Popular jokes (24541 to 24555)

Embarking on a rail journey is

Embarking on a rail journey is guaranteed enter trainment.

" Doctor I keep stealing thing

" Doctor I keep stealing things"
" Take these tablets; if that doesn't work get me a flat screen TV."

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a ...

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a £10 note.

I thought this was a country o...

I thought this was a country of free speech. So why are there phone bills?

A Jewish Mother After Hanukkah

A man received two sweaters for Hanukkah from his mother. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters.
As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

A man who smelled like a disti

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seatnext to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face wasplastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin wassticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaperand began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turnedto the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wickedwomen, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man andapologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

There was 3 Irishmen in Dublin

There was 3 Irishmen in Dublin. One day while sight seeing they ran upon a whorehouse. Excited, they entered the whorehouse like kids entering a toy store. The first man had £5.00, the second man had £10.00, and the third man had £15.00.
The first man approached the lady behind the desk and said, "I got £5.00! What do I get for £5.00?"
The lady spoke over the intercom and said, "Ginger-- take this gentleman upstairs and give him £5.00 worth!"
The first man came back downstairs grinning from ear to ear.
The other two men said, "Man, what did you get for £5.00?"
The first man explained that she took it out of his pants she put whipped cream all over it, then licked it all off.
This exited the 2nd man and he quickly approached the lady at the desk. He said, "Okay, I have £10.00! What do I get for £10.00?"
The lady spoke over the intercom and said, "Tasha, take this gentleman upstairs and give him £10.00 worth!"
The 2nd man came downstairs, grinning from ear to ear, as if he was on Cloud Nine.
The other two men met him and asked, "Man, what did you get for £10.00?"
The 2nd man explained she took it out of his pants, put whipped cream on it, nuts and chocolate topping and she licked it all off.
This excited the 3rd man, so he nervously approached the lady at the desk and said, "I have £15.00. What can I get for £15.00?"
The lady turned on the intercom again and said, "Melissa, take this gentleman upstairs and give him £15.00 worth!"
The 3rd man came downstairs with a huge frown on his face, and on the brink of tears.
Curious, the other 2 men asked, "Man, why are you so sad. What could've went wrong? You had £15.00?"
The 3rd man said, "Boys, she took it out of my pants, put whipped cream all over it. Then she put strawberries, pinapple topping, chocolate syrup, nuts and a big cherry on top! It looked so good... I ate it myself."

Odd Rabbi Out

These four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

“I hate cliff-hangers...

“I hate cliff-hangers! Do you know what I am going to do about it?”

“A shotgun is an exha...

“A shotgun is an exhausted rifle.”

Drugs for Women

With ...

Drugs for Women

With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous British pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance:

MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.

STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.

COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence, allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion and argue effectively without being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me any more'.

PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.

MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug has yet been found.

WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.

BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.

Wrong End Of The Bar

This really tough Hells-Angel type bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar.

He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls "All you down there... You're all a bunch of queer cock suckers!"

He then gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar... "You're all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers."

All is still for a moment until a guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says "Where the fuck you going?"

The guy says "I'm at the wrong end of the bar."

The teacher was describing the

The teacher was describing the dolphin and its habits.
"And, children, "she said impressively, "a single dolphin will have two thousand offspring."
"Goodness!" gasped a little girl in the back row. "And how about married ones?"

SIGNS OBSERVED:

* M...

SIGNS OBSERVED:

* Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

* I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too!

* Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!

* You may touch the dust in this house, but please don't write in it!

* If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

* I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!

* I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

* If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards.

* A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

* Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

* Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

* My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it!

Best Memory

Three guys are debating who has the best memory. The first guy says: "I can remember the first day at elementary school."

The second guy says: "I can remember my first day at nursery school!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says: "That's nothing! I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."