Popular jokes (24121 to 24135)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Trust A Fellow Officer
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
Window's vs. The Titanic...
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
Old Mrs. Pierpoint...
Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?"
A few minutes later, Tony returned.
"Well, is she all right?" asked the mother.
"She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony.
"At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."
Dad: Junior, how did you get y...
Dad: Junior, how did you get your clothes ripped? Son: I was trying to stop a boy from getting beat up. Dad: Oh? What boy? Son: Me!At a BBQ a couple was chatting...
At a BBQ a couple was chatting with some guests when the marriage counseling topic came up. The wife very pompous commented; “Oh we’ll never need that. My husband and I have an excellent relationship.” “My husband was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I am listening.”The young boy protested vigoro...
The young boy protested vigorously when his mother asked him to take his little sister along fishing. “The last time she came,” he objected, “I didn’t catch a single fish.” “I’ll talk to her,” his mother said, “and I promise this time she won’t make any noise.”“It wasn’t the noise, Mom,” the boy replied. “She ate all my bait.”
White Ball Poem
In my hand I hold a ball….white and dimpled, rather small….
Oh , how bland it does appear….this harmless looking little sphere….
By its size I could not guess….the awesome strength it does possess….
But since I fell beneath it's spell….I've wandered through the fires of hell..
My life has not been quite the same….Since I chose to play this stupid game….
It rules my mind for hours on end…A fortune it has made me spend….
It has made me swear and yell and cry….I hate myself and want to die….
It promises a thing called par….If I can hit straight and far ….
To master such a tiny ball….should not be very hard at all …
But my desires the ball refuses….and does exactly like it chooses….
It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies….and even disappears before my eyes….
Often it will take a whim….to hit a tree or take a swim….
With miles of grass on which to land….it finds a tiny patch of sand….
Then has me offering up my soul….if only it would find the hole….
It's made me whimper like a pup….and swear that I will give it up….
And take a drink to ease my sorrow….but the ball knows….. I'll be back tomorrow!!!!
They met at the singles club m
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over timethat they enjoyed each other's company.After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out fordinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. Theyhad a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurantin town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared,each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have beengentler."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have takenoff my pantyhose.
Wrong End Of The Bar
This really tough Hells-Angel type bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar.He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls "All you down there... You're all a bunch of queer cock suckers!"
He then gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar... "You're all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers."
All is still for a moment until a guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says "Where the fuck you going?"
The guy says "I'm at the wrong end of the bar."
Country Politics
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
In the Monastery
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. 'Cold floors,' he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, 'Bad food.' They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words. 'I quit,' he says.
'That’s not surprising,' the elders say. 'You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.'
Cocktails
“The barman named his cocktails Elijah, Ezekiel and Obadiah and spent most nights drinking the prophets.”
The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers
Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?
A: He plays with Pooh
