Popular jokes (196 to 210)

Green Grape Says

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"

29 Halloween Jokes to make you laugh hard

Halloween Q/A Jokes

1. Q: Why don't skeletons like Halloween candy?
A: They don't have the stomach for it.
2. Q: Where do spiders do their Halloween shopping?
A: On the web.
3. Q: Who's in charge of the candy corn?
A: The kernel.
4. Q: Why didn't anyone want to go trick or treating with Dracula?
A: Because he’s a pain in the neck!
5. Q: What do birds give to trick or treaters?
A: Tweets.
6. Q: What do witches put on to go trick or treating?
A: Mas-scare-a.
7. Q: What did one piece of hard candy say to the other after it helped it escape from being eaten?
A: “Thanks! You're a real lifesaver.”
8. Q: What type of plants like Halloween the most?
A: Bam-Boo
9. Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no body to go with.
10. Q: What did the skeleton bring to the dinner party?
A: Spare-ribs.

Get more of holiday fun ideas at our Halloween Jokes.

11. Q: Why do skeletons love to drink milk?
A: It's good for the bones.
12. Q: What is a skeleton's favorite snack?
A: A cinnabone.
13. Q: What do you call a fat jack-o-lantern?
A: A plumpkin
14. Q: Who rules the pumpkin patch?
A: The pump-king.

Pumpkin Jokes are importan part of Halloween, but also part of many Thanksgiving Jokes.

15. Q: How does a pumpkin listen to Halloween music?
A: On vine-yl.
16. Q: What to ghosts add to their morning cereal?
A: Booberries
17. Q: What is a ghost's favorite kind of drink?
A: Ghoul-aid.
18. Q: What does a ghost put on his turkey?
A: Grave-y.
19. Q: What kind of cereal does a ghost have for breakfast?
A: Rice Creepies
20. Q: Where do ghosts shop for all of their meals?
A: The ghostery store.
21. Q: Why do witches wear name tags?
A: To tell which witch is which.
22. Q: What do witches study in school?
A: Spelling.
23. Q: Why did the angry witch leave her broom at home?
A: She didn’t want to fly off the handle.
24. Q: Where do witches park?
A: In the broom closet.

Halloween Knock, Knock Jokes

25. Knock, Knock!
Who's there? Orange.
Orange who? Orange you glad it's Halloween.
26. Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who? Don't cry, it's only Halloween.
27. Knock, knock!
Who’s there? Al.
Al who? Al go home after trick-or-treating.
28. Knock, Knock!
Who's there? Witch.
Witch who? Witch one of you has the candy?

Halloween Statement Jokes

29. Did you hear about the gloomy jack-o'-lantern? It needed to lighten up.

Trust me, I'm Sleeping

My doctor told me that I have a condition known as narco-somnia, which has symptoms of both narcolepsy and insomnia.
That's probably why I always sleep with one eye open.

Why I spoke so softly in the house?

My wife asked why I spoke so softly in the house.
I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Author SandipGarg.
NOTE:Many sharing this joke, but SandipGarg's tweet is the oldest post I found.

That's Impossible

Drunkard #1: I will become the chief prime minister tomorrow!
Drunkard #2: That's impossible... I haven't resigned yet.

Why did the turtle cross the r...

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.

And then....

Why was the turtle so shiny when he left the shell station?

He used some turtle wax!

Wifi Password

Johnny’s Father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right?
T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M

Do You Take Children

The father of three called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room. The clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people.
"Do you take children?" the father asked.
"No, sir," replied the clerk. "We only take cash and credit cards."

31 of the funniest jokes and best one-liners from comedians

Tim Vine Jokes and Oneliners:

1. “I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”
2. “I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”
3. “I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”
4. “This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”
5. “This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”
6. “Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’”
7. “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
8. “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”
9. “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
10. “I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'”
11. “Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”
12. “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”
13. “My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”

Milton Jones Jokes and Oneliners:

1. “Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.”
2. “My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.”
3. “Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…”
4. “Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!”
5. “You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.”
6. “The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.”
7. “I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”

Ken Dodd Jokes and Oneliners:

1. “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
2. “I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seashore.”

Miscellaneous Authors:

1. "The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast." - Demetri Martin
2. "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time." - Tom Ward
3. "My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round." - Sarah Millican
4. "Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?" - Dan Antolpolski
5. "Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door." - Bill Bailey
6. "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any." - Tommy Cooper
7. "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess." - Matt Kirshen
8. "A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals." - Peter Kay
9. "Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.’" - Harry Hill

Paint my house

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

Conveyor Belt Job

During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
"I work at the end of a belt," I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, "Are you the buckle?"

Retainer Day jokes

International Retainer Day falls on July 19 every year. This day challenges you to commit to your beautiful smile by keeping your retainer on after dental treatment. Use these jokes to smile all day long!

This lawyer has a $70,000 retainer...
He must care a lot about his teeth!

I’ve been working for an orthodontist on a freelance basis…
… but now they’ve put me on a retainer.

My dentist said I need braces, but I needed to pay something upfront.
So I asked him "wait, do I need braces or a retainer?"

How do dentists pay for their lawyers?
Retainers

What type of bear has no teeth?
A gummy bear!

Why did the FBI raid the dentist’s office?
To perform a cavity search.

Why should you be kind to your dentist?
Because they have fill-ings too!

Why did the smartphone go to the dentist?
It had a Bluetooth.

Why did the donut go to the dentist?
To get a filling!

What does an orthodontist do on a roller coaster?
She braces herself.

My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, “do you smoke or drink coffee?”
I told him I drink it.

Patient: How much does it cost to have a tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.
Patient: All that for only a few minutes of work? That’s expensive.
Dentist: Don’t worry, I can pull it out slower if you’d like.

Until it came out in conversation,
no one knew she had a dental implant.

A blonde is swimming in a rive...

A blonde is swimming in a river. A man walks up and asks her, "What are you doing in there?" She says, "I'm washing my clothes." The man asks, "Why don't you use a washing machine?" The blonde says, "I tried that, but it was too dizzy.

A car gets pulled over for inspection because...

A car gets pulled over for inspection because it's driving very slow on the interstate.

officer: ma'am, do you know how slow you were driving

woman: 25mph

officer: why were you driving so slow?

the woman: slow? There are signs everywhere that say I-25, so I was driving that speed.

officer: that's not a speed sign, it's the identification number of the interstate. license and registration, please.

As the driver reaches for the glove compartment, the officer sees the passenger sitting there, pale and shivering.

officer: are you okay? what's the problem?

passenger: we just got off the US-160

The Trouser Snake

=> NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake) => LOCATION: Throughout the world

=> DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

=> SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

=> HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

=> ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

=> WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

=> CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.