My whole life has become a joke!
I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today.
Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.
I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me.
I am really concerned after I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities.
I thought it was a real question when the teacher asked me if I knew any words that had all the vowels in order
Turned out it was facetious.
I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe.
.hings were going well but there was just one problem.
I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertized as
"The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank."
A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner and when it came time to pay
The skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck. So they put it on the duck's bill
I recently paid $1 for a wig.
It was a small price toupee.
I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese…
She was a cracker!
A burglar and Jesus
A burglar broke into a home.He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."
Circle Flies
An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."
"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."
Appointment With My Cardiologist
I had an appointment with my cardiologist yesterday and on his door it read 8 to 5.
I left immediately!
Why?
I have to have better odds than that.
Hickory dickory dock
A girl is complaining about the size of her breasts to her girl friend. She said, "I know I many be shallow, but they're so small. I just can't stand them!"
Her girl friend replied, "Look, don't get an operation or anything like that. I had the same problem and I went to Dr. Michaels and he helped me a lot. Make an appointment."
"You do look good. OK, I'll do it."
She makes the appointment and after the examination Dr. Michaels said, "Look all you need is an exercise program and the improvement will be amazing.
Here's what you do. Stick your chest out and bring it back in. Do that for ten minutes every day.
To help you with the rhythm, do it in time with this poem, Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow. If I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.
She did her exercise faithfully everyday, until one day when she forgot. She was on the bus going to work when she remembered that she hadn't done them that morning.
She looked around, and very gently stuck her chest out and back and quietly said, Mary had a little lamb his fleece was white as snow. if I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.
She was startled when a fellow came up and said, "Hey, you go to Dr. Michaels, don't you?"
"Why yes," she said, "but how did you know that?"
He stood up and began gyrating his hips while reciting, Hickory dickory dock.......
Driving Me Out of my Mind
Mindy: "I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car."
Missy: "Really? How did you do it?'
Mindy: "I opened the door and pushed him out."
