Popular jokes (24751 to 24765)

I'm surprised I'm...

“I'm surprised I'm not musically inclined because as a child my attitude was so bad that I often got my bell rung and was told to sing a new tune.”

Broomtown

All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple.

The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom.

"But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!"

A CEO enters the office to fin...

A CEO enters the office to find his top manager kissing his secretary. He shouts, "Is this what I pay you for?" The manager replies, "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

Three nuns...

Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" She says, "Oh that's easy, that was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven.

So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman on earth?" She says "Oh that's easy that was Eve." Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven.

So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven!

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"I Don't Mind Straight People, So Long As They Act Gay In Public."

A husband was accused by his w...

A husband was accused by his wife of farting. His plea: I no scent.

During the initial space fligh

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.

A Sunday school teacher was di...

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Rules for being human

1) You will receive a body.

You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2) You will learn lessons.

You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3) There are no mistakes, only lessons.

Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately “works”.

4) A lesson is repeated until learned.

A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.

5) Learning lessons does not end.

There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6) “There” is no better than “here”.

When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will, again, look better than “here.”

7) Others are merely mirrors of you.

You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8) What you make of your life is up to you.

You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9) Your answers lie inside you.

The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10) You will forget all this.

Hilarious Lawyer jokes

Lance, the lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?

Vinnie, the witness: Not yet.
----

----
Lance, the lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Vinnie, the witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

----
Lance, the lawyer: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
Vinnie, the witness: He didn't offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.

What Are They For?

My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one.”

Have you heard the joke about ...

Have you heard the joke about the dustbin?

Speaking With The General

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Reincarnation Surprise

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

Making A Small Fortune

Question: What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Answer: Start off with a big one.