Popular jokes (181 to 195)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Parrot Talk
An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."
United Nations Day jokes
October 24 is celebrated as United Nations Day, marking the establishment of this esteemed organization. Here are some jokes to help you spread awareness. A teenager went to United Nations for help...
The UN judge asks, "Want are you afraid of?"
He replies,"My face is so oily, I'm afraid the US would invade me."
The United Nations are putting on an event with carousels, candy floss and a ferris wheel a couple of towns away.
I wish they'd come to my town. It's UNfair.
'Knock knock'
'Who's there'
'Okay Google'
'Okay Google, who?'
'Sorry I didn't catch that'
'OKAY GOOGLE WHO?'
'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland. '
Why was the United Nations concerned when the waitress dropped the platter on Thanksgiving?
It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China.
I always tell people I work for the United Nations.
It's a better way of saying I'm U.N.employed.
The United Nations world-wide survey joke
United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"The survey flopped pretty much everywhere.
In Africa, families were confused about what "food" was.
Eastern Europeans watching state TV didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
People watching in China didn't know what an "opinion" was.
In the wartorn areas of Afghanistan and the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
People in South America didn't know what "please" meant.
People in Russia reading the survey knew what "share" meant.
Finally, Americans didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
What Is Two Plus Two?
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"
A variation
A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"
53 classic hilarious short jokes
I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
No pun in 10 did.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover –
it was just collecting dust.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He’s now a seasoned veteran.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”
Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’
Because every play has a cast.
I hate Russian dolls…
so full of themselves!
My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?”
I said: “No it doesn’t!”
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman.
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but
I can stop whenever I want.
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says:
“Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40”.
Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’?
There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke
timing.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed a little space.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
“Aye matey.”
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.”
The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”
Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.
My granddad has the heart of a lion and
a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!
There’s no “I” in Denial.
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
I used to be addicted to soap, but
I’m clean now.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems...
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
2024 April Fools’ Day pranks - get your pranks up to date
AI prank
Ask something on about well-known person/celebrity a href="https://gemini.google.com" target="_blank">gemini.google.com or chat.openai.com or any other Chat Bot or AI tool.
Take Screenshot and then edit the name and put name of your friend instead and send it to a friend saying: “Look what ChatGPT (or Gemini or whatever…) has on you!”
They will for sure go and check themselves!
Juice pranks – fill glass with jelly instead of juice
Care for a drink?
When your family tries to take a sip of this juice, they'll find out it’s really Jell-O.
Parking prank
Fake parking ticket onto windshield is classic prank.
Some April Fools’ Day pranks get better with age!
Check these Classic April Fools’ Day pranks to make this one of the best April Fools’ Days ever!
Delivery prank
Save the delivery boxes for a few weeks and then on April 1 set them all out by the front door.
Fake Remote Batteries
Replace your remote batteries with fake or dead batteries.
The person using the remote while watching television won't be able to change the channel.
You can sit and laugh at them while they are struggling to fix the remote.
Cookie monster
Unscrew several Oreo cookies and replace the filling with toothpaste.
Sandwich the cookies back together and serve with milk to make it look like a totally normal snack.
Put an air horn behind a door prank
Put an air horn behind a door, then run for cover when someone opens it.
I'm Moving Away Prank
Ideally, take a photo of new neighbor moving in/out so the truck is visible and your neighborhood recognizable on the photo.
If you can't find photo in your neighborhood, just find stock photo of Full-Service Movers so only truck and workers are visible, but not surrounding. Share photo to let your friends know you are moving out.
Need more April Fools’ Day pranks?
Check older April Fools’ Day pranks, they are still good today!
Wool in shoes prank
Stuff someone’s shoes with cotton wool.
They will be so confused when they don’t fit anymore!
Veggies for breakfast prank
Play with quirky twist on breakfast by substituting veggies for the expected doughnuts. Purchase a box from your nearby doughnut shop, but discreetly empty it of its contents before returning home.
Instead, fill it with nutritious options like carrots, celery, and broccoli, then seal it and place it on the table.
Watch as your family anticipates indulging in doughnuts for breakfast, only to discover a pleasant surprise of fresh salad ingredients.
This clever swap can also bring a healthy touch to your workplace when left in the communal kitchen area.
Pretend it’s someone’s birthday when it’s not prank
Then get everyone to sing Happy Birthday to them, and watch the embarrassment unfold.
