Popular jokes (166 to 180)

Hickory dickory dock

A girl is complaining about the size of her breasts to her girl friend. She said, "I know I many be shallow, but they're so small. I just can't stand them!"

Her girl friend replied, "Look, don't get an operation or anything like that. I had the same problem and I went to Dr. Michaels and he helped me a lot. Make an appointment."

"You do look good. OK, I'll do it."

She makes the appointment and after the examination Dr. Michaels said, "Look all you need is an exercise program and the improvement will be amazing.

Here's what you do. Stick your chest out and bring it back in. Do that for ten minutes every day.

To help you with the rhythm, do it in time with this poem, Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow. If I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She did her exercise faithfully everyday, until one day when she forgot. She was on the bus going to work when she remembered that she hadn't done them that morning.

She looked around, and very gently stuck her chest out and back and quietly said, Mary had a little lamb his fleece was white as snow. if I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She was startled when a fellow came up and said, "Hey, you go to Dr. Michaels, don't you?"

"Why yes," she said, "but how did you know that?"

He stood up and began gyrating his hips while reciting, Hickory dickory dock.......

Little Johnny is taking a show...

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Are You Eating Right

A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear.
She says, "Doctor, can you help me? I don't feel well, and I cannot figure out what's wrong."
The doctor replies; "Well, you are clearly not eating properly."

Happy Friday

Did someone say friday??

Missing Taxi Driver

Magistrate: "What was he doing when you arrested him?"
Policeman: "He was arguing with a taxi driver, Your Honor."
Magistrate: "That is no proof he was drunk."
Policeman: "Well, Your Honor, there was no taxi driver there."

I think my family might be racist

I think my family might be racist.
I brought my new asian girlfriend home to meet my family and i couldn't believe how rude my wife and kids were to her.

25 Running Jokes - to celebrate Global Running Day

Every year on the first Wednesday in June, people across the U.S. participate in Global Running Day. Celebrate the occasion with some running jokes to keep the fun in your run!

Why did the DJ get disqualified from the 400m sprint?
He kept changing tracks.

How did the Robot break the 400m world record?
There was short circuit!

How did the barber win the race?
He took a shortcut.

Why did the marathoner constantly play a prank on his team mate?
Because it was a running joke.

Why do runners go jogging early in the morning?
They want to finish before their brain figures out what they are doing.

How do you know your a dedicated runner?
When your treadmill has more miles on it than your car.

What do you call a free treadmill?
OUTSIDE!

What’s a sprinter’s favourite takeaway?
McDonald’s.
They love fast food!

What do a dentist and a track coach have in common?
They both use drills!

Why are the President and Vice President so fit?
Because they are running mates.

Where did the Helsinki Marathon end?
At the Finnish line.

Why shouldn't runners use a treadmill?
It'll get them nowhere!

Why did no one think Cinderella was a serious athlete?
Because everybody knew her coach was a pumpkin.

Why don’t sprinters have long careers?
Because they’re only good in the short run.

What does a runner lose after winning a race?
Their breath!

Why did the orange stop running?
It ran out of juice.

What do you call a half-marathoner?
Half crazy.

What do you call a steep hill that runners love to race up?
The psycho-path.

Why happened to the tomato that fell behind in the race?
It had to ketchup.

What happens when you run in front of a car?
You get tired.

What do you get when you jog behind a car?
Exhausted!

Why don’t they allow animals in the marathon?
Because they aren’t part of the human race.

What do sprinters snack on before the race?
Nothing, they fast!

The snowman had to give up running eventually.
He just couldn’t warm up.

The long-distance runner had a real fear of speed bumps on the road.
He’s slowly getting over it.

A man walks into a pub with a rat on his shoulder

He takes a seat at the bar and orders a pint from the landlord.

Landlord says "Uh, mate, you can't have that rat in here."

Man replies "Ah don't worry. You see, he's a special rat, he could out drink any man in this pub. Give me a pint and I'll show you."

The landlord is sceptical, but he brings the rat a pint. The man takes the rat off of his shoulder and dunks him into the pint. The rat swims around the glass and in seconds, the beer is gone.

