Popular jokes (196 to 210)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Gilbert Gottfried: Spoke to the Animals
A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.
Tiny Pieces Of Paper
Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 2 seconds...
But instead I'm going to run it over 100 times with my vacuum at different angles.
April Fools’ Day Jokes - prank or get pranked
April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of which animal?
The silly goose!
April Fools’ Day is a great day to pull pranks.
Except on me, if you’re smart.
Believe nothing and trust no one this April Fools’ Day.
So it’s just like any other day.
You are here for pranks, not jokes? Check some classic April Fools’ pranks on our April Fools’ archives page
Excuse me, sir. Do you think they named April Fools’ Day in your honor?
How is April Fools’ Day like a huge open mic night?
Millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
I’m going to pull an April Fools’ Day prank on my landlord by not paying rent.
Just kidding—rent isn’t due today!
Joke’s on you, April Fools’ Day.
I can be fooled any day of the year.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good April Fools' joke?
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just an April Fools' joke.
Who needs April Fools’ Day when your whole life is a joke?
April fools.
Who needs a day for the fools?
I’m surrounded by them all year.
Why can April jump so high?
It’s spring!
Why should you avoid the stairs on April Fools' Day?
Because they're always up to something.
Why shouldn't you tell ducks jokes on April Fools' Day?
They'll quack up.
Why was everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.
Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.
What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.
What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.
What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.
What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
What do you call an overflowing toilet on April Fools' Day?
A septic prank.
What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.
What do you call a stepladder’s favorite holiday?
April Stools’ Day.
What do you call an open-toad's favorite holiday?
April Fools’ Day.
What do you call an umbrella's favorite holiday?
April Showers Day.
Some April Fools’ Day pranks never get old!
Check these Pranks you can play on people to make this one of the best April Fools’ Days ever!
What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.
What did April Fools’ Day say after it won an award?
Prank you very much!
What did the calendar say after April Fools' was declared a holiday?
"Prank you, prank you very much."
What did you say when it’s raining chickens and ducks on April Fools’ Day?
It’s fowl spring weather.
What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.
What's the April Fool’s lucky card in the deck?
The Joker.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fools’ Day?
On one you’re thankful, and on the other you’re prankful.
Why do omelettes love April Fools' Day?
They enjoy practical yolks.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.
Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.
You should know that no one understood it was an April Fools’ joke.
No one expected you to have a sense of humor.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer...
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" !! Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???
The Diving Board
A man was on the very top diving board of a swimming pool.
He was poised, he lifted his arms, and was about to dive in when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive, there’s no water in that pool!”
“That’s all right!” said the man. “I can’t swim!”
A 70-year-old man has never be...
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?""Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
Circle Flies
An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."
"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."
8 Funny jokes to make Monday more bearable
Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, walked into a pub and crossed a road…My whole life has become a joke!
I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today.
Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.
I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me.
I am really concerned after I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities.
I thought it was a real question when the teacher asked me if I knew any words that had all the vowels in order
Turned out it was facetious.
I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe.
.hings were going well but there was just one problem.
I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertized as
"The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank."
A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner and when it came time to pay
The skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck. So they put it on the duck's bill
I recently paid $1 for a wig.
It was a small price toupee.
I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese…
She was a cracker!
I'm Still Standing!
With Elton John being 76, now when you hear him saying "I'm Still Standing!"
That means he's waiting for someone to bring him a chair.
Hickory dickory dock
A girl is complaining about the size of her breasts to her girl friend. She said, "I know I many be shallow, but they're so small. I just can't stand them!"
Her girl friend replied, "Look, don't get an operation or anything like that. I had the same problem and I went to Dr. Michaels and he helped me a lot. Make an appointment."
"You do look good. OK, I'll do it."
She makes the appointment and after the examination Dr. Michaels said, "Look all you need is an exercise program and the improvement will be amazing.
Here's what you do. Stick your chest out and bring it back in. Do that for ten minutes every day.
To help you with the rhythm, do it in time with this poem, Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow. If I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.
She did her exercise faithfully everyday, until one day when she forgot. She was on the bus going to work when she remembered that she hadn't done them that morning.
She looked around, and very gently stuck her chest out and back and quietly said, Mary had a little lamb his fleece was white as snow. if I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.
She was startled when a fellow came up and said, "Hey, you go to Dr. Michaels, don't you?"
"Why yes," she said, "but how did you know that?"
He stood up and began gyrating his hips while reciting, Hickory dickory dock.......
Driving Me Out of my Mind
Mindy: "I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car."
Missy: "Really? How did you do it?'
Mindy: "I opened the door and pushed him out."
A burglar and Jesus
A burglar broke into a home.He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."