Caught Stealing Groceries
I saw a man stealing groceries the other day while on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
He got charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Hickory dickory dock
A girl is complaining about the size of her breasts to her girl friend. She said, "I know I many be shallow, but they're so small. I just can't stand them!"
Her girl friend replied, "Look, don't get an operation or anything like that. I had the same problem and I went to Dr. Michaels and he helped me a lot. Make an appointment."
"You do look good. OK, I'll do it."
She makes the appointment and after the examination Dr. Michaels said, "Look all you need is an exercise program and the improvement will be amazing.
Here's what you do. Stick your chest out and bring it back in. Do that for ten minutes every day.
To help you with the rhythm, do it in time with this poem, Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow. If I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.
She did her exercise faithfully everyday, until one day when she forgot. She was on the bus going to work when she remembered that she hadn't done them that morning.
She looked around, and very gently stuck her chest out and back and quietly said, Mary had a little lamb his fleece was white as snow. if I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.
She was startled when a fellow came up and said, "Hey, you go to Dr. Michaels, don't you?"
"Why yes," she said, "but how did you know that?"
He stood up and began gyrating his hips while reciting, Hickory dickory dock.......
I've Got One of Them
A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio.
“I’m outside the Plaza Mall,” he reported. “A man has been robbed. I’ve got one of them.”
“Which one?” asked the operator.
“The one that was robbed.”
The Forgotten Name
Two old friends met by chance on the street.
After chatting for some time one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me".
The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"
45 clean romantic Knock knock jokes
1. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to get to know you better!
2. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce go on a date and make some memories together!
3. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you want to go out with me?
4. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Amour.
Amour who?
Amour than happy to have met you!
5. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Kiss.
Kiss who?
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
6. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, I'm falling for you!
7. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Charming.
Charming who?
Charming to meet you. Can I take you out for dinner?
8. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry nice to meet you. Can I have your number?
9. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid called. He wants his arrow back because I've fallen for you!
10. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Fella.
Fella who?
Fella madly in love with you!
11. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda hang out with me this weekend?
12. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Romeo.
Romeo who?
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Just kidding, let's go out!
13. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Apple-ogize for taking up your time, but can I take you out?
14. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cuddle.
Cuddle who?
Cuddle me close, and let's have a fantastic time!
15. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Prince.
Prince who?
Prince Charming has finally arrived, and he's asking you out!
16. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo, who?
Don't cry, babe, it's just me!
17. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to hold you tight!
18. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce snuggle up and watch our favorite movie together!
19. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you know how much I love you?
20. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sweetie.
Sweetie who?
Sweetie, you make my heart skip a beat!
21. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, you're the sweetest thing in my life!
22. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Darling.
Darling who?
Darling, you light up my world!
23. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry in love with you, my darling!
24. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid struck me with love the moment I met you!
25. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby, you complete me!
26. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Angel.
Angel who?
Angel, you're the one I've been waiting for!
27. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Juliet.
Juliet who?
Juliet, I can't stop thinking about you!
28. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Apple of my eye, you're the one for me!
29. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cuddle.
Cuddle who?
Cuddle me close, my love!
30. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Princess.
Princess who?
Princess, you're the queen of my heart!
31. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce cuddle up and create a cozy paradise of love!
32. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to explore a world of adventures with you!
33. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, you're my sweet addiction, and I can't get enough of you!
34. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby, you light up my world like nobody else!
35. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry lucky to have you by my side, my love!
36. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid shot an arrow, and it struck my heart when I met you!
37. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mystery.
Mystery who?
Mystery deepens when I think of you, and I'm excited to uncover it together!
38. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Prince.
Prince who?
Prince Charming might be a fairy tale, but you're my real-life prince!
39. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Flirt.
Flirt who?
Flirt with me forever, and let's keep the spark alive!
40. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Angel.
Angel who?
Angel, you bring heaven into my life, and I'm grateful for every moment with you!
41. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Daisy.
Daisy who?
Daisy, you make me smile every day, and I'm so lucky to have you!
42. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Romeo.
Romeo who?
Romeo couldn't resist knocking on your heart, and I'm here to stay!
43. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Echo.
Echo who?
Echo, you've captured my heart, and your love echoes through my soul!
44. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sunshine.
Sunshine who?
Sunshine, you brighten up my world, and I'm forever grateful for you!
45. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dream.
Dream who?
Dream, you're the one I've been waiting for, and being with you is a dream come true!
Problem Teacher
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A serious drinking problem."
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