Popular jokes (24151 to 24165)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Face
Why are women like snow flakes?They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can all be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face...
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
The other woman
"Ah, yes," acknowledged Maira with a sob, "but I couldn't help it."
The lawyer asked, "Why couldn't you help it?"
Maira said, "Mr. Jones deceived me."
The lawyer asked, "Be specific. What do you mean?"
"Well, when we signed in," she cried, "he told the hotel clerk I was his wife."
Two buddies were sharing drink
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one."Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
a tip for the ladies in ...
a tip for the ladies in the audience: "Bite Me!" is not near the insult your mind believes its going to be.My Evil Brother Was A Saint…
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."
The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
Smoking in the Rain
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."
A man gets home, runs into his...
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"
A Very Bad Day
T...
A Very Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
A mother was having a tea part
A mother was having a tea party on the lawn with her children. A neighbor said, "How can you find time for a tea party when you have three small kids?"She smile and said, "They'll always remember our tea parties, but they'll never remember if their clothes were ironed or clean!"
Here's the final word on nutr
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.1. The Japanese eat very little fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fatsand suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
What do you say if som...
What do you say if someone tries to steal your gate?Signs And Notices 18
These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.
Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Three old ladies sit in a dine...
Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
