Popular jokes (181 to 195)

29 Halloween Jokes to make you laugh hard

Halloween Q/A Jokes

1. Q: Why don't skeletons like Halloween candy?
A: They don't have the stomach for it.
2. Q: Where do spiders do their Halloween shopping?
A: On the web.
3. Q: Who's in charge of the candy corn?
A: The kernel.
4. Q: Why didn't anyone want to go trick or treating with Dracula?
A: Because he’s a pain in the neck!
5. Q: What do birds give to trick or treaters?
A: Tweets.
6. Q: What do witches put on to go trick or treating?
A: Mas-scare-a.
7. Q: What did one piece of hard candy say to the other after it helped it escape from being eaten?
A: “Thanks! You're a real lifesaver.”
8. Q: What type of plants like Halloween the most?
A: Bam-Boo
9. Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no body to go with.
10. Q: What did the skeleton bring to the dinner party?
A: Spare-ribs.

Get more of holiday fun ideas at our Halloween Jokes.

11. Q: Why do skeletons love to drink milk?
A: It's good for the bones.
12. Q: What is a skeleton's favorite snack?
A: A cinnabone.
13. Q: What do you call a fat jack-o-lantern?
A: A plumpkin
14. Q: Who rules the pumpkin patch?
A: The pump-king.

Pumpkin Jokes are importan part of Halloween, but also part of many Thanksgiving Jokes.

15. Q: How does a pumpkin listen to Halloween music?
A: On vine-yl.
16. Q: What to ghosts add to their morning cereal?
A: Booberries
17. Q: What is a ghost's favorite kind of drink?
A: Ghoul-aid.
18. Q: What does a ghost put on his turkey?
A: Grave-y.
19. Q: What kind of cereal does a ghost have for breakfast?
A: Rice Creepies
20. Q: Where do ghosts shop for all of their meals?
A: The ghostery store.
21. Q: Why do witches wear name tags?
A: To tell which witch is which.
22. Q: What do witches study in school?
A: Spelling.
23. Q: Why did the angry witch leave her broom at home?
A: She didn’t want to fly off the handle.
24. Q: Where do witches park?
A: In the broom closet.

Halloween Knock, Knock Jokes

25. Knock, Knock!
Who's there? Orange.
Orange who? Orange you glad it's Halloween.
26. Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who? Don't cry, it's only Halloween.
27. Knock, knock!
Who’s there? Al.
Al who? Al go home after trick-or-treating.
28. Knock, Knock!
Who's there? Witch.
Witch who? Witch one of you has the candy?

Halloween Statement Jokes

29. Did you hear about the gloomy jack-o'-lantern? It needed to lighten up.

Little Johnny is taking a show...

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Tiny Pieces Of Paper

Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 2 seconds...
But instead I'm going to run it over 100 times with my vacuum at different angles.

The Diving Board

A man was on the very top diving board of a swimming pool.
He was poised, he lifted his arms, and was about to dive in when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive, there’s no water in that pool!”
“That’s all right!” said the man. “I can’t swim!”

A Bag of Air

I bought a bag of air today…
The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

17 Kangaroo jokes to celebrate Hug an Australian Day

What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits

What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”

What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper

What kind of music do kangaroos listen to?
Hip-hop

What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera

What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch

What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia

A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar...
It’s a normal day in Australia

A kangaroo is hopping around Australia

Whenever she stops, a little penguin pokes his head out of her pouch

In Antarctica, a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling, “Stupid student exchange program

” A kangaroo, a dolphin, and a snake walk into a bar...
That’s all

It’s funny since none of them actually walk

Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids! 9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh...
nevermind

A burglar and Jesus

A burglar broke into a home.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."

Retainer Day jokes

International Retainer Day falls on July 19 every year. This day challenges you to commit to your beautiful smile by keeping your retainer on after dental treatment. Use these jokes to smile all day long!

This lawyer has a $70,000 retainer...
He must care a lot about his teeth!

I’ve been working for an orthodontist on a freelance basis…
… but now they’ve put me on a retainer.

My dentist said I need braces, but I needed to pay something upfront.
So I asked him "wait, do I need braces or a retainer?"

How do dentists pay for their lawyers?
Retainers

What type of bear has no teeth?
A gummy bear!

Why did the FBI raid the dentist’s office?
To perform a cavity search.

Why should you be kind to your dentist?
Because they have fill-ings too!

Why did the smartphone go to the dentist?
It had a Bluetooth.

Why did the donut go to the dentist?
To get a filling!

What does an orthodontist do on a roller coaster?
She braces herself.

My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, “do you smoke or drink coffee?”
I told him I drink it.

Patient: How much does it cost to have a tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.
Patient: All that for only a few minutes of work? That’s expensive.
Dentist: Don’t worry, I can pull it out slower if you’d like.

Until it came out in conversation,
no one knew she had a dental implant.

I'm Still Standing!

With Elton John being 76, now when you hear him saying "I'm Still Standing!"

That means he's waiting for someone to bring him a chair.

United Nations Day jokes

October 24 is celebrated as United Nations Day, marking the establishment of this esteemed organization. Here are some jokes to help you spread awareness.

A teenager went to United Nations for help...
The UN judge asks, "Want are you afraid of?"
He replies,"My face is so oily, I'm afraid the US would invade me."

The United Nations are putting on an event with carousels, candy floss and a ferris wheel a couple of towns away.
I wish they'd come to my town. It's UNfair.

'Knock knock'
'Who's there'
'Okay Google'
'Okay Google, who?'
'Sorry I didn't catch that'
'OKAY GOOGLE WHO?'
'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland. '

Why was the United Nations concerned when the waitress dropped the platter on Thanksgiving?
It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China.

I always tell people I work for the United Nations.
It's a better way of saying I'm U.N.employed.

The United Nations world-wide survey joke

United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey flopped pretty much everywhere.
In Africa, families were confused about what "food" was.
Eastern Europeans watching state TV didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
People watching in China didn't know what an "opinion" was.
In the wartorn areas of Afghanistan and the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
People in South America didn't know what "please" meant.
People in Russia reading the survey knew what "share" meant.
Finally, Americans didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Appointment With My Cardiologist

I had an appointment with my cardiologist yesterday and on his door it read 8 to 5.
I left immediately!
Why?
I have to have better odds than that.

Gilbert Gottfried: Spoke to the Animals

A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.

Good and Bad News

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."
Dan said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."

To make it stand, you wet it.

To make it stand, you wet it.
To make it wet, you suck it.
To make it stiff, you lick it.
To get It in, you push it.
Threading a needle of course, get your mind out of the the gutter!

Broken Arm

A guy goes to the doctor.
Guy: "Doc, I think I broke my arm in three places."
Doctor: "Well, don't go to those places!"