Popular jokes (166 to 180)

Corn maze for ...

Corn maze for blondes!

Hickory dickory dock

A girl is complaining about the size of her breasts to her girl friend. She said, "I know I many be shallow, but they're so small. I just can't stand them!"

Her girl friend replied, "Look, don't get an operation or anything like that. I had the same problem and I went to Dr. Michaels and he helped me a lot. Make an appointment."

"You do look good. OK, I'll do it."

She makes the appointment and after the examination Dr. Michaels said, "Look all you need is an exercise program and the improvement will be amazing.

Here's what you do. Stick your chest out and bring it back in. Do that for ten minutes every day.

To help you with the rhythm, do it in time with this poem, Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow. If I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She did her exercise faithfully everyday, until one day when she forgot. She was on the bus going to work when she remembered that she hadn't done them that morning.

She looked around, and very gently stuck her chest out and back and quietly said, Mary had a little lamb his fleece was white as snow. if I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She was startled when a fellow came up and said, "Hey, you go to Dr. Michaels, don't you?"

"Why yes," she said, "but how did you know that?"

He stood up and began gyrating his hips while reciting, Hickory dickory dock.......

Frank Sinatra

A guy walked into the restroom at a restaurant in LA, and realized that the guy at the sink washing his hands was Frank Sinatra. He greeted Frank, and told him he was a huge fan. Frank smiled and thanked him. Then he told Frank he was with a date and wanted to impress her. Telling Frank his name was Bob, he asked Frank if he could come and greet him by name at his table. "No problem" said Frank and he went back to his table.

About ten minutes later Frank walked up to the table and said, "Hey Bob, long time no see."

Without looking up, Bob said, "Fuck off Frankie, can't you see I'm busy?"

What Is Two Plus Two?

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

A variation

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

A colonel is standing by a vending machine

A private walks past and the colonel says "Say there, soldier, do you have four quarters for a dollar?"

"Sure thing, dude, gimme a moment," says the private.

"DUDE?!" yells the colonel. "Do you not see the gold leaf on my shoulder? Stand to attention when you talk to me and address me according to my rank!"

"SIR YES SIR!" replies the private, coming promptly to attention.

"That's better, soldier. Now, as I was saying -- do you happen to have four quarters for a dollar?"

"SIR I DO NOT SIR!" yells the private.

Happy Friday

Did someone say friday??

At the pharmacy

A woman entered the pharmacy, approached the pharmacist, made direct eye contact, and began to speak.
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A man walks into a pub with a rat on his shoulder

He takes a seat at the bar and orders a pint from the landlord.

Landlord says "Uh, mate, you can't have that rat in here."

Man replies "Ah don't worry. You see, he's a special rat, he could out drink any man in this pub. Give me a pint and I'll show you."

The landlord is sceptical, but he brings the rat a pint. The man takes the rat off of his shoulder and dunks him into the pint. The rat swims around the glass and in seconds, the beer is gone.

This attracts the attention of the other patrons, and before long, everyone in the pub is buying drinks for the rat. He gets more pints and drains them all. One man buys him multiple shots, and the rat dips his head in each and downs them all.

After several rounds, the landlord says "alright, let's really put this rat to the test."

He gathers several bottles, and leads the patron upstairs to his bathroom, before filling the bathtub with spirits. The man plops the rat down in the bath, and the rat happily drains it, before keeling over, dead.

The man begins to weep. "My sweet friend, I can't believe he's gone."

The landlord places a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. "He was a truly unique creature. May we honour him by hanging his tail above the bar?" The man accepts this request, and the landlord cuts off the rat's tail, then takes it and hangs it above the bar.

Meanwhile, the rat floats on up to the pearly gates and is met by Mouse St. Peter, who invites him into Mouse Heaven.

"Hang on," says the rat, "I can't go to mouse heaven, I'm supposed to go to rat heaven."

Mouse St. Peter chuckles, looking the rat up and down, "why would you go to rat heaven? You're clearly a mouse. If you were a rat, you'd have a great stinking tail."

"You don't understand," says the rat, "some bloke on earth took my tail when I died. Look, if you could just send me back for a moment, I can get my tail back and prove to you I should be in rat heaven."

Mouse St. Peter thinks for a moment, then snaps his fingers, and suddenly the rat, now a ghost, is back in the bathtub. He scuttles back down to the bar, where he finds the landlord closing up.

"You there, landlord!" says the rat, "I need my tail back so I can get into rat heaven!"

The landlord, startled by the presence of a rat he thought to be deceased, stares at the rat in disbelief. "Y-you're supposed to be dead!"

"I know," says the rat, "and if you can just get me my tail, I'll be on my way."

The landlord looks to the rat, then to the tail behind the bar.

"I'm sorry my furry friend, I'd love to help, but I'm afraid I can't serve spirits after hours."

Little Johnny is taking a show...

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

That wife of mine is a liar

That wife of mine is a liar said the angry husband to a sympathetic palseated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'dbeen, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

Crayon jokes and puns

Today is National Crayon Day! Have some fun with crayons.

Crayons are just like M&Ms...
They taste the same no matter what colour they are.

I heard in the news that thay've found harmful materials in cosmetics and childrens crayons, but in the defense of the big corporations...
They're doing asbestos they can.

My wife accused me of being unsympathetic and not listening, so I bought her a GI Joe coloring book...
Now she'll always have a soldier to crayon.

Fill out job applications in crayon...
...and if you don’t get hired, just blame it on your color.

I just can't draw blood
With this orange crayon...
It isn't sharp enough.

This orange does not taste right...
I think I'm gonna put it back in the crayon box.

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased...

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

I think my family might be racist

I think my family might be racist.
I brought my new asian girlfriend home to meet my family and i couldn't believe how rude my wife and kids were to her.

Wine Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Until You Can't Hold Your Bladder!

Q: What’s the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine?
A: Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it looks like it’s not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth!

Q: What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?
A: It let out a little wine!

Q: How do you determine how much wine to drink?
A: Just take it on a case-by-case basis.

Q: What is a woman’s idea of a balanced diet?
A: A glass of wine in each hand!

A man sat with his wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, as she said, “I love you so much, you know. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It’s me talking to the wine.

A priest is sitting on a park bench mumbling to himself, when a police officer walks over. He smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and sees a wine bottle in a paper bag beside him.
Officer: Father, have you been drinking?
Priest: Just water.
Officer: Then why do I smell wine?
Priest: Good Lord! He’s done it again!

Q: How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
A: I don’t know, maybe 20 minutes?

Customer: Can I get a bottle of McWine please?
Cashier: Sir, this is McDonald’s.

Young Man: Wow, 50 years. What’s your secret?
Older Man: Twice a week, we go out to a fancy dinner and drink a bottle of expensive wine. Tonight is my night. She gets Thursdays.

Do It When You Can

If you want to change the world, do it when you are single!
Once you' re married, you can't even change the TV channel.