Popular jokes (166 to 180)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Wine Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Until You Can't Hold Your Bladder!
Q: What’s the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine?
A: Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it looks like it’s not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth!
Q: What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: How do you determine how much wine to drink?
A: Just take it on a case-by-case basis.
Q: What is a woman’s idea of a balanced diet?
A: A glass of wine in each hand!
A man sat with his wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, as she said, “I love you so much, you know. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It’s me talking to the wine.
A priest is sitting on a park bench mumbling to himself, when a police officer walks over. He smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and sees a wine bottle in a paper bag beside him.
Officer: Father, have you been drinking?
Priest: Just water.
Officer: Then why do I smell wine?
Priest: Good Lord! He’s done it again!
Q: How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
A: I don’t know, maybe 20 minutes?
Customer: Can I get a bottle of McWine please?
Cashier: Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Young Man: Wow, 50 years. What’s your secret?
Older Man: Twice a week, we go out to a fancy dinner and drink a bottle of expensive wine. Tonight is my night. She gets Thursdays.
Talking Dog for Sale
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
When I was 14, all I wanted wa...
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
At 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.
Infrequently
An elderly couple who are both widowed have been courting for a long time.
They decide it's finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they go out to dinner and talk about how their marriage might work.
They discuss finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the man broaches the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asks, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," replies the old lady.
The old gentleman sits quietly for a moment, adjusts his glasses, leans over towards her and whispers: "Is that one word or two?"
Seal at the mechanic
A penguin takes his car to the shop to have it fixed. While he's waiting, he goes into a cool ice cream shop and eats ice cream. Having flippers instead hands, he gets the ice cream all over himself. He's goes back to the auto shop and asks the mechanic what was wrong with his car.
"Well," says the mechanic, "it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin replies, "It's just ice cream, I swear!!"
Bored on the train
Three men and a young woman are travelling on a train. The four passengers get talking and the chat soon takes an erotic turn.
The young woman proposes: “If each of you give me $1 I will show you my legs”. The men, charmed by the woman, all pull a dollar out of their wallet and she proceeds to pull up her dress a bit to show her legs.
The woman then says: “If each of you gentlemen give me $10 I will show you my thighs”. Again the men pull out their wallets, hand over the money the money and the woman pulls up her dress to show her legs.
The woman continues: “If you give me $100 I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis”. All three hand over the money.
The woman then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance, that’s the hospital where I had it done!”
Original joke found on https://boards.fool.com posted on July 5th 2000, posted by gwgross, versions with more details could be found a bit later
Who Wants to be a Millionaire
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau.If she answered the next question correctly, she would win$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.As she suspected it would be, the million- dollar question was no pushover. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is itA) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logicalthing to do. On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is-...... absolutely correct.You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
29 Halloween Jokes to make you laugh hard
Halloween Q/A Jokes
1. Q: Why don't skeletons like Halloween candy?A: They don't have the stomach for it.
2. Q: Where do spiders do their Halloween shopping?
A: On the web.
3. Q: Who's in charge of the candy corn?
A: The kernel.
4. Q: Why didn't anyone want to go trick or treating with Dracula?
A: Because he’s a pain in the neck!
5. Q: What do birds give to trick or treaters?
A: Tweets.
6. Q: What do witches put on to go trick or treating?
A: Mas-scare-a.
7. Q: What did one piece of hard candy say to the other after it helped it escape from being eaten?
A: “Thanks! You're a real lifesaver.”
8. Q: What type of plants like Halloween the most?
A: Bam-Boo
9. Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no body to go with.
10. Q: What did the skeleton bring to the dinner party?
A: Spare-ribs.
Get more of holiday fun ideas at our Halloween Jokes.
11. Q: Why do skeletons love to drink milk?
A: It's good for the bones.
12. Q: What is a skeleton's favorite snack?
A: A cinnabone.
13. Q: What do you call a fat jack-o-lantern?
A: A plumpkin
14. Q: Who rules the pumpkin patch?
A: The pump-king.
Pumpkin Jokes are importan part of Halloween, but also part of many Thanksgiving Jokes.
15. Q: How does a pumpkin listen to Halloween music?
A: On vine-yl.
16. Q: What to ghosts add to their morning cereal?
A: Booberries
17. Q: What is a ghost's favorite kind of drink?
A: Ghoul-aid.
18. Q: What does a ghost put on his turkey?
A: Grave-y.
19. Q: What kind of cereal does a ghost have for breakfast?
A: Rice Creepies
20. Q: Where do ghosts shop for all of their meals?
A: The ghostery store.
21. Q: Why do witches wear name tags?
A: To tell which witch is which.
22. Q: What do witches study in school?
A: Spelling.
23. Q: Why did the angry witch leave her broom at home?
A: She didn’t want to fly off the handle.
24. Q: Where do witches park?
A: In the broom closet.
Halloween Knock, Knock Jokes
25. Knock, Knock!Who's there? Orange.
Orange who? Orange you glad it's Halloween.
26. Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who? Don't cry, it's only Halloween.
27. Knock, knock!
Who’s there? Al.
Al who? Al go home after trick-or-treating.
28. Knock, Knock!
Who's there? Witch.
Witch who? Witch one of you has the candy?
Halloween Statement Jokes
29. Did you hear about the gloomy jack-o'-lantern? It needed to lighten up.When You See A Spaceman
What do you do when you see a SPACEMAN?
You park your car in it!
United Nations Day jokes
October 24 is celebrated as United Nations Day, marking the establishment of this esteemed organization. Here are some jokes to help you spread awareness. A teenager went to United Nations for help...
The UN judge asks, "Want are you afraid of?"
He replies,"My face is so oily, I'm afraid the US would invade me."
The United Nations are putting on an event with carousels, candy floss and a ferris wheel a couple of towns away.
I wish they'd come to my town. It's UNfair.
'Knock knock'
'Who's there'
'Okay Google'
'Okay Google, who?'
'Sorry I didn't catch that'
'OKAY GOOGLE WHO?'
'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland. '
Why was the United Nations concerned when the waitress dropped the platter on Thanksgiving?
It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China.
I always tell people I work for the United Nations.
It's a better way of saying I'm U.N.employed.
The United Nations world-wide survey joke
United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"The survey flopped pretty much everywhere.
In Africa, families were confused about what "food" was.
Eastern Europeans watching state TV didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
People watching in China didn't know what an "opinion" was.
In the wartorn areas of Afghanistan and the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
People in South America didn't know what "please" meant.
People in Russia reading the survey knew what "share" meant.
Finally, Americans didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Three priests...
Three priests went to the train station to take a trip to Pittsburgh. The senior father looked to the youngest and said, "Will you go to the booth and buy the tickets for us?"
The young priest timidly replied, "Yes Father." And he headed for the ticket booth. When he gets to the window, he sees that the young woman selling tickets is wearing a VERY low cut neckline and is VERY endowed.
"Could I have three pickets to Titsburg?" he blurted. And, embarrassed, he ran back to the other two priests and told them what had happened.
The senior father then asked the middle-aged father if he would go to get the tickets. "And would you please get me two nickels for a dime while you are there?" he added.
"Certainly!" the middle-aged priest replied, "I'll be right back." When he arrived at the booth, he said "I'd like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and give me two nipples for a dime." And, embarrassed, he ran back to the other two priests and told them what had happened.
The senior father was angry and said, "You two wait here, I'll go and get them myself!" And he stormed off to the ticket booth. "I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and two nickels for a dime." he told the young woman, "And you should be ashamed of yourself, young lady. Dressing that way in a public place! Why....I'm sure that Saint Fingers is shaking his Peter at you right now!"
And he ran away......