This attracts the attention of the other patrons, and before long, everyone in the pub is buying drinks for the rat. He gets more pints and drains them all. One man buys him multiple shots, and the rat dips his head in each and downs them all.

After several rounds, the landlord says "alright, let's really put this rat to the test."

He gathers several bottles, and leads the patron upstairs to his bathroom, before filling the bathtub with spirits. The man plops the rat down in the bath, and the rat happily drains it, before keeling over, dead.

The man begins to weep. "My sweet friend, I can't believe he's gone."

The landlord places a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. "He was a truly unique creature. May we honour him by hanging his tail above the bar?" The man accepts this request, and the landlord cuts off the rat's tail, then takes it and hangs it above the bar.

Meanwhile, the rat floats on up to the pearly gates and is met by Mouse St. Peter, who invites him into Mouse Heaven.

"Hang on," says the rat, "I can't go to mouse heaven, I'm supposed to go to rat heaven."

Mouse St. Peter chuckles, looking the rat up and down, "why would you go to rat heaven? You're clearly a mouse. If you were a rat, you'd have a great stinking tail."

"You don't understand," says the rat, "some bloke on earth took my tail when I died. Look, if you could just send me back for a moment, I can get my tail back and prove to you I should be in rat heaven."

Mouse St. Peter thinks for a moment, then snaps his fingers, and suddenly the rat, now a ghost, is back in the bathtub. He scuttles back down to the bar, where he finds the landlord closing up.

"You there, landlord!" says the rat, "I need my tail back so I can get into rat heaven!"

The landlord, startled by the presence of a rat he thought to be deceased, stares at the rat in disbelief. "Y-you're supposed to be dead!"

"I know," says the rat, "and if you can just get me my tail, I'll be on my way."

The landlord looks to the rat, then to the tail behind the bar.

"I'm sorry my furry friend, I'd love to help, but I'm afraid I can't serve spirits after hours."

What Is Two Plus Two?

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

A variation

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

Crayon jokes and puns

Today is National Crayon Day! Have some fun with crayons.

Crayons are just like M&Ms...
They taste the same no matter what colour they are.

I heard in the news that thay've found harmful materials in cosmetics and childrens crayons, but in the defense of the big corporations...
They're doing asbestos they can.

My wife accused me of being unsympathetic and not listening, so I bought her a GI Joe coloring book...
Now she'll always have a soldier to crayon.

Fill out job applications in crayon...
...and if you don’t get hired, just blame it on your color.

I just can't draw blood
With this orange crayon...
It isn't sharp enough.

This orange does not taste right...
I think I'm gonna put it back in the crayon box.

A six-year-old boy asks his dad to take him to McDonald's...

A six-year-old boy asks his dad to take him to McDonald's, but the dad is not interested, so he says, 'Only if you can spell the name of the restaurant.' The boy tries but fails.
The next day, he asks again, 'Can we go to Burger King?' But once more, his dad asks him to spell the name before they go, and boy tries again without success.
On the third day, the boy comes home eagerly from school and says, 'Dad, can we eat out tonight, please? Can we go to KFC?'"
(original joke told to me by my 10 year old son)

I Need A Raise

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.
My boss asked, "What companies?"
I replied, "Gas, water, and electricity."

Life is too short to be serious

Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can't laugh at yourself, call me and i will laugh at you.

Where I Come From

"Those are fighting words where I come from!"
"Well, then why don't you fight?!?!"
"Cause I ain't where I come from!"

17 Kangaroo jokes to celebrate Hug an Australian Day

What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits

What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”

What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper

What kind of music do kangaroos listen to?
Hip-hop

What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera

What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch

What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia

A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar...
It’s a normal day in Australia

A kangaroo is hopping around Australia

Whenever she stops, a little penguin pokes his head out of her pouch

In Antarctica, a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling, “Stupid student exchange program

” A kangaroo, a dolphin, and a snake walk into a bar...
That’s all

It’s funny since none of them actually walk

Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids! 9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh...
nevermind