Popular jokes (24616 to 24630)

In one small rural town the sh...

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Well, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

What do you call a supermodel ...

What do you call a supermodel with two brain cells? Pregnant.

Interview....

Martin was being interviewed for a new job. The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something about his personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

Without hestitation, Martin responded, "The living one, of course!"

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?"

Missouri Crazy Law

It is not illegal to speed. (Repealed)

Buckner

In this small town of only 4,000, yard waste may be burned any day except Sunday.

Excelsior Springs

Worrying squirrels is not tolerated.

Hard objects may not be thrown by hand.

Kansas City

Installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws is prohibited.

Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely.

Marceline

Minors can buy rolling paper and tobacco but not lighters.

Marquette

It is illegal for more than four unrelated persons to occupy the same dwelling (The Brothel Law).

Mole

Frightening a baby is in violation of the law.

Natchez

It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.

Purdy

Dancing is strictly prohibited.

St. Louis

It's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. This law refers back to the extinct Italian celebration, Hill Day, when beer was served in buckets.

A milk man may not run while on duty.

University City

Four women may not rent an apartment together.

#joke #animal #elephant #drinks #milk #beer

Angelic Assistance?

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.
Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”
With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side.
From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

And a day was born...

God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

God: "Call it a day."

Facts of life...

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

1. Another flight attendant's ...

1. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

2. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

3. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

Gift For Snow White

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,
"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".

While sports fishing off the F

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

Telling Time

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Guess Who?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Holy Trick

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Like riding a bike!

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman