Popular jokes (24091 to 24105)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go."

Natasha Leggero: Sex With a Prostitute

Bragging to me you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got some chips from a vending machine.

Wrong way....

As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"

 This Dog Is Acting Bad

While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.
A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"
To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."

Halloween Treats for the Dead

What did the ghost get for Halloween? Some Booo-T

A Spanish man wants to buy a s...

A Spanish man wants to buy a soda from the soda machine. He puts in some change. The machine says "DIME". The man tells the machine "Yo quiero Pepsi!"

A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious argument

A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."

"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"

After numerous rounds of, &quo...

After numerous rounds of, "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked Canada's RCMP for help. The RCMP cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"

Three nuns...

Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" She says, "Oh that's easy, that was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven.

So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman on earth?" She says "Oh that's easy that was Eve." Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven.

So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven!

Real Classified Ads 02

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at:
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED

Celebrating the Holidays

What do you say to your single friends on Valentine’s Day?
Happy Independence Day!

A Bad Gift for a Buddhist

Q: Why is a vacuum cleaner a bad gift for a Buddhist?
A: Because it comes with attachments.

“I want to start a bu

“I want to start a business selling artificial leather. I just need to know what a nauga is and how do I get its hide?”

Blind Skydivers

Why don't blind people skydive more often?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

How does a blind skydiver know the ground is near?

The leash goes slack

Prison guard job

“He turned down a prison guard job to become a prize fighter. Later he moaned, 'I could have been a con tender.'”