Popular jokes (256 to 270)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
World Hypertension Day jokes
World Hypertension Day is observed every May 17th in order to raise awareness and promote hypertension prevention, detection and control. Raise awareness with these jokes.
Why did the skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?
He was taking everything with a grain of salt.
My doctor just prescribed me blood pressure medication
it was a tough pill to swallow
Russian health tips
-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds Vodka. "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness....
A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting all of the bed charts.
A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.
"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"
Ignoring the doctor again, the man then begins to take everyone's blood and starts processing it through the hospital's examination equipment.
"Right!" Shouts the doctor. "Now you're testing my patients!"
The Englishman
A British gentleman in the late 1800's was born to a poor family but through grit and determination begged, borrowed and stole his way to financial success. Always obsessed with climbing the social ladder he even courted then married a woman from a rich family. Through her family he was able to get into a very prestigious gentlemen's club where he could rub elbows with wealthiest of wealthy. He knew this was one of his best opportunities because for all his hustle he knew he wasn't what was considered "old money" and thus never able to rise higher than he was.One night while at the club he overhears some gentleman talking. One tells a story of going on an African safari where he killed a lion, the head of which he had mounted and placed in his study. A second gentleman mentions a trip to the Yukon to investigate their gold prospecting operation and while there he downed a large elk whose antlers he mounted above the fireplace in his living room. A third gentleman tells a story about going to their estate in India where he killed a tiger from the back of an elephant and had it made into a rug he put in his bedroom.
Our British gentleman hears these stories and realizes that to keep up appearances he will need to take an excursion and down some sort of big game himself. So he makes arrangements, getting supplies and chartering a ship to Africa. Once arriving he finds a guide who speaks English and some other men to carry his belongings and they make their way into the dark jungle.
As they trek through the jungle, cutting down the heavy foliage with machetes, they begin to hear a sound in the distance. As the get further in the British gentleman begins to make out that it's the sound of drumming, and assumes that it's some local tribe having some sort of celebration, and as his companions don't seem concerned he assumes it's not something that will become an issue.
As they progress through the jungle and the day becomes late the drumming has increased in volume and intensity. After making camp and preparing their meals the Englishman is getting a bit nervous and asks the guide if the drumming is something they should be concerned with. The guide waves a hand and says "Not to worry. The only time to worry is if the drumming stops."
During the next day as they make their way through the jungle the drumming continues to intensify. By the time they make their camp on the second night the drumming has grown so loud that it's drowning out every other noise in the jungle. No birds, insects, nothing can be heard.
Very suddenly, the drumming stops, absolutely stone cold silence. The Englishman bolts up frantically grabbing the guide and asks "That's bad isn't it? You said the drumming stopping was bad!?"
The guide shakes his head and says "It's absolutely terrible. It means it's time for the accordion solo."
8 new jokes for Happy Friday
1. A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him.
I know the drill.
2. Never fall in love with a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
3. Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
4. 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants
Now they're tenants
5. What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?
An Uber.
6. How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They know what grams are.
7. A man sees his buddy carrying a box.
"What's that?" he ask.
"Oh, I got a case of beer for my wife."
Man nods sagely, "Good trade."
8. Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!
4. 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants
Now they're tenants
5. What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?
An Uber.
6. How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They know what grams are.
7. A man sees his buddy carrying a box.
"What's that?" he ask.
"Oh, I got a case of beer for my wife."
Man nods sagely, "Good trade."
8. Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!
My first job was working in an...
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. So, I tried retirement and found that I'm perfect for the job!
Lesbian Diet
Q: Why cant a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?
A: Because they cant eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on their face at the same time.
Write You A Ticket
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
Pee in the pool....
Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," insisted Little Johnny.
"That may be," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
Grandpa, Did God Make You?
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “God made me a long time ago.”“Oh,” she paused. “Grandpa, did God make me too?”“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “God made you just a little while ago.”Feeling their respective faces again, the little girl observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t He?” 
A mathematician leaves a conference only to find...
A mathematician leaves a conference only to find that the last train has gone.Being a devout Christian, he falls to his knees and prays: "God, if it lies within your will, please send me a way to get home tonight!".
To his astonishment, there is a swirl of ethereal music, and an angel descends from the clouds, and moments later a shiny black Audi appears where it wasn't before. "Hail, thou who has found favour with the Lord!" proclaims the angel. "Here is your way home" - and the angel hands him the keys to the Audi.
An hour or so later, the mathematician is parking outside his house, and he once again kneels and prays, "Lord, who has heard my prayer and been gracious unto me, I now ask that you take back this gift. I only wanted to get home, and you have done all that I could have asked - so let me not be tempted by the desire for material gains."
There is another swirl of ethereal music, and a still more glorious creature appears. The mathematician bows reverently, and says "Have I the honour of addressing Michael, or are you Gabriel?"
"Why do you ask?" says the radiant figure.
"Because," says the mathematician, "if you are here to undo the function of an angel, you must be an arcangel."
New Skunk Band
Did you hear about the skunks that started a boy band?
They are calling themselves "The Back Streak Boys"!
Moral of the story
O n elephant and a mouse are walking together through the jungle when the elephant falls into a very large hole. The hole is so large that try as he might, the elephant is unable to climb out.So the mouse says, "Hang around, I'll get something to drag you out with" and leaves. A little while later the mouse returns driving a Porsche and with a rope tied to the bumper bar and he drags the elephant out of the hole.
The two friends continue their stroll through the jungle when all of a sudden, the mouse falls into a hole. The elephant immediately stands over the hole and squatting over it, lowers his penis so the mouse can grab it and lift himself out of the hole.
The moral of this story is that "If your dick is long enough you dont need a Porsche."
