Popular jokes (24106 to 24120)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Q: What sits on the bottom of ...
Q: What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?A: A nervous wreck!
Things You Should Never Say To A Police Officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop! No doughnut!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on the T.V show Cops?
Nick Swardson: Quitting Pot
I used to smoke pot all the time, and then I quit. I dont know if anybodys ever done that, but thats, like, amazing. I totally smoked for a while, and I totally stopped, and my friends were all, like, they couldnt believe it. They were like, What? You quit? Youre done? Really? That sucks. What are you doing? That sucks. Im like, Yeah, it really sucks remembering where I put stuff now.An Act of Charity
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about...""I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.
She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn't suit you.
Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?
Customer: I have problems prin
Customer: I have problems printing in red...Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah... thank you.
Sailors only care about themse
Sailors only care about themselves. It's always “Aye, Aye, Aye.”A misplaced comma can cause a
A misplaced comma can cause a lot of confusion. Did you know that Nicholas Cage auditioned for Dirty, Hairy?A man goes on a 2-month busine...
A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
Does that hurt?
We live in a small town where we have a volunteer Ambulance Company. We are blessed with many dedicated and fully qualified attendants, who staff our ambulances and give freely of themselves. I was chatting with one of the EMS responders one day and she could hardly stifle a chuckle, so I asked her what was so funny and she told me this story…
It seems that she had gone to an automobile accident and was checking a patient who was lying on the road for injuries. As she knelt beside him and probed him, she asked, “Does this hurt or does that hurt?” After each probe, he replied, “No.” When she had nearly completed her examination, she shifted to a better spot from which to finish the examination when after one of her probing questions, he exclaimed very loudly, “That hurts!”
When she asked where, he looked up at her with a look of real pain on his face and said, “You're kneeling on my fingers!”
A woman steps into an elevator...
A woman steps into an elevator. There is already a fellow standing there, patiently. As the doors close, the woman turns to the man and says "T-G-I-F".The man replies "S-H-I-T".
The woman is perplexed as she repeats "T-G-I-F".
The man states again "S-H-I-T".
"I am sorry," she says "but I think there is a misunderstanding. I meant T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday."
The man smiles sympathetically and says. "S-H-I-T. Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."
Q: Why was Ti...
Q: Why was Tigger leaning over the toilet bowl?A: He was looking for Pooh!
Quotes From Stupid 03
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy."
Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this." - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV
"Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes." - Ian St John, ITV
"Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio
Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment."
"Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4
"Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV
"Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."
The New French Cook
The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.
