Popular jokes (24526 to 24540)

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When I

When I was on vacation in Europe I hooked up with a chess player. I came a pawn her in Prague; I made my move, and man it was Czech mate. What a knight! She looked like a queen-cut lass, but turned out quite kingky. The next day I felt great, like I could have done a hundred bishops. That's something I'll never get board of: the thrill of the chess!

Pass from earlier Generation

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.Her daughter asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"
Her grandmother replied, "Well, dear, that's the only way it would fit into my baking pan."

An old man walks into a bar, s...

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

A Raise

"Sir," said the timid employee to his boss, "my wife says I'm to ask you for a raise."

"Fine," the boss replied. "I'll ask my wife if I can give you one."

I've never understood why wom

I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen,they don't come in when you call, they liketo stay out all night, come home and expectto be fed and stroked, then want to be leftalone and sleep.
In other words, every qualitythat women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Lemon Juice

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."

“What do you call an

“What do you call an unsuccessful spinal surgery? A debackle.”

Which bacterial illness is oft

Which bacterial illness is often caught by celebrities?

White hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Black Powder

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."
"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.
The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."
"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"

"Give me a peach and I'll show you."

Hilarious Lawyer jokes

Lance, the lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?

Vinnie, the witness: Not yet.
----

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Lance, the lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Vinnie, the witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

----
Lance, the lawyer: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
Vinnie, the witness: He didn't offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.

“How does the earth g...

“How does the earth get clean? It takes a meteor shower!”

Have you heard the joke about ...

Have you heard the joke about the dustbin?

Irish Religion Humor

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."