Popular jokes (24631 to 24645)

NED: I

NED: I saw Benedict kneeling over.
ED: Is he OK?
NED: Yeah he's just praying. Don't worry, everything's pope-ascetic.

Yo Mama... Christmas Corner

Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.

blonde and the computer

Q) How do you know when a blonde has been using a computer?

A) Theres cheese by the mouse and tip-ex on the screen!

Turbulent Times

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

There were three women who alw...

There were three women who always hang their laundry out in the backyard.

When it rains, of course, the laundry always gets wet - all the laundry,

...except for the redhead's.

The other two women wonder why the redhead never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to the redhead, "How come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says the redhead, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at my husband. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if it is pointed up?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says the redhead, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"

Dreamed I knighted an electric

Dreamed I knighted an electric fish last night… It was so Sir Eel.

Food Network Show

Didya hear the one about the new show planned for TV's Food Network sponsored by the Arthur Andersen accounting firm?
It's called "Cook the Books"!

A little boy came home with hi...

A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about. He told his mother "Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can't stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him.
The mother couldn't understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s' talking about! We learned the hymn 'Gladly The Cross I'd Bear'".

with the immense popularity of...

with the immense popularity of Viagra it's not surprising that the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for specific groups of customers:

Viagra Lite
For people who only want to masturbate

Viagrallium
A mix of Viagra and Vallium: if you don't get to fuck, then you don't give a fuck.

Question And Answer Jokes

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Raising chickens isn't e...

Raising chickens isn't easy. You have to think outside the boks.

In ancient times, lazy slaves

In ancient times, lazy slaves didn't build Pyramids. They stood around and smoked ziggurats.

Answering Machine Message 131

I can't answer the phone now because I'm over at Slobinskis's house. Me and five other guys are helping him replace a lightbulb.

Lightbulb Joke Collection 12

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the lightbulb.
Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.

“What do you call the

“What do you call the medical condition where your feet go to sleep? Coma-toes.”